Today's been decent so far... Yes, there were a couple of fights like usual, but I didn't make a big deal out of something stupid or get fired up easily at all... But now I just feel like a rag doll being tossed about in an ocean while there is a storm raging. I feel little, lost and alone once more. I feel like I'm just going to fall apart again, any second. I want to be surrounded by my friends again. It made me feel happier.

I still don't feel like I'll ever be close to a guy again... I don't understand you either. You seem to get mad or upset with me just because I say that I might not talk to you till the next time I actually see you, like at valedictory tomorrow evening. Is it such a big deal that I might not want to bother going on facebook for a few days? It's not like you don't have other friends that you can talk to when you're not talking to me. You don't NEED to talk to me constantly or anything. What they said has kinda been playing on my mind... I don't know if you made some stuff up and if you did, making me think that I made you hurt yourself, that's... that's just too much. Gah, I don't understand people. :S

Bleh.

Gotta love being excited all day for camping... and then just completely crashing at night. Everything seems horrible/worse again, and now I don't think I'm any better. It seems like this will never go away. Every freaking night, it all comes back to me; mostly the same memories, sometimes with other things that are happening again and again. I don't feel prepared for anything... I feel empty and lost again.

Bleh, I miss him already. It was kinda weird without him today. We're not even heaps good friends, but it was odd not talking to you... :/

All the happiness, excitedness, feeling like I matter, everything good... It felt like it all drained out of me in an instant. I don't want to go any more... I'm scared it'll all be worse at nights with everyone around...  It was bad enough at my friend's sleepover the other day... The movie we watched made me cry because it reminded me of my ex and then two of my friends were talking for ages, and half of it reminded me of him, and him and the other one too... :S :/ and I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't let them notice, although it was kinda upsetting that they weren't able to tell although at the same time I was so relieved... It hurt so much though... At the same time though, I really just want to get away from home. All I do is make a mess of everything.  ARGH @:< /Hating self time. Meerrrr, I'm such a loser. >.<

Oh and also, I've realised it's getting even harder to trust any guys... I don't know why. Yet he was really easy to talk to when we were on that camp at the murray. :S I think I could trust him, but not you. The uncertainty is too much...I can't just tell you why I'm upset just cause you said you don't mind listening or hearing about it... It's just... I tried, I really did, but I couldn't, it was like the words in my head all disappeared in a second... 

The day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you...

I was just listening to this song, and it kinda struck me how right the timing seemed to be. It doesn't hurt at all, any more. It's not that I thought I'd never get through in my case though. More that I thought it would be a lot longer before thinking of you didn't make me upset any more. I'm really glad that the memories are mainly just good ones now. =]

You know, I've been thinking about everything a lot recently, and now that I think about it, I honestly don't think I'm going to miss school as much as I thought I would... I guess it's just that like many people have said, it's time we moved on. After all, there are many bad memories to leave behind as well, although I think I could say that they are probably cancelled out by so many good ones. I think that made more sense in my head. :S Yeah, so basically there are just so many things I have to look forward to right now, and it feels so good to know that I'll be completely free of Year 12 soon. :)

Positive outlook? :)

If you really care or miss me like you say you do, you would make the effort to spend time with me... Ah well, it's not like I expected much more, so I've decided that I will just stay positive and not worry about silly things that I can't change, which also means that when I do spend time with you or say hello, I'll just go with it and make the most of it. There's no need for me to get so worked up over you just not caring, because every time before it just made it hurt so much more each time when you let go of me. That's all in the past now though, and hopefully that's where it will stay. Anyway, my attitude of optimism in this case seems to be working well so far. :)

On another note, high school is almost over forever!!! There's only three days left of school, and even though I still have exams later on, I can't wait till Wednesday. No more having to stress about assignments, and reaaaally late nights, for a while anyway. And there are three things I'm really looking forward to at the moment. :D Going to the beach after our Year 12 breakfast on Wednesday, camping at Mount Barker with a group of awesome friends and formal closer to the end of the year, although at the moment that's just because I get to dress up in an effort to look pretty, and well, we're coming home in a party bus. :D :D I don't think I'm really all that excited for the formal itself at the moment... :S

I can't do this

I so badly want to tear my nails into my skin right now... Deep enough so that I bleed, like the last time. But no, I promised I would never do that again. And I shouldn't. It does nothing in the end... I'd just end up with more scars. It's been a while now anyway, and I know it's terrible. It's a stupid, idiotic thing to do. I sound insane. What's wrong with me?? I won't... I won't let myself do something so stupid again, no matter how much I want to.

Damn it. I wish I could hide certain posts because I don't want people to know and I don't want to upset some of them... But I needed to write this somewhere... It's better than actually following through.