If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.

Drones by Rise Against.

This song makes me think of you, both of you... It just started playing and you both popped into my head, merr. :/ I'm almost certain that neither of you think about me at all or care. I probably just don't exist according to you. That line (points to the title) just makes me think... it's what you do even though I never wished you would. If you're happier without me though, I guess that's good...? It doesn't make me feel good or anything but everyone else should always come first anyway right? I feel bad if I think about myself before anyone else, generally... As long as everyone else is happy, I'll go along with things... As much as possible anyway. 

/Sigh. I never thought I would actually get to such a point of procrastination where I actually haven't started an assignment on the night it's due after a four day extension. >.< I should be procrastinating less this year not more. atsgdyufsd was ist das?!?  Ah I guess I'll just be stupid and make notes for now and talk to my teacher tomorrow. D: I'm so stupid, but at the moment I just don't care that much. I just hope it doesn't mean that I fail...

Great, that made me think of the end of year exams. To be completely honest I'm terrified... of change, of ending up with terrible results, never coming back to school again, not seeing my friends almost all the time, doing missionary work, starting university, not being as good as others aspiring to be designers... That's probably one of my greatest fears at the moment. They're all better than me already... I even started teaching myself a program before he did and now he's already so much better than me. It makes me feel so inferior and like I don't have a chance next to him, and probably everyone else...

I can't do anything
I can't do anything without You
But You can do everything
You can do everything You want
I just can't believe
I can't believe that You would love me
After everything
After everything I've done
And I want to love You
Love You more than life itself
And I want to hold You
Even though You can't be held
Because You're so much more
Than everything I've ever known
Anything, anything
I'd give anything
I would give anything to hold You
I want to live for You
For You alone I want to live
When I see Your face
I would do anything to know You
You gave everything
You gave all You have to give

That song kind of made me feel better... but I just found out that I woke my dad up last night because I was screaming in my sleep and that I ruined his sleep. Thanks for making me feel even more guilty, but I didn't do it on purpose... I thought I stopped sleep talking and screaming a while back... I guess I was wrong. At least I don't remember that dream. You make me feel like I'm such a horrible person and like I ruin everything... I'm sorry if I do. I don't mean to be selfish and rude and irritating. I promise I'm trying to be a better person though. I just wish you would believe me when I tell you that I'm trying...

To my mother, to my father

It's your son or it's your daughter

Are my screams loud enough for

You to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere too fast

The silence is what kills me 

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decision

It's kind of odd how the songs that are playing at the moment all seem to be relevant...

I should stop being sad though and appreciate what I have. I mean I do appreciate everything I have, sometimes it's just really hard to show that I do and then you think I don't appreciate you or what you do at all...

Oh and an observation I have made mainly over the past month... People are really stupid. -__- To state the obvious... I mean I've known that for ages, but I never realised before how insanely stupid some people could be, to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode... Also, being shut in a soundproof room by myself today would have been great... Some people drive me insane.

Just to end this blog with something happy, I thought I should mention that I kinda want to get a party bus to formal... Like those old style London double decker buses, but with a dj, karaoke, etc. :) Sounds exciting, and unique, I think, aha. To be honest, I'm not so excited about the actual formal, just the party bus if I get to go in one, and my own dress design being made.

Protect me?

I just want someone to protect me from all the bad things in this world... If only that was possible... At least someone to be there with me through everything.

Someone who will...

• always try to make time for me.
• love me unconditionally.
• forgive me no matter how many times I push them away.
• wipe away my tears when I cry.
• try to understand me while no one else does.
• never make me doubt their love for me.
• deal with me in insane moods.
• tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts

So many nights I find myself feeling alone and lost... swept up in a whirlwind of emotions... I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until I have nothing left. Mostly I don't tell anyone though. Everyone has enough to deal with without listening to me complain. I doubt there's anyone who would want to look after me each night these feelings overwhelm me. I know people care, but sometimes it just feels as if I have no one, no one at all.

I guess these are just some of the reasons why I find myself like that at night... 

• I want to do some missionary work next year before going to university and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. It's a massive thing to think about, seeing as I don't even have that much confidence with certain people, but there are so many people who are in need. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to just sit back and enjoy the amount of blessings I have? I want to go out into the world and make a real difference.

• I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past. Several times in the past week and a half my mum has mentioned a family on the news who have an anorexic daughter. Mum told me that I was already part of the way there, that I would destroy my family... She doesn't know that I've already been there and that sometimes I still struggle with eating properly. Whenever I'm sad or angry I find it so hard to eat, I just detest the thought of it even more than I usually do. On top of that, when I'm sad or angry and don't eat, my parents get irritated with me, upsetting me even more, so it's like an ongoing cycle. Also, being told that I could destroy my family definitely does not improve my mood. That's the thing. I know that telling my parents what I have done could make a mess of things and being told that just makes me feel even worse... I thought parents were meant to support their kids if they had problems...  It's not like you can click your fingers and get rid of a disorder though, especially because at times the people who have them don't want to get rid of them. At times I am one of them. I want my disorder to continue. It sounds stupid and terrible. I know it's bad though, which is why I am doing everything to change. Maybe it's because at the time it makes you feel better. I guess it's like it's something that you can control in your life, to begin with anyway. Then it gets out of hand, and it gets increasingly dangerous... It's addictive. There's so much more I could say but I'm only going to say one more thing. It's not worth it so don't even attempt it.

• You made me feel as if I was worth so much even after I said horrible things about you and you decided to forgive me. Now I don't even know if you ever cared. Were you just transferring your feelings for her to me temporarily or did you actually care? And now that you have someone else, I don't mean a thing to you... At least it feels that way. If that's not the way it is, then you're going to have to prove it to me. I miss you, though I probably shouldn't...

• And then there's you. You get to spend so much time with him and yet you complain that someone else tags along with you two. At least you still get to spend time with him! I almost screamed that in your face the other day... He never spends time with me. He doesn't seem to care. I don't even know why I'm so jealous of you. It's not like I like him as more than a friend or anything. But it's like all his attention is focused on you, and her... I'm just that person he used to care about...

• My almost complete lack of confidence and ability to speak to certain people. Why is it so hard? Why do I make it so hard? I really want to be good friends with you, but my fear of rejection and people laughing at me is a bit of an obstacle. I don't think I'm amazing. I don't think I'm beautiful or thin. I don't see why some of my friends love me so much. I'm so stupid and I have made so many mistakes. Why would he want to talk to me at all? I know he doesn't know me really well, but why would he want to get to know me in the first place?

• ^^ See above. Insulting myself all the time. I guess it's just how I see myself. Someday I will be different though. I'll be confident and I'll be happy with myself and who I am. Someday...

There are probably other things bothering me at the moment but those are the main ones. I honestly did not mean to write that much. Wow.