Uhm, I just thought I should upload this quick sketch I did the other night. It's really bad, but well it was basically just a combination of my feelings and thoughts at the time and sometimes I find it easier to express my emotions by drawing. The picture doesn't exactly represent what I believe to be true, but mainly what it feels/has felt like to me recently. If you can't tell, uhh, the squigglyish lines on the smaller character's face are supposed to be cracks and he/she feels like they are falling apart, while the character who is monster sized in comparison is holding his/her broken heart and doesn't think that anyone else is good enough and if they ever said that they loved them or anything positive about them, well sorry but those were lies through and through.
I did it again... I did one little thing, which wasn't even going to cause any damage like he seemed to think it would, and he overreacted. He got over it in like 2 seconds, but damn, why do I have to take every little thing so personally?? Every stupid little mistake I make haunts me for ages after. I thought I had built up a wall of resistance to the hurtful things people say and do... I mean, I guess I have. It's just that the bad things or even the jokes somehow penetrate the barrier anyway, it's like it's not even there. They don't affect me so much, but they affect me so much more. I don't even know how to explain this... It kind of makes sense in my head, but now I just sound like a complete and utter idiot. Is it possible to have become immune to something but at the same time it also causes more pain? It's like I don't absorb it so much but it pierces me to the very core still. Argh, I barely know what I'm trying to say... But I suppose if I had to summarise all of this, it would go a little like this. I take a lot of things that are done or said personally and use them to try and prove to the world that I'm not a good person like so many people seem to think. For example, being told that I always screw things up. She had no reason to lie... It feels like I'm running and running but going nowhere yet again, though I've been running even faster and harder... It's taken so much more effort and I can feel it; it's draining my energy. Then I look down, and realise that I haven't even moved a millimetre.
I can't take this any more, and I shouldn't even be complaining. I'm so much better off than so many other people out there. My problems are nowhere near close to being any of the worst in the world. This is meant to be for expressing my feelings though so I guess it's okay...
While I'm on the topic of contradicting feelings, I should mention those that are really strong these days. I hate everything and I really want space and a break from most people and things, but at the same time I want to be surrounded by people who I know care, and dance along the path of life happily. /Confusedface.
Ah I better stop now. Time to get my psychology proposal over and done with. ^^'
