>.< I don't know why I have to care so much. I actually trust you but really, you're just letting yourself be completely screwed over and again and again if you're keeping her as the most important person in your life and if you ignore all your other friends when she's talking to you.  sidfgskhdfuisf I would love to punch her in the face so much right now.

You make me sad. Why can't you just do what you said you would? or maybe you just want me to know that you don't care about catching up any more... :(

Also, she's being horrible to him even though he did nothing, and it's making me feel even sadder. Argh, why are people so stupid and horrible???!?! /Gets angry face on. Merrr :( Oh and now I'm worried that he's getting his hopes up way too high, about her still wanting to be friends aoyrfhsdyugsdfjkh

I miss you... I just miss you... I can't even explain it... I don't know... I guess you were one of them that I felt the most comfortable around... I was never nervous about texting you or wanting to talk to you... I never worried that you might find me annoying or my worries stupid or that you might judge me or anything like that...

:D Glad I said ended up saying hi to you just then and that we had that 2 minute conversation. Gotta say that I'm extremely glad that you only didn't reply to my text because you have no credit, but even so, I still dislike how short a leash your girlfriend seems to have you on. -____-

It's not better yet, no, not by a long shot. Argh, yet again, I made the stupid mistake of looking at photos someone had uploaded on to Facebook, and yet again saw photos of him. But he looked really happy, so I'm happy for him. There's no way I'm going to take my friend's advice and email him, because I don't want to risk ruining that and if he's no longer thinking about the past, it's good that way. As long as he's happy, I'm okay with being sad at times.

-Some form of creative title-

Just a note; when I say you it doesn't always refer to the same person, but changes.

I hate that I didn't even get to say hi to you at formal, because your girlfriend was with you practically every single second. You didn't even come up and hug me like you did at valedictory... I mean she'd probably eat your soul if you did. >.< You didn't even talk to some of your closest friends who were girls. Argh, I dislike your girlfriend greatly, just because I didn't even get a hug or a hi or anything. You ignored me all for her sake. Now you're not even replying to my text, and if you haven't run out of credit it's probably because she'd get mad at you for talking to other girls. :@ I don't think you have any idea how much I miss you...

The guy I really miss, when I saw him at formal and almost started crying, you started trying to reassure me and as much as I love you, I don't think I can understand what was going through your mind when you said at one point "He's ugly, it's okay." That definitely did not make me feel any better. There's no way I could have misheard you either right? What even?! iaurkfhsdkf sdfous >.<

Every time you don't reply to one of my messages or texts for hours, I worry that it's because you've gotten sick of me, that I said something stupid or that you really have begun to find me annoying, and that when you said you could never find me annoying because I'm too awesome, you didn't really mean it. I'm also really worried and I kinda have a bad feeling about this... Having late night texting conversations and making plans together and with others... It's too similar, way too similar to when him and I liked each other and were best friends. I don't like this. I just want everything to go away.

It feels like my brain's going to melt when I start processing all of this, and last night when I was talking to her about everything, I think I realised that he may have been a rebound crush... That all that happened because he liked me and he was there for me; he was someone to fill the empty space, because once he was gone too, I missed him even more than I ever did before... Realising all that kinda freaked me out.

I'm still scared. I'm terrified of putting my trust in you, because it's too similar. I just have this bad feeling that things aren't going to end well. It's way too easy to talk to you though, and I don't like it. sdthudfgdflgjdfogl my brain feels like mush.

I'm going to go try and figure out my feelings, even though I know I'll fail miserably. It just feels like there are a million different emotions swirling around inside of me and it's making me feel sick.

You brighten up my nights.

Thank you, again. Even the simplest things you say to me, they improve my nights, and make things seem that little bit brighter. I never ever want to lose you. <3

I love how you say you care only once I've said something, but otherwise you don't even try to keep in touch with me. >.< What even is the point of a pretty much one sided friendship?

Today's been decent so far... Yes, there were a couple of fights like usual, but I didn't make a big deal out of something stupid or get fired up easily at all... But now I just feel like a rag doll being tossed about in an ocean while there is a storm raging. I feel little, lost and alone once more. I feel like I'm just going to fall apart again, any second. I want to be surrounded by my friends again. It made me feel happier.

I still don't feel like I'll ever be close to a guy again... I don't understand you either. You seem to get mad or upset with me just because I say that I might not talk to you till the next time I actually see you, like at valedictory tomorrow evening. Is it such a big deal that I might not want to bother going on facebook for a few days? It's not like you don't have other friends that you can talk to when you're not talking to me. You don't NEED to talk to me constantly or anything. What they said has kinda been playing on my mind... I don't know if you made some stuff up and if you did, making me think that I made you hurt yourself, that's... that's just too much. Gah, I don't understand people. :S

You're amazing.

Thank you for deciding to cheer me up every night and making sure that I don't end up being upset every time. That means so much. I'm still surprised that you're actually going to do this every night. You even set an alarm on your phone so that you don't forget, and it's already helped a lot, even just the last two nights. It's lovely receiving an encouraging message regularly and knowing that there is someone thinking of me each night and showing how much they care. I love you so much.

I can't even express just how much I miss having a guy best friend... and I still miss you...

I hate being back home. Everything's already crap again. I feel like punching a wall. I'd definitely prefer to be back in Mount Barker being eaten alive by mosquitoes and with some people having stupid fights. I hate this so much. I wish I could just escape from everything, just like that...

:) :(

Camping was amazing, interesting, confusing, a bit tense at times, crazy, amusing, a little bit scary and overall a wonderful experience. :) I might go in to it in more detail when I'm less tired, but I just want to say that I love everyone who went and that I am so glad I was able to get to know some people better. :D <3

I was glad when I got home, but I'm not any more, as predicted. I knew I would miss being surrounded by my friends and always having someone to talk to, but even so... /sigh. We've already argued since I came home. :(

Bleh.

Gotta love being excited all day for camping... and then just completely crashing at night. Everything seems horrible/worse again, and now I don't think I'm any better. It seems like this will never go away. Every freaking night, it all comes back to me; mostly the same memories, sometimes with other things that are happening again and again. I don't feel prepared for anything... I feel empty and lost again.

Bleh, I miss him already. It was kinda weird without him today. We're not even heaps good friends, but it was odd not talking to you... :/

All the happiness, excitedness, feeling like I matter, everything good... It felt like it all drained out of me in an instant. I don't want to go any more... I'm scared it'll all be worse at nights with everyone around...  It was bad enough at my friend's sleepover the other day... The movie we watched made me cry because it reminded me of my ex and then two of my friends were talking for ages, and half of it reminded me of him, and him and the other one too... :S :/ and I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't let them notice, although it was kinda upsetting that they weren't able to tell although at the same time I was so relieved... It hurt so much though... At the same time though, I really just want to get away from home. All I do is make a mess of everything.  ARGH @:< /Hating self time. Meerrrr, I'm such a loser. >.<

Oh and also, I've realised it's getting even harder to trust any guys... I don't know why. Yet he was really easy to talk to when we were on that camp at the murray. :S I think I could trust him, but not you. The uncertainty is too much...I can't just tell you why I'm upset just cause you said you don't mind listening or hearing about it... It's just... I tried, I really did, but I couldn't, it was like the words in my head all disappeared in a second... 

I've improved, and I'm proud. :D I'm getting better at controlling my temper and doing my best not to be hypocritical and to be as good a friend as possible. /Is happier.

Back in the visible Blogosphere

I decided to make my blog public again and blocked out a couple of things I wrote, but just a note, I didn't write anything so that people would reassure me or anything like that. I just needed a place to vent, so yeah, some of the things I did write were due to just not feeling so good and things bringing me down, so don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. :)

Okay, so that was kinda... weird... Just thinking about liking guys again kind of gave me chills. It just scared me. I don't like anyone or even kind of like anyone but I was just thinking about stuff in general and then I thought about guys and it just terrified me. The last guy I liked was Jayson and that was over like maybe 8 months ago or something... D: He did end up finding out though and we sorted stuff out and it was all okay. Just thinking about these things scares me these days though. I don't even understand myself, at all. Nothing's ever worked out before, and it's not like if I liked someone there would be a very high chance of them liking me back anyway. I don't know... I just don't know anything about anything.

For the past half an hour I've felt like bawling my eyes out again as well... I'm so confused. I still don't even know why, besides well all the usual reasons, but that can't be why, because they're nothing new... :S

                                                                                       

:/

Glad no one can read this at the moment... Especially the last few days, I've been hating how I look more than usual. I've put on too much weight, and I'm not even mildly pretty... or good enough. I know people keep telling me the opposite is true, but I really just don't see it. Having put on weight is definitely the thing that's getting to me the most though. I just... I hate it. I feel gross and horrible, and all. I just feel like working out and exercising till I can't do it any more, which would obviously be really stupid, cause overexercising is not good, but it would work right? :/

I can be such a bitch...
You know what makes me dislike myself even more? When I explain to some people why I'm so horrible and undeserving of the family and friends I have, they just say that I'm not. They say that I'm like the nicest person they know and that I probably only get mad easily because of the stress of Year 12... but I know it's not just cause of that. They've never seen me when I've gotten mad and screamed myself hoarse. I need to learn how to control my temper. I always lash out at my family for stupid reasons. Sometimes I don't even know where all the anger comes from, but it's like I can't think of anything else once I feel that way. I just, I don't even know how to explain the feeling. I have to learn how to control my temper and stop acting like/being a stupid dumb bitch.

Determination.

I'm sorry for randomly venting to you. I honestly didn't mean to. This is why I don't talk to people, why I don't want people to know how I feel...

I am such a hypocrite, damn it. I want people to vent to me so they feel better, but I don't want to vent to others...

I think negatively and tell others not to focus on the negative things, but to focus on the positive things in their life...

I worry about who cares about me and who doesn't... Yet I don't tell you that I care enough.

I tell you that you shouldn't stress and that you'll do fine, when I'm doing the same thing as you.

But that's it. No really. I promise I mean it this time. I will make at least one of my wishes come true. I will become a better person, and work towards not being a hypocrite. I will become stronger and be there for all my friends as much as possible. I will work to be myself in front of every one and not worry that they will judge me. I swear I will strive to make this wish come true. I promise you, all of you and myself. I really mean it this time. Not that I didn't mean it before... but I really mean to change all this this time.

This is insane. I woke up this morning and was like everything seems so much better in the morning... but you're all depressed again. I've noticed that as much as I encourage and tell you not to focus on all the negative things, your mood just drags me down, a lot further than I ever expected. I can't not be affected by your feelings because I care about you so much and I have to say that I definitely prefer you venting than keeping everything bottled up inside, although I prefer not to talk to any one, because I personally don't want to drag any one else down, but I prefer you dragging me down if it helps you. In all seriousness though, when I talk to you these days, when I listen to how negative you are, it's like waves of sadness just continually sweep through me. I can't just not be there for you... I have to help you somehow. I understand though, I really do. I understand the feeling of wanting that one person who will always love you no matter what, who will always be there for you and not judge you, who will always be there to listen to you, to try and make you feel better, someone who will be by your side for life.

I don't even know anything at all any more. Yet again, I feel like bursting in to tears. There are only a few people that I am certain care about me... But even with those, there are times when I just don't know if they care. Although one of them, I know that she will always be there for me, and I don't think I have ever questioned that she does care about me. <3

Argh, I can't even be a proper friend and give good advice to any one. Why can't I be better?

And gosh, I'm so terrible. I always take my anger out on my family, but when it's my friends I work so hard to just make things work with them, whether I think they are in the wrong or I am. Why can't I be better? I'm so horrible. I've known that for a long, long time, and today it struck home even more. My family are the ones who are always there for me and yet I give them a hard time, but not my friends, even when they upset me... And I just did it again.

                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                         

I don't want every one to just think I'm some stupid, whiny bitch who complains constantly... Although I probably am in reality... :S I guess that's one reason why I don't want my blog to be accessible by every one...

Attempts at Creativity

Oh by the way, if any one is interested in reading my stories/parts of stories on my other blog and willing to give me some feedback, that would be cool, thanks. :)

The day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you...

I was just listening to this song, and it kinda struck me how right the timing seemed to be. It doesn't hurt at all, any more. It's not that I thought I'd never get through in my case though. More that I thought it would be a lot longer before thinking of you didn't make me upset any more. I'm really glad that the memories are mainly just good ones now. =]

You know, I've been thinking about everything a lot recently, and now that I think about it, I honestly don't think I'm going to miss school as much as I thought I would... I guess it's just that like many people have said, it's time we moved on. After all, there are many bad memories to leave behind as well, although I think I could say that they are probably cancelled out by so many good ones. I think that made more sense in my head. :S Yeah, so basically there are just so many things I have to look forward to right now, and it feels so good to know that I'll be completely free of Year 12 soon. :)

But wishes generally don't come true...

I wish ...

• people weren't so bitchy. 
• I was beautiful.
• we had chances to actually hang out more than once a week.
• you cared about me more.
• that things work out for you.
• I could get a job.
• I knew exactly who really cares and who doesn't. Some I can easily pick, others I can't...
• you lived closer.
• that for once you would stop being so over dramatic and selfish.
• that I could stay friends with you forever
• I was smart enough.
• I was better at photography and design. If I'm not good enough, I won't get anywhere in the design industry.
• that school wasn't over just yet, kinda...
• camping was sooner.
• that you'd stop bringing up stuff that's happened between me and my friends. It's none of your business. Sorry, but it really isn't. At all. Also, don't bring up stuff and then ignore me completely after I get mad. I've told you countless times not to bring up certain topics.
• we had the chance to be friends again. I think if we had just a little more time, we might have been again. 
• I was some one that people could look up to.
• that I was a better person.
• I knew how to organise doing missionary work and I wish I could do it sooner.
• I was a better friend.
• things were slightly different.
• I was motivated.

I don't understand... All I mentioned was that I had to return something to her, and you start going on about what I could have said/done that's so bad that she doesn't want to be friends with me any more, and you expect me to stay calm when you always say stuff like that? Just shut up, you don't know anything. I still miss her... Just not as much any more, because I know she no longer cares.

On a completely different note, yesterday ended up being a reaaaallly good day. :D Although I didn't say goodbye properly to a few people I wanted to, I got to hang out with people I don't normally spend much time with, was insanely happy for a while, relearnt how to play Halo XD and just generally had a great time. :)

Yay for bursting into tears, and not entirely knowing why. :S

I don't know what's wrong with me... Pretty sure I'm not upset because Year 12 is over, because it doesn't feel over just yet.

She got mad at me because I said the same thing twice... and I get annoyed when she repeats herself constantly. It was only twice... Honestly though, I'm more of a hypocrite than a lot of people. Then they both got annoyed at me because I was talking too loudly. It's not like I deliberately talk loudly to irritate every one... It's just how I talk... Oh and I don't help out enough either, but when I do, it's not good enough. Argh, I always, always screw up one way or another. I swear I can be a horrible friend too, just people don't always notice even when I'm not necessarily being a good friend, and then I feel guilty because they tell me how amazing a friend I am.

Too tired to continue this blog now... eh... homework time. Last assignments for Year 12 ever... and that doesn't make me feel any better, oh joy.

Enjoyance.

I don't care if enjoyance is not a word. I am going to use it anyway.

In the past week, I've gotten to know several people better and I have also realised that seeing my ex doesn't upset me any more. Yes, I do still miss you at times, and wish we were still friends, but it doesn't hurt any more. I didn't even feel anything when I briefly said something to you today. You've definitely made an impact in my life, but I can actually look back at the past now and not, well, regret that much, or feel really down. I can actually treasure the memories still and still be okay. I have to say that it feels amazing, especially after over a year of thinking I would never be able to move on almost entirely.

Today was such a good day, although it definitely didn't feel like it was the last day of Year 12. I don't think that it will really sink in that it's all over until after exams... or maybe even later. There are so many things to look forward to as well. 

1. I'll be able to have a social life again, kind of... I want to make sure I study enough so that I do my best in my exams. /Is determined. Positive thinking and such! 
2. I have the Year 12 breakfast tomorrow, along with the slide show, then going down to the beach. :D 
3. Later, I have my friend's black and white birthday party
4. Camping at Mount Barker after exams are all over
5. Valedictory I think?
6. Formal eventually. :) :) :) 
7. Oh and next year, uni. :D

I'm so happy at the moment. :D Even though I still have several assignments which are due tomorrow D:

I feel lost.

Positive outlook? :)

If you really care or miss me like you say you do, you would make the effort to spend time with me... Ah well, it's not like I expected much more, so I've decided that I will just stay positive and not worry about silly things that I can't change, which also means that when I do spend time with you or say hello, I'll just go with it and make the most of it. There's no need for me to get so worked up over you just not caring, because every time before it just made it hurt so much more each time when you let go of me. That's all in the past now though, and hopefully that's where it will stay. Anyway, my attitude of optimism in this case seems to be working well so far. :)

On another note, high school is almost over forever!!! There's only three days left of school, and even though I still have exams later on, I can't wait till Wednesday. No more having to stress about assignments, and reaaaally late nights, for a while anyway. And there are three things I'm really looking forward to at the moment. :D Going to the beach after our Year 12 breakfast on Wednesday, camping at Mount Barker with a group of awesome friends and formal closer to the end of the year, although at the moment that's just because I get to dress up in an effort to look pretty, and well, we're coming home in a party bus. :D :D I don't think I'm really all that excited for the formal itself at the moment... :S

Clueless

There are still two people that I miss more than anything... And I don't know how to change that... I don't know how to completely forget them, or become friends with them again, or even acquaintances. With one of them, the main problem is that I don't think I've forgiven myself completely, yet they have forgiven me... although so many people have told me that I did nothing wrong. I wish I had done everything differently though. /Sigh.

Argh, my friend just told me that I've changed his life, that I showed him what real friends mean and that he didn't have any one before he met me. I mean, I guess that's a good thing, that I've been a good friend to him and all but it just makes me feel guilty because I know I didn't end up being a good friend to her. I didn't even try to talk anything out... just got annoyed at her because of what she was doing and didn't speak to her about it. I just ended up telling her straight out what I and others could see/thought. erat98ogiufgiodjsfs Yay for another upset night... merrr.

My favourite pillow ;P

I just thought that I would write a blog about one of my best fwends, because she is so amazing. :D :D :D :D :D Why she's called my favourite pillow, uhh, long story... Don't ask.

I think our dnm has been going for at least an hour now, lol. I've become even closer to her over the past few weeks and I don't know what I would do without her. She understands everything about me and we can talk about pretty much anything. I love knowing with a certainty that she will always be there for me, and she always has been. There are only maybe 6ish people I can completely be myself around, my family not included. My uhh 'favourite pillow' is one of them. XD 

I promise that I will always be here for you, uhm, favourite pillow. :) Also, I will bash any one if they ever hurt you. I love you so much. <3

P.S. We win at life together. End of story.

Silleh story

Okay, so Ben suggested that I post the silly story that Kel and I wrote on here. It started off as my English story and thanks to Ben turned into a very stupid story. Also, Jayson contributed slightly towards the end, but not much. The last insulting paragraph was pretty much all him. :P I swear this isn't how we normally write our stories. :) Please don't judge us...

Boy, Girl and Tumbleweed

I was hot. So hot that the leaves were curling on the trees and the birds were lifeless. She walked on, exhausted, through grey, brittle scrub… Her throat was dry, and sweat was running down her face. Just… a few more steps… She thought she could see what resembled a well not that far ahead of her. She reached it, only to collapse in front of it, her strength almost completely exhausted. She needed to keep going, to keep running as fast as she could. He would still be chasing her, drawing steadily closer with each deep breath she took.

Suddenly, the light disappeared from view, as a huge shadow loomed over her. She gasped in horror, terrified that all her worst fears would be realised, only to hear a rough male voice confirm otherwise. This could not be her pursuer. She slowly looked up, to see a lanky, dark haired boy standing over her. He repeated himself again, asking if she was alright, his voice filled with concern. She opened her mouth to speak, ready to answer yes like she always did, no matter how she truly felt. What had happened? No sound would come out of her mouth. Her throat was too parched; the boy quickly fumbled around in the bag he was carrying and pulled out a water bottle which he handed to her. She greedily gulped down mouthfuls of water, not caring as it dripped down her sun scorched face. The cool water soothed her throat and her face, and she briefly lowered the water bottle to slap him in the face. “You’re the boy who helped him!  Jebediah!  You helped him steal my virginity! I do know you after all!’ asfgsdyugfsuiflh /runs away. The boy looked shocked, but then all of a sudden, a fleeting look of realisation crossed his face, only to be quickly replaced by a slightly quizzical look. “Oh wait, the one I raped on Thursday! But… you’ve changed… You’re not… hot… anymore… No wonder I didn’t recognise you.” LOL!

From her position several metres away, the girl screamed angrily, and grabbed a dead bird from the ground to hurl at the boy, like a dangerous missile.  He pulled out a flamethrower and toasted the bird. They then took a five minute lapse from the epic battle to pull out a picnic rug and have a feast with the bird. Once they were done, they quickly cleaned up and took up their positions again. A tumbleweed rolled by, and western music began to play. “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us” drawled the boy. “Uhm, why do I have a Southern accent now? And this isn’t even a town… Huh…” The tumbleweed, bored of all this trash talk, decided to take things into its own…hands? It turned into a super-powerful-techno-ninja-pirate-transforming transformer with hydro electric turbines and solar powered missile launchers. “Why it’s automatic, it’s systematic, it’s hyyy-dromatic…why it’s greased lightnin!!” sung the girl. “Sorry guys, I couldn’t help it. I just had to! It worked so perfectly.” She grinned widely, then pulled out her shrink ray. “Oh, it’s on biatch!” The boy’s eyes widened and pulling out his own wimpy gun, he half whispered, “Oh dayuuumm, I am sooooooo screwed.”

The tumbleweed was feeling a little bit left out after that, so he screamed out “NINJA STYLE!” and prepared to dance the tango while holding an umbrella and a shuriken. He hurled the umbrella like a javelin at the boy. However, the boy had super jumping abilities and jumped out of the way. The tumbleweed then threw the shuriken at the girl, who caught it in her tiny girlish hands, and screamed a horrible scream: “YOU INTERRUPTED MY SINGING AND MY MANICURE!!!!! YOU MUST DIEEEEEEEEEE!” The force of the scream burst the tumbleweed and boy’s eardrums, and they collapsed on the ground, squirming in pain. The sun blew up and they all died, but then they came back to life as zombies. Obviously, it was the special reanimation jutsu of the ninja tumbleweed. Then the evil witch Kelemesey appeared, with her sidekick Debawebbawa, who was a stunning shrunken head. They had been testing their teleporting skills when they randomly appeared in the middle of an epic reanimation ritual thingo. And oh damn it… all knowledge of how to teleport had been wiped from their minds. ‘OH NOES! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??!?!?!?’ thought the shrunken head. Kelsemesy, being the amazing genius mastermind that she was, hatched a plan to help them out, but in reality, the shrunken head had telepathically placed the idea in her head. She conjured a monster truck out of sand, and jumped in, kicking the old lady driver out. I can’t say I’m entirely sure where the old lady appeared from, but anyway, back to the story. The tumbleweed, boy and girl looked on in horror as the kitten-shaped monster truck came closer to them, meowing all the way. They turned on their heels and ran, screaming girly screams all the way, and throwing their clothes off as they ran for no particular reason. The truck turned into a submarine, diving under the hot sand and continued chasing the three delinquents. The three delinquents turned out to be mass murderous squid from planet oogzaba who were actually in disguise. Just randomly there is a zombie outside my window, oh wait that’s just your mum ;)

The tumbleweed ran into a Mcdonald’s and gobbled down all their chicken deluxe burgers, then vomited it all up into a flood of burgers that ran all the way to china and killed all the chinese people but who cares they only little yellow monkeys oh and india cant even make a bridge wtf!! Aside from that pointless fact, Deborah smells :P aside from that true fact, the boy ran into a strip club and started crying.

We never heard from him again.

THE END J

Deviant Art

Just thought I'd let you guys know that I created a deviant art account last night, if anyone's interested in having a look at any of my artwork, photography and such. Constructive criticism and such things would be appreciated. =]
http://el-intentar-volar.deviantart.com/

Realisation.

Okay, so I'm just a little bit scared of hanging out with you again. I was terrified of even saying hi to you... on msn. I'm pathetic, and I lied. I'm not just a little bit scared. I'm really scared. :( I hate that no matter how much I want to, I can't seem to completely trust a guy. I mean, I guess there is one I completely trust. It's probably more that I find it really hard to actually tell them everything even if I trust them. I've been thinking about all this a lot lately... and I noticed that every single guy who has said that they will always be there for me in the past and made promises to me went back on their word. And... well, I guess it's just kinda like there's always something stopping me from becoming as close to a guy like I used to be able to... There are three people in particular that I have been so close to, that I didn't think that anything could ever tear us apart, yet so many things did. I don't know how to explain any of this any more, so I'm just gonna leave it now and explain my title for this blog.

The other day I was looking through all my old photos and I found heaps of photos from when I went to India with my family at the end of Year 9. I think that was the year I started thinking that I was too fat and began throwing up or just not eating. My view of myself was so different then to how it is now... Looking back at the pictures, I was actually terrified of how thin I was, and I remember thinking that I just wasn't thin enough yet. I mean, I still don't think I'm thin enough these days, but I don't think I'm fat any more, and I wouldn't try to change that the way I used to, as much as I want to at times. I don't even know how to begin explaining just how much it terrifies me, which may seem stupid, but it's just... I was so close... so close to becoming so much worse.

Ah I can't even finish this blog... meh. There are just a few people I really wanna spend time with at the moment... although I reaaaally want to go back to camp as well. It was from Friday evening till Sunday afternoon at El Shaddai, where we all went for year 8 camp. It's so nice over there. I'm so glad I decided to go, even though the rest of my family didn't. I even talked to new people, which is generally hard for me, and got to know others better. :)

I still miss you.

So I decided to keep my blog... Though I doubt many people care/read this, which is probably a good thing in some ways.

Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.

Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.

It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.

I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.

It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.



You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.



I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.


I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'

Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.

And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.

Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I was strong enough to control my temper, but once something angers me, I find it so hard to stop yelling, screaming and in general, being a bitch. I don't just wish I was stronger, but I need to be stronger. If I don't become stronger and learn to let go of my anger, I know with a certainty that I am just going to screw everything up so much more.

On a completely different note, I'm considering deleting my blog. I'm just not so sure that it's a good idea for me to write certain things on here and well, I haven't written all my feelings out at times when I felt like it because I'm not too keen on sounding like I constantly complain, and when I get upset, which is most nights, I tend to over think things and probably stretch some out of proportion. :S

Good night, mostly.

So my evening was pretty good. For my 'study break' I went out to dinner at Glenelg with part of my psych group. Then we got ice cream, walked along the jetty, took photos and such fun things. :) Best evening I've had in a while, definitely. The adventures of -insert name here- and looking both ways for trams and cars when crossing a street, ah so much fun. :)

Pretty much everything was going well until I found out that she still didn't want to talk to me... However, I managed to refrain from saying anything mean and made sure I was still polite no matter what. Even a day and a half of her ignoring me has been too much. This is harder than I thought, but, persistence is the key.

It's time to find out.

How hard can it really be to be of assistance to someone when they won't even acknowledge your existence?

Okay, so she hasn't talked to me for more than a whole day now... She's been doing everything she can to avoid me and won't speak to me at all. I'm sorry, but isn't that just a little bit childish? I'm still going to try my best though. I have to admit it didn't work so well when I tried to ask how I could help and she said nothing... That just makes me want to try all the more though. I refuse to stoop to her level.

To sort of half quote Lollipop, 'Here's to persistence.'

Hmm...

I don't even know where to begin with listing what I do wrong and what's wrong with me... but she's told me several times that I'm the most selfish person she's ever met. Gotta love how she's always good at improving my days. >.< Although in a way I can kind of understand where she's coming from, because I can be really forgetful and say that I'll help out by doing something and forget two seconds later, but I swear I don't do it on purpose. She also said that I spend so much time on myself and my friends, yet I won't make time for other things, which I guess is true... Instead of procrastinating and all, I could help her out instead. I honestly am really and truly sorry. One thing that's stupid though is when you tell me that you only make assumptions because I tell you nothing, which although partly the truth is not entirely. I've tried to explain some things to you before, but you basically act as if you never heard any of it and keep making assumptions...

But, Youth Opps training stuff... I have to own the problem! XD

So today I decided that I am going to change and do my best to stop procrastinating; maybe do housework instead as a form of procrastination, hah. :/ stick to the one day of socialising a week I had decided on, plan when I am going to do homework for each subject and so on. Speaking of which, it's about time I actually continued my classics essay.

/Decides to send stars to everyone, instead of black holes =P

I wished I was Anywhere But Here

I thought I was treading water, but I realised that I was wrong. I was steadily sinking, the words and emotions pulling me under. Frantically, I tried to swim back to the surface. I tried to break through; to get a breath of air. My anger began to increase, but at the same time my energy began to drain away and I discovered that I didn't want to fight anymore... I stopped struggling and let myself be dragged further down, towards the dark and gloomy ocean bed. Every so often though, I lashed out at whatever was nearby. However, the only result was my energy draining even faster than before. After some time had passed, time that felt like an eternity, my body landed on the ocean bed with barely a sound. I didn't move; just watched as everything appeared to pass me by.

Fear.

Right now, I'm sitting alone in a cold empty house, and for some reason I'm completely terrified. I've stayed home at night by myself before and mostly been okay... but I just want to be surrounded by people... I want to hear laughter and loud voices... I'm absolutely scared and I don't like this at all... Maybe it's because I read a couple of murder stories and dad isn't home at the moment. I don't know. I should have gone with him. I'm not gonna get homework done anyway, when I'm so freaked out. Damn it, I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's a combination of all the stress due to school work, the lack of sleep, the murder stories, not being able to do much stuff outside of school and how upset I normally I get every night. Although it's normally later at night when I begin to feel sad... I even feel like randomly bursting into tears. Argh, I want my friends.

On a different topic, although I'm still kinda scared :S There are some things I want to say to a few people.

• You absolutely terrify me sometimes and I just want to run away and hide from you.
• Although most of the time we just argue, I honestly love being friends with you. You're a much better person than several people give you credit for.
• This one's directed at two people in particular. I hope you two will always be a part of my life as you are both so amazing.
• You probably won't realise that this one is directed at you, but you don't seem to have much belief in yourself and believe me when I say that you are an amazing person and you shouldn't doubt yourself or your standing with others.

I have to say that writing that calmed me down a little, but I just wish I had at least one friend here with me right now. I'm so freaking stupid. I hate myself at times like this. Shadows and empty houses haven't scared me in a long time. :S I think I misplaced my courage and gained some new fears instead. Oh gosh, I feel like the biggest idiot writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me... 

Caught in a whirlwind of contradicting emotions

Uhm, I just thought I should upload this quick sketch I did the other night. It's really bad, but well it was basically just a combination of my feelings and thoughts at the time and sometimes I find it easier to express my emotions by drawing. The picture doesn't exactly represent what I believe to be true, but mainly what it feels/has felt like to me recently. If you can't tell, uhh, the squigglyish lines on the smaller character's face are supposed to be cracks and he/she feels like they are falling apart, while the character who is monster sized in comparison is holding his/her broken heart and doesn't think that anyone else is good enough and if they ever said that they loved them or anything positive about them, well sorry but those were lies through and through.

I did it again... I did one little thing, which wasn't even going to cause any damage like he seemed to think it would, and he overreacted. He got over it in like 2 seconds, but damn, why do I have to take every little thing so personally?? Every stupid little mistake I make haunts me for ages after. I thought I had built up a wall of resistance to the hurtful things people say and do... I mean, I guess I have. It's just that the bad things or even the jokes somehow penetrate the barrier anyway, it's like it's not even there. They don't affect me so much, but they affect me so much more. I don't even know how to explain this... It kind of makes sense in my head, but now I just sound like a complete and utter idiot. Is it possible to have become immune to something but at the same time it also causes more pain? It's like I don't absorb it so much but it pierces me to the very core still. Argh, I barely know what I'm trying to say... But I suppose if I had to summarise all of this, it would go a little like this. I take a lot of things that are done or said personally and use them to try and prove to the world that I'm not a good person like so many people seem to think. For example, being told that I always screw things up. She had no reason to lie... It feels like I'm running and running but going nowhere yet again, though I've been running even faster and harder... It's taken so much more effort and I can feel it; it's draining my energy. Then I look down, and realise that I haven't even moved a millimetre.

I can't take this any more, and I shouldn't even be complaining. I'm so much better off than so many other people out there. My problems are nowhere near close to being any of the worst in the world. This is meant to be for expressing my feelings though so I guess it's okay...

While I'm on the topic of contradicting feelings, I should mention those that are really strong these days. I hate everything and I really want space and a break from most people and things, but at the same time I want to be surrounded by people who I know care, and dance along the path of life happily. /Confusedface.

Ah I better stop now. Time to get my psychology proposal over and done with. ^^'

I don't deserve you, any of you

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now. I don't want self pity or people telling me that I'm not everything I say I am. I can't even begin to explain how deep my hatred is for myself right at this very moment and how much I don't want to stop digging my nails into the palm of my hand. Just because I feel terrible and hate everything right now, I have no right to be such a bitch to the people who care about me and weren't even trying to irritate me on purpose, at first anyway... :S I feel like... I don't know... Ripping something, maybe myself to shreds... I feel like I deserve to be punished. I was actually just considering not even eating again for a long while after finishing the forty hour famine tomorrow night. I don't deserve any of what I have. Sometimes I don't understand why anyone loves me at all.

I can't do this

I so badly want to tear my nails into my skin right now... Deep enough so that I bleed, like the last time. But no, I promised I would never do that again. And I shouldn't. It does nothing in the end... I'd just end up with more scars. It's been a while now anyway, and I know it's terrible. It's a stupid, idiotic thing to do. I sound insane. What's wrong with me?? I won't... I won't let myself do something so stupid again, no matter how much I want to.

Damn it. I wish I could hide certain posts because I don't want people to know and I don't want to upset some of them... But I needed to write this somewhere... It's better than actually following through.

Just... don't.

I don't know anything any more... how I manage to mess so many things up, why I can't stop procrastinating, why you don't seem to care about me, why I can't be better, why I just want to curl up in a corner and cry till I can't cry any more... But that would make it the third time today. >.< I don't feel like talking to you, just leave me alone. I feel horrible and sick and my head hurts when I think about how much homework I need to get done yet I can't bring myself to just get it over and done with. I'd even prefer staring at a blank wall... 

I barely do anything and I still manage to do too many things wrong. Damn it. I'm such a bitch. A dumb, whiny bitch. I'm sorry.

XS & Maccas Run = Good Night =]

Thanks to two beautiful girls, tonight I was/am so much happier than I have been in a long long time. I haven't been that hyper or felt that carefree in too long to remember and it was so good being able to spend time with just the two of you and ramble on about pretty much anything. Oh and it kinda feels good to be told how much I'm loved and how cute I am just because of all the stupid things I say and just because I'm being myself. :$

Thank you. You guys are amazing. =]

Damn it.

Why can't I be better than this?!? Argh.

Relapse?

Being yelled at for unintentionally doing something just set me off last night. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a while. Instead of leaving my room to get something like I'd planned, I ended up shutting my door and sliding to the ground. I could so easily have created pain that I could control... It wasn't like I desperately wanted to hurt myself and had no control over it, but it would have felt better right? :/ Sometimes I used hurting myself as a way of stopping myself from saying things when I shouldn't, before I made a situation worse, but I was kind of shocked at how strong the urge to punish myself was last night. I just keep making a mess of things... I was kinda happy and all this evening, until I remembered last night. :S Even with being sick at home yesterday, it wasn't overly bad. I helped mum out quite a bit, watched Naruto, did homework and cleaned a little, so basically things were going well. I was even really proud that I hadn't lost my temper at all and done everything mum had asked me to... And then at night, I just made one little mistake and they were so mad at me. /Sigh. It's not like I intentionally try to ruin people's sleep and do stupid things.

Is she right in saying that I am selfish and vain? She says that I care too much about my looks, I overexercise at times, waste too much time on exercising and that I'm too over the top when it comes to eating healthily... That I don't concentrate enough on helping her, and I only care about myself and my friends... That I don't appreciate her at all. But I do. I'm just not always good at showing my appreciation and how much I care... You know what I hate the most?? When you tell all of us that we won't care when you die... That makes me go insane. Of course we care, don't ever tell me I don't! And don't tell me that you know what I think about everything and that I would choose guys because of their looks... Don't tell me why I'm upset, when in reality you have no idea. You know what else annoys me? When you say that I should never tell any of my friends everything, when you say that they won't always be there for me, that I shouldn't go to them for advice when they know nothing... and tell me that I don't trust you or him. I would trust you if you gave me a reason to... But the times I did decide to trust you and talked to you about certain things, you told him. He doesn't need to know everything. If I want him to know, I'll tell him. How come when I talk to him, he doesn't tell you unless I say it's okay? Argh, why can't you be like that too...?

It feels like you keep dropping me, and there are cracks all over me... If you keep doing this, I'll fall apart eventually. He already did that to me, and now you are? Please... Please stop. I can't last forever.

I almost feel that way again... How did I describe it to Lollipop? Just wanting to let go of everything; emotions, problems, people, school work, you, and leave it all behind... then run and run till I have nothing left, run through the dark until I collapse onto the ground and lie there sobbing full of emptiness.

I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow morning and think how stupid thinking all of this and feeling this way was though... I do that a lot... None of it seems so bad in the early morning.

I wish I had superpowers...

Actually, no... I'd rather just be magic. :)

• First, I would fix certain friendships
• Open his eyes to what he's blind to
• Fast forward to the end of Year 12
• Improve my design skills
• Make sure that she will be happy
• Get both of them to talk to me again
• Maybe make him care about me again
• Build my self confidence
• Stop all the fights and arguments
• Make a difference in someone's life
• Have enough money to help people in need
• Make myself better again... I can't even go to school when I want to :(

Wow, farmer wants a wife... >.< What a stupid show... Trying to set up a 'happily ever after'. I don't understand shows like that. It seems so stupid and pointless... Might just be because I'm sick and sort of merr aofsdifdh but it just makes me kinda annoyed. :S

I hope I can be back at school tomorrow. I really wanted to go this morning, but I sounded like an old man or something... :/ That can't be normal. Not entirely sure if feeling like everything is tilting or like I'm about to fall over randomly is normal either... :S I don't know... I just want to be better again, so I can see people and not fall behind with school work.

Oh, and Lollipop, what I forgot to mention in my last blog is that you've helped make me the person I am today. Thank you. :)

Uhm okay... I don't think I will ever understand you. Any one want to volunteer to protect me? /Sigh. If only I could shield myself from feelings sometimes... like right now. Ugh.

Felt the need to dedicate a blog to Lollipop...

I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt like I needed to tell you how amazing you are... I've told you countless times before... but I guess I still don't think you are told enough. Sometimes I don't see you for just a few mere hours, but I still miss you. You have no idea how much you mean to me. There aren't enough words to explain just how much. You have kept me from falling apart more times than I can count, just by being there for me, by listening to me and letting me know how much you care. I don't think I've told you before, but I actually admire you... You possess qualities that I wish I had and anyone who has you as a friend should count themselves extremely lucky. I love you.

And well I know it's only been a day but I miss you already... <3

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.

Drones by Rise Against.

This song makes me think of you, both of you... It just started playing and you both popped into my head, merr. :/ I'm almost certain that neither of you think about me at all or care. I probably just don't exist according to you. That line (points to the title) just makes me think... it's what you do even though I never wished you would. If you're happier without me though, I guess that's good...? It doesn't make me feel good or anything but everyone else should always come first anyway right? I feel bad if I think about myself before anyone else, generally... As long as everyone else is happy, I'll go along with things... As much as possible anyway. 

/Sigh. I never thought I would actually get to such a point of procrastination where I actually haven't started an assignment on the night it's due after a four day extension. >.< I should be procrastinating less this year not more. atsgdyufsd was ist das?!?  Ah I guess I'll just be stupid and make notes for now and talk to my teacher tomorrow. D: I'm so stupid, but at the moment I just don't care that much. I just hope it doesn't mean that I fail...

Great, that made me think of the end of year exams. To be completely honest I'm terrified... of change, of ending up with terrible results, never coming back to school again, not seeing my friends almost all the time, doing missionary work, starting university, not being as good as others aspiring to be designers... That's probably one of my greatest fears at the moment. They're all better than me already... I even started teaching myself a program before he did and now he's already so much better than me. It makes me feel so inferior and like I don't have a chance next to him, and probably everyone else...

I can't do anything
I can't do anything without You
But You can do everything
You can do everything You want
I just can't believe
I can't believe that You would love me
After everything
After everything I've done
And I want to love You
Love You more than life itself
And I want to hold You
Even though You can't be held
Because You're so much more
Than everything I've ever known
Anything, anything
I'd give anything
I would give anything to hold You
I want to live for You
For You alone I want to live
When I see Your face
I would do anything to know You
You gave everything
You gave all You have to give

That song kind of made me feel better... but I just found out that I woke my dad up last night because I was screaming in my sleep and that I ruined his sleep. Thanks for making me feel even more guilty, but I didn't do it on purpose... I thought I stopped sleep talking and screaming a while back... I guess I was wrong. At least I don't remember that dream. You make me feel like I'm such a horrible person and like I ruin everything... I'm sorry if I do. I don't mean to be selfish and rude and irritating. I promise I'm trying to be a better person though. I just wish you would believe me when I tell you that I'm trying...

To my mother, to my father

It's your son or it's your daughter

Are my screams loud enough for

You to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere too fast

The silence is what kills me 

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decision

It's kind of odd how the songs that are playing at the moment all seem to be relevant...

I should stop being sad though and appreciate what I have. I mean I do appreciate everything I have, sometimes it's just really hard to show that I do and then you think I don't appreciate you or what you do at all...

Oh and an observation I have made mainly over the past month... People are really stupid. -__- To state the obvious... I mean I've known that for ages, but I never realised before how insanely stupid some people could be, to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode... Also, being shut in a soundproof room by myself today would have been great... Some people drive me insane.

Just to end this blog with something happy, I thought I should mention that I kinda want to get a party bus to formal... Like those old style London double decker buses, but with a dj, karaoke, etc. :) Sounds exciting, and unique, I think, aha. To be honest, I'm not so excited about the actual formal, just the party bus if I get to go in one, and my own dress design being made.

The little things can make such a difference.

Thank you for the random email that made my night.

'I just thought you should know that I love you stacks and think that you're rather amazing (:

xo'

Sometimes the smallest things can make everything seem so much brighter... but then again it works the opposite way too. I hate how some people make a massive fuss over stupid problems when they are nothing compared to what some people are going through; physically and mentally. I should really be starting my powerpoint which is due at 12 tonight, but blogging seemed like a much better idea, so I'd thought I'd just do that instead. Definitely a bad decision but oh well, concentrating on school work with my head full of thoughts just doesn't seem to work out for me.

Just seeing you in the library today while I was there for a whole double made me miss you so much more again, oh yay. :( I'll admit I'm starting to miss you a little less but even so, I have so many regrets when it comes to you, although I don't regret being with you in the first place. I was so young and stupid back then and if only I had thought everything through better... I always think that and then I realise that it wasn't even because of that that our friendship ended up being destroyed... Grah, I just always think that I could have done everything better and tried so much harder and made a massive difference... :S I even dreamt about you not that long ago, stupid though. The possibility that we could become friends again and yeah... even go to formal together? Hah, I hate my imagination/dreams.

On a happier note, being able to talk to Lollipop for just a few minutes this evening did make me smile. I love you <3

I just remembered...

I started writing this somewhere around the beginning of the year when I randomly had an idea, and never finished it. I hope I think of some way to finish it eventually... I think it's half decent.

[Broken heart]

She waited as his footsteps slowly faded, the only sound her laboured breathing, as she sat shivering in her wreck of a car, her knees pulled close to her chest. She gently traced a love heart in the fog her breath had left behind, slowly moving her finger over the broken glass. It was perfect. A jagged crack ran down the middle, splitting it in two. With a trembling hand she reached out again, running her fingers over it several times. A broken heart in all its beauty. Blood trickled down as the cracks slowly spread outwards from the centre, the pieces all falling instantaneously with a loud crash, or at least it appeared that way.

The car represented her life, the heart in the fog how she felt inside... she took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, curled up amongst the broken glass. It was over; he wasn’t coming back.

[Ray of Hope]

She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the scene around her. She hadn’t planned on this; waking up again, the evidence of what had happened surrounding her. She wasn’t sure why but for some reason, even with the blood and shattered glass plainly there for her to see, not allowing her to forget what had transpired, the light reflecting off the glass took away from her broken shell of a life... Maybe time, time that she had wished would cease, had started healing that shell ever so slightly, creating a ray of hope, minimal but in existence nonetheless.

[New Wounds]

Gently, she moved, her expression a grimace of pain as she attempted to uncurl herself. Shards of glass pierced her skin as she worked ever so carefully to reach a sitting position. No matter how tenderly she moved, she could feel stabbing pains all over her body, new wounds forming and the barely healed ones reopening, somehow deeper than before.

Sitting up was hard enough. No, she didn’t even want to think about the task of extracting herself from this mess just yet.

[Always There]

As she hugged herself, shaking with cold, a few rays of light escaped through the dull, grey clouds to reach out to her, and warmth began to spread through her. She looked up at the sky, tears dripping down her face to mingle with dried dirt and blood. Even with tears blurring her vision, the faint golden rays amongst the miserable clouds could not be missed.

Hope is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder.

Opinions...? :)

Also... I know you will never read this, but to the person who wrote this letter to me when I was really screwed up with the bulimia thing... I miss you a lot and I wish we could be friends again, kinda... :S You were always there for me throughout everything back then...

 Read this

Bulimia is overly homosexual, and it hurts me muchly. It’s a fact that 5-10percent of girls and women do it, so you’re not the only one. However it’s still rather strange and queer. I really want you to stop and I’ll help you no matter what. Anyway i can. Many girls don’t like the way they are, but I don’t see why you don’t like what you see in the mirror, Cos your pretty damn cool and if somebody says otherwise, tell me and they will be hurted ? I rate you highly in my friendshipness, your pretty damn awesome and i love you. Remember what I said on the ferry thing back from KI? It’s true, I’m there for you homie. ? Pull through or Ill have to bash you up xD Also this stuff your throwing out of your mouth tastes yucky, ruins your white pretty little teeth and gives you bad breath. It can also kill or damage you if you do it too much, stomach acids like living in the stomach, thats why they are called stomach acids, not acids of wherever you vomit. Yucky.

Also, did you know Each day Americans spend an average of $109 million on dieting and diet related products. Each day man, thats like $39785 million a year.  You’re probably like, yeah talking shit and making numbers again but its actual true. Research girl ?  Also, 50% of girls 8-10 are unhappy with their size, thats pretty wack, their kids for fark sake. Go play with a Barbie. What your doing is silly because they think its the norm, when its not. Freakshow <33

Be smart

Listen to the wiseman. Peace

Protect me?

I just want someone to protect me from all the bad things in this world... If only that was possible... At least someone to be there with me through everything.

Someone who will...

• always try to make time for me.
• love me unconditionally.
• forgive me no matter how many times I push them away.
• wipe away my tears when I cry.
• try to understand me while no one else does.
• never make me doubt their love for me.
• deal with me in insane moods.
• tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts

So many nights I find myself feeling alone and lost... swept up in a whirlwind of emotions... I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until I have nothing left. Mostly I don't tell anyone though. Everyone has enough to deal with without listening to me complain. I doubt there's anyone who would want to look after me each night these feelings overwhelm me. I know people care, but sometimes it just feels as if I have no one, no one at all.

I guess these are just some of the reasons why I find myself like that at night... 

• I want to do some missionary work next year before going to university and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. It's a massive thing to think about, seeing as I don't even have that much confidence with certain people, but there are so many people who are in need. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to just sit back and enjoy the amount of blessings I have? I want to go out into the world and make a real difference.

• I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past. Several times in the past week and a half my mum has mentioned a family on the news who have an anorexic daughter. Mum told me that I was already part of the way there, that I would destroy my family... She doesn't know that I've already been there and that sometimes I still struggle with eating properly. Whenever I'm sad or angry I find it so hard to eat, I just detest the thought of it even more than I usually do. On top of that, when I'm sad or angry and don't eat, my parents get irritated with me, upsetting me even more, so it's like an ongoing cycle. Also, being told that I could destroy my family definitely does not improve my mood. That's the thing. I know that telling my parents what I have done could make a mess of things and being told that just makes me feel even worse... I thought parents were meant to support their kids if they had problems...  It's not like you can click your fingers and get rid of a disorder though, especially because at times the people who have them don't want to get rid of them. At times I am one of them. I want my disorder to continue. It sounds stupid and terrible. I know it's bad though, which is why I am doing everything to change. Maybe it's because at the time it makes you feel better. I guess it's like it's something that you can control in your life, to begin with anyway. Then it gets out of hand, and it gets increasingly dangerous... It's addictive. There's so much more I could say but I'm only going to say one more thing. It's not worth it so don't even attempt it.

• You made me feel as if I was worth so much even after I said horrible things about you and you decided to forgive me. Now I don't even know if you ever cared. Were you just transferring your feelings for her to me temporarily or did you actually care? And now that you have someone else, I don't mean a thing to you... At least it feels that way. If that's not the way it is, then you're going to have to prove it to me. I miss you, though I probably shouldn't...

• And then there's you. You get to spend so much time with him and yet you complain that someone else tags along with you two. At least you still get to spend time with him! I almost screamed that in your face the other day... He never spends time with me. He doesn't seem to care. I don't even know why I'm so jealous of you. It's not like I like him as more than a friend or anything. But it's like all his attention is focused on you, and her... I'm just that person he used to care about...

• My almost complete lack of confidence and ability to speak to certain people. Why is it so hard? Why do I make it so hard? I really want to be good friends with you, but my fear of rejection and people laughing at me is a bit of an obstacle. I don't think I'm amazing. I don't think I'm beautiful or thin. I don't see why some of my friends love me so much. I'm so stupid and I have made so many mistakes. Why would he want to talk to me at all? I know he doesn't know me really well, but why would he want to get to know me in the first place?

• ^^ See above. Insulting myself all the time. I guess it's just how I see myself. Someday I will be different though. I'll be confident and I'll be happy with myself and who I am. Someday...

There are probably other things bothering me at the moment but those are the main ones. I honestly did not mean to write that much. Wow. 

I guess I should start off by explaining my blog title.

Be Yourself by Audioslave.

One of my favourite songs, probably more because of the meaning behind it rather than the music. No one can do any more than trying to be themselves. I know that not every one knows exactly who they are or how they can be themselves and I am one of them. I am searching constantly... Every little thing builds me up into the person I am or will be eventually. Although along the way there are many things that tear me down as well, they make me who I am, as I continue in my journey towards being myself.

Someone falls to pieces
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave
Yeah... 

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Hey...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Yeah..
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Hey...
Be yourself is all that you can do

even when you've paid enough
been put upon or been held up
with every single memory of
the good or bad, faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
i'm sure everything will end up alright
you may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeah...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Ohhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Ohhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can dooooooohoooo