This is insane. I woke up this morning and was like everything seems so much better in the morning... but you're all depressed again. I've noticed that as much as I encourage and tell you not to focus on all the negative things, your mood just drags me down, a lot further than I ever expected. I can't not be affected by your feelings because I care about you so much and I have to say that I definitely prefer you venting than keeping everything bottled up inside, although I prefer not to talk to any one, because I personally don't want to drag any one else down, but I prefer you dragging me down if it helps you. In all seriousness though, when I talk to you these days, when I listen to how negative you are, it's like waves of sadness just continually sweep through me. I can't just not be there for you... I have to help you somehow. I understand though, I really do. I understand the feeling of wanting that one person who will always love you no matter what, who will always be there for you and not judge you, who will always be there to listen to you, to try and make you feel better, someone who will be by your side for life.

Fear.

Right now, I'm sitting alone in a cold empty house, and for some reason I'm completely terrified. I've stayed home at night by myself before and mostly been okay... but I just want to be surrounded by people... I want to hear laughter and loud voices... I'm absolutely scared and I don't like this at all... Maybe it's because I read a couple of murder stories and dad isn't home at the moment. I don't know. I should have gone with him. I'm not gonna get homework done anyway, when I'm so freaked out. Damn it, I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's a combination of all the stress due to school work, the lack of sleep, the murder stories, not being able to do much stuff outside of school and how upset I normally I get every night. Although it's normally later at night when I begin to feel sad... I even feel like randomly bursting into tears. Argh, I want my friends.

On a different topic, although I'm still kinda scared :S There are some things I want to say to a few people.

• You absolutely terrify me sometimes and I just want to run away and hide from you.
• Although most of the time we just argue, I honestly love being friends with you. You're a much better person than several people give you credit for.
• This one's directed at two people in particular. I hope you two will always be a part of my life as you are both so amazing.
• You probably won't realise that this one is directed at you, but you don't seem to have much belief in yourself and believe me when I say that you are an amazing person and you shouldn't doubt yourself or your standing with others.

I have to say that writing that calmed me down a little, but I just wish I had at least one friend here with me right now. I'm so freaking stupid. I hate myself at times like this. Shadows and empty houses haven't scared me in a long time. :S I think I misplaced my courage and gained some new fears instead. Oh gosh, I feel like the biggest idiot writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me... 

Caught in a whirlwind of contradicting emotions

Uhm, I just thought I should upload this quick sketch I did the other night. It's really bad, but well it was basically just a combination of my feelings and thoughts at the time and sometimes I find it easier to express my emotions by drawing. The picture doesn't exactly represent what I believe to be true, but mainly what it feels/has felt like to me recently. If you can't tell, uhh, the squigglyish lines on the smaller character's face are supposed to be cracks and he/she feels like they are falling apart, while the character who is monster sized in comparison is holding his/her broken heart and doesn't think that anyone else is good enough and if they ever said that they loved them or anything positive about them, well sorry but those were lies through and through.

I did it again... I did one little thing, which wasn't even going to cause any damage like he seemed to think it would, and he overreacted. He got over it in like 2 seconds, but damn, why do I have to take every little thing so personally?? Every stupid little mistake I make haunts me for ages after. I thought I had built up a wall of resistance to the hurtful things people say and do... I mean, I guess I have. It's just that the bad things or even the jokes somehow penetrate the barrier anyway, it's like it's not even there. They don't affect me so much, but they affect me so much more. I don't even know how to explain this... It kind of makes sense in my head, but now I just sound like a complete and utter idiot. Is it possible to have become immune to something but at the same time it also causes more pain? It's like I don't absorb it so much but it pierces me to the very core still. Argh, I barely know what I'm trying to say... But I suppose if I had to summarise all of this, it would go a little like this. I take a lot of things that are done or said personally and use them to try and prove to the world that I'm not a good person like so many people seem to think. For example, being told that I always screw things up. She had no reason to lie... It feels like I'm running and running but going nowhere yet again, though I've been running even faster and harder... It's taken so much more effort and I can feel it; it's draining my energy. Then I look down, and realise that I haven't even moved a millimetre.

I can't take this any more, and I shouldn't even be complaining. I'm so much better off than so many other people out there. My problems are nowhere near close to being any of the worst in the world. This is meant to be for expressing my feelings though so I guess it's okay...

While I'm on the topic of contradicting feelings, I should mention those that are really strong these days. I hate everything and I really want space and a break from most people and things, but at the same time I want to be surrounded by people who I know care, and dance along the path of life happily. /Confusedface.

Ah I better stop now. Time to get my psychology proposal over and done with. ^^'

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.

Drones by Rise Against.

This song makes me think of you, both of you... It just started playing and you both popped into my head, merr. :/ I'm almost certain that neither of you think about me at all or care. I probably just don't exist according to you. That line (points to the title) just makes me think... it's what you do even though I never wished you would. If you're happier without me though, I guess that's good...? It doesn't make me feel good or anything but everyone else should always come first anyway right? I feel bad if I think about myself before anyone else, generally... As long as everyone else is happy, I'll go along with things... As much as possible anyway. 

/Sigh. I never thought I would actually get to such a point of procrastination where I actually haven't started an assignment on the night it's due after a four day extension. >.< I should be procrastinating less this year not more. atsgdyufsd was ist das?!?  Ah I guess I'll just be stupid and make notes for now and talk to my teacher tomorrow. D: I'm so stupid, but at the moment I just don't care that much. I just hope it doesn't mean that I fail...

Great, that made me think of the end of year exams. To be completely honest I'm terrified... of change, of ending up with terrible results, never coming back to school again, not seeing my friends almost all the time, doing missionary work, starting university, not being as good as others aspiring to be designers... That's probably one of my greatest fears at the moment. They're all better than me already... I even started teaching myself a program before he did and now he's already so much better than me. It makes me feel so inferior and like I don't have a chance next to him, and probably everyone else...

I can't do anything
I can't do anything without You
But You can do everything
You can do everything You want
I just can't believe
I can't believe that You would love me
After everything
After everything I've done
And I want to love You
Love You more than life itself
And I want to hold You
Even though You can't be held
Because You're so much more
Than everything I've ever known
Anything, anything
I'd give anything
I would give anything to hold You
I want to live for You
For You alone I want to live
When I see Your face
I would do anything to know You
You gave everything
You gave all You have to give

That song kind of made me feel better... but I just found out that I woke my dad up last night because I was screaming in my sleep and that I ruined his sleep. Thanks for making me feel even more guilty, but I didn't do it on purpose... I thought I stopped sleep talking and screaming a while back... I guess I was wrong. At least I don't remember that dream. You make me feel like I'm such a horrible person and like I ruin everything... I'm sorry if I do. I don't mean to be selfish and rude and irritating. I promise I'm trying to be a better person though. I just wish you would believe me when I tell you that I'm trying...

To my mother, to my father

It's your son or it's your daughter

Are my screams loud enough for

You to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere too fast

The silence is what kills me 

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decision

It's kind of odd how the songs that are playing at the moment all seem to be relevant...

I should stop being sad though and appreciate what I have. I mean I do appreciate everything I have, sometimes it's just really hard to show that I do and then you think I don't appreciate you or what you do at all...

Oh and an observation I have made mainly over the past month... People are really stupid. -__- To state the obvious... I mean I've known that for ages, but I never realised before how insanely stupid some people could be, to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode... Also, being shut in a soundproof room by myself today would have been great... Some people drive me insane.

Just to end this blog with something happy, I thought I should mention that I kinda want to get a party bus to formal... Like those old style London double decker buses, but with a dj, karaoke, etc. :) Sounds exciting, and unique, I think, aha. To be honest, I'm not so excited about the actual formal, just the party bus if I get to go in one, and my own dress design being made.