But wishes generally don't come true...

I wish ...

• people weren't so bitchy. 
• I was beautiful.
• we had chances to actually hang out more than once a week.
• you cared about me more.
• that things work out for you.
• I could get a job.
• I knew exactly who really cares and who doesn't. Some I can easily pick, others I can't...
• you lived closer.
• that for once you would stop being so over dramatic and selfish.
• that I could stay friends with you forever
• I was smart enough.
• I was better at photography and design. If I'm not good enough, I won't get anywhere in the design industry.
• that school wasn't over just yet, kinda...
• camping was sooner.
• that you'd stop bringing up stuff that's happened between me and my friends. It's none of your business. Sorry, but it really isn't. At all. Also, don't bring up stuff and then ignore me completely after I get mad. I've told you countless times not to bring up certain topics.
• we had the chance to be friends again. I think if we had just a little more time, we might have been again. 
• I was some one that people could look up to.
• that I was a better person.
• I knew how to organise doing missionary work and I wish I could do it sooner.
• I was a better friend.
• things were slightly different.
• I was motivated.

Realisation.

Okay, so I'm just a little bit scared of hanging out with you again. I was terrified of even saying hi to you... on msn. I'm pathetic, and I lied. I'm not just a little bit scared. I'm really scared. :( I hate that no matter how much I want to, I can't seem to completely trust a guy. I mean, I guess there is one I completely trust. It's probably more that I find it really hard to actually tell them everything even if I trust them. I've been thinking about all this a lot lately... and I noticed that every single guy who has said that they will always be there for me in the past and made promises to me went back on their word. And... well, I guess it's just kinda like there's always something stopping me from becoming as close to a guy like I used to be able to... There are three people in particular that I have been so close to, that I didn't think that anything could ever tear us apart, yet so many things did. I don't know how to explain any of this any more, so I'm just gonna leave it now and explain my title for this blog.

The other day I was looking through all my old photos and I found heaps of photos from when I went to India with my family at the end of Year 9. I think that was the year I started thinking that I was too fat and began throwing up or just not eating. My view of myself was so different then to how it is now... Looking back at the pictures, I was actually terrified of how thin I was, and I remember thinking that I just wasn't thin enough yet. I mean, I still don't think I'm thin enough these days, but I don't think I'm fat any more, and I wouldn't try to change that the way I used to, as much as I want to at times. I don't even know how to begin explaining just how much it terrifies me, which may seem stupid, but it's just... I was so close... so close to becoming so much worse.

Ah I can't even finish this blog... meh. There are just a few people I really wanna spend time with at the moment... although I reaaaally want to go back to camp as well. It was from Friday evening till Sunday afternoon at El Shaddai, where we all went for year 8 camp. It's so nice over there. I'm so glad I decided to go, even though the rest of my family didn't. I even talked to new people, which is generally hard for me, and got to know others better. :)