Today's been decent so far... Yes, there were a couple of fights like usual, but I didn't make a big deal out of something stupid or get fired up easily at all... But now I just feel like a rag doll being tossed about in an ocean while there is a storm raging. I feel little, lost and alone once more. I feel like I'm just going to fall apart again, any second. I want to be surrounded by my friends again. It made me feel happier.

I still don't feel like I'll ever be close to a guy again... I don't understand you either. You seem to get mad or upset with me just because I say that I might not talk to you till the next time I actually see you, like at valedictory tomorrow evening. Is it such a big deal that I might not want to bother going on facebook for a few days? It's not like you don't have other friends that you can talk to when you're not talking to me. You don't NEED to talk to me constantly or anything. What they said has kinda been playing on my mind... I don't know if you made some stuff up and if you did, making me think that I made you hurt yourself, that's... that's just too much. Gah, I don't understand people. :S

I still miss you.

So I decided to keep my blog... Though I doubt many people care/read this, which is probably a good thing in some ways.

Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.

Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.

It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.

I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.

It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.



You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.



I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.


I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'

Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.

And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.

Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.