But wishes generally don't come true...

I wish ...

• people weren't so bitchy. 
• I was beautiful.
• we had chances to actually hang out more than once a week.
• you cared about me more.
• that things work out for you.
• I could get a job.
• I knew exactly who really cares and who doesn't. Some I can easily pick, others I can't...
• you lived closer.
• that for once you would stop being so over dramatic and selfish.
• that I could stay friends with you forever
• I was smart enough.
• I was better at photography and design. If I'm not good enough, I won't get anywhere in the design industry.
• that school wasn't over just yet, kinda...
• camping was sooner.
• that you'd stop bringing up stuff that's happened between me and my friends. It's none of your business. Sorry, but it really isn't. At all. Also, don't bring up stuff and then ignore me completely after I get mad. I've told you countless times not to bring up certain topics.
• we had the chance to be friends again. I think if we had just a little more time, we might have been again. 
• I was some one that people could look up to.
• that I was a better person.
• I knew how to organise doing missionary work and I wish I could do it sooner.
• I was a better friend.
• things were slightly different.
• I was motivated.

Protect me?

I just want someone to protect me from all the bad things in this world... If only that was possible... At least someone to be there with me through everything.

Someone who will...

• always try to make time for me.
• love me unconditionally.
• forgive me no matter how many times I push them away.
• wipe away my tears when I cry.
• try to understand me while no one else does.
• never make me doubt their love for me.
• deal with me in insane moods.
• tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts

So many nights I find myself feeling alone and lost... swept up in a whirlwind of emotions... I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until I have nothing left. Mostly I don't tell anyone though. Everyone has enough to deal with without listening to me complain. I doubt there's anyone who would want to look after me each night these feelings overwhelm me. I know people care, but sometimes it just feels as if I have no one, no one at all.

I guess these are just some of the reasons why I find myself like that at night... 

• I want to do some missionary work next year before going to university and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. It's a massive thing to think about, seeing as I don't even have that much confidence with certain people, but there are so many people who are in need. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to just sit back and enjoy the amount of blessings I have? I want to go out into the world and make a real difference.

• I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past. Several times in the past week and a half my mum has mentioned a family on the news who have an anorexic daughter. Mum told me that I was already part of the way there, that I would destroy my family... She doesn't know that I've already been there and that sometimes I still struggle with eating properly. Whenever I'm sad or angry I find it so hard to eat, I just detest the thought of it even more than I usually do. On top of that, when I'm sad or angry and don't eat, my parents get irritated with me, upsetting me even more, so it's like an ongoing cycle. Also, being told that I could destroy my family definitely does not improve my mood. That's the thing. I know that telling my parents what I have done could make a mess of things and being told that just makes me feel even worse... I thought parents were meant to support their kids if they had problems...  It's not like you can click your fingers and get rid of a disorder though, especially because at times the people who have them don't want to get rid of them. At times I am one of them. I want my disorder to continue. It sounds stupid and terrible. I know it's bad though, which is why I am doing everything to change. Maybe it's because at the time it makes you feel better. I guess it's like it's something that you can control in your life, to begin with anyway. Then it gets out of hand, and it gets increasingly dangerous... It's addictive. There's so much more I could say but I'm only going to say one more thing. It's not worth it so don't even attempt it.

• You made me feel as if I was worth so much even after I said horrible things about you and you decided to forgive me. Now I don't even know if you ever cared. Were you just transferring your feelings for her to me temporarily or did you actually care? And now that you have someone else, I don't mean a thing to you... At least it feels that way. If that's not the way it is, then you're going to have to prove it to me. I miss you, though I probably shouldn't...

• And then there's you. You get to spend so much time with him and yet you complain that someone else tags along with you two. At least you still get to spend time with him! I almost screamed that in your face the other day... He never spends time with me. He doesn't seem to care. I don't even know why I'm so jealous of you. It's not like I like him as more than a friend or anything. But it's like all his attention is focused on you, and her... I'm just that person he used to care about...

• My almost complete lack of confidence and ability to speak to certain people. Why is it so hard? Why do I make it so hard? I really want to be good friends with you, but my fear of rejection and people laughing at me is a bit of an obstacle. I don't think I'm amazing. I don't think I'm beautiful or thin. I don't see why some of my friends love me so much. I'm so stupid and I have made so many mistakes. Why would he want to talk to me at all? I know he doesn't know me really well, but why would he want to get to know me in the first place?

• ^^ See above. Insulting myself all the time. I guess it's just how I see myself. Someday I will be different though. I'll be confident and I'll be happy with myself and who I am. Someday...

There are probably other things bothering me at the moment but those are the main ones. I honestly did not mean to write that much. Wow.