I think I really did overdo it at the gym... My right bicep is insanely sore, not like when you've had a good, successful work out though. If I just lift my arm, it starts to hurt so much. It feels like my muscles are bruised badly, and although I'm sore elsewhere, this doesn't hurt in the same way. Ah, how have I done something stupid already?? It's only my second week at the gym. :(

I'm so angry, I just want to give up on eating, and throw myself into working out as much as possible. Ugh. >.<

I suck at this whole keeping friends thing when it matters the most. :(

Pro Ana

I just made a tumblr again, but I'm keeping it this time.
I was looking through all these photos, and I came across a girl's pro ana blog, and well, to be perfectly honest, it absolutely terrified me. Yes, I know it's in the past now, and I would never go that far again. I could never break my reaffirmed promises... But that I was on my way to being in the same state as these sort of girls/already was... No wonder my friends were so scared for me.

Definitely in need of a break. It seems like suffocating from this happens way too easily.

Bloody idiot. I can't stand you. Everything's going okay, and you just have to start a fight over something stupid. >.<

Definitely enjoyable when telling one person the truth that you think is harmless, results in them getting angry at someone who simply didn't mention it to them... Le sigh.

Gotta love feeling completely alone.

It makes me sad that I haven't seen the majority of my relatives for almost five years now, especially seeing all the photos that my cousin just uploaded, and everyone looks completely different. I wish I didn't have to miss out on seeing them grow up, like this. I don't even know any of them any more, except my oldest cousin. I know I said it in my last post, but I can't even begin to explain how much I wish I was with them right now, along with my mum.

So I've kind of become good friends with my cousin over the past year or so through facebook, and I want to see him again. It's been almost five years, and I have no idea when I'll get the chance to go back to India to see him. I actually really miss him and I'm so jealous because I'm not over there too...

My cousin's the cutest. :) <3

Actually was able to talk to my cousin on chat for the first time in ages tonight. Good timing too, turns out it's his birthday tomorrow/now and I'd completely forgotten. D: It was actually lovely just being able to talk to him though, /happiness <3

Why the hell is she always the one in the right? I just want to get away. I need to get away from this.

I don't even want to see your face.

Well, that wasn't predictable at all...

I don't even know you. Seriously, no need for you to try and hit on younger girls online. -____-

Stupidest decision of my life. Never doing that again.

It's okay to be me, right?

'Cause sometimes, a lot of the time these days, being me seems like a bad thing.

I'm not exactly unhappy though... just needed to get my thoughts written down somewhere.

Screw you.

Time to give up on you soon? I think yes.
>.<

'Sif. You're literally saying the exact same things to her... -____- I mean it doesn't affect me anymore, but could you get any more idiotic?

I hate it when you randomly say things like that. It makes things seem weird. We're just friends, and you're just not supposed to say stuff like that. -shudders- I don't know what to think anymore. :S Earlier, I just thought you know, you were being you, making jokes and such, but this is just getting too weird.

Screw everything. I don't want to exist any more,.

I'm so sick of you never replying to me... Yet I still keep thinking too highly of you. >.<

fucisdugydrk

Thanks for reminding me why I never trusted you. >.<

Inspiration

As much as I dislike the way a lot of things are at the moment, nothing can ruin the mood I end up in when I'm painting or reading and listening to good music.

Life may not be the greatest at the moment, but right now I don't care. I feel so inspired by the pure beauty of what can seem to be the most simplest of things, by nature, by others' faith and just the joy I feel when I'm creating/drawing/designing. Everything that's been getting me down just seems to fade when I'm like this.

Why worry about things you can't change, when instead you can make the most of what you have?

Talk about ungrateful.

Yepp, so over you.

I really was losing sight of some of the most important things in my life. Glad I've realised though, and I've already started getting back on track.

Yup, cool. Clearly this is what I wanted. I hate this. >.< Makes me feel so good hearing everyone having fun and all. aofrhsdifoh ds

Ah sfuiohsdigf I wish you didn't exist, or at least were never a part of my life.

It's like you guys don't even remember my existence. Honestly, I wasn't expecting most of you to, but one of you, I definitely didn't expect this from you.

It's cool... Clearly didn't care about you anyway... :S

Sometimes I prefer just not having to socialise with all of you. But even so, I still hate this. /Sigh.

Think I'll just stick with immersing myself in uni homework and work, and forget about everything else.

I can't stand you. >.<

I still kinda miss you... Well, not you specifically... But having someone who could make me that happy and make me feel that way.

shyfsdfh so so so over this.

Sometimes I feel so ugly in comparison to her...

'Like this if you actually want to be in a relationship, not just for the sex.' As if you liked that. zsdgsidh you douche.

I refuse to believe that you're always the one getting screwed over... I don't care about you anymore, but I still feel like I should speak to you again at least once, just ask how you are and all and then leave it at that :S although I definitely would not be able to put up with you complaining how crap your life is again. :/

I don't understand how you can be so bitchy about people behind their backs but then act as if you never said anything about them and as if you have absolutely nothing against them. :S

Cool... Definitely love how you only bother to contact me when you need a favour. >.<

This can apply to so many situations.


'I guess we made it, or at least we made it this far,
And it all looks smooth from here.
Oh in a future day there may be ways but I must say,
The skies have never looked so clear.
And oh, I guess we made it, 'cause it ain't far to go from here'

Relient K <3

I enjoy this.

I don't even understand. It's not even slightly enjoyable spending time with you these days... :S Not that it seems like anyone tries anymore. :/

I just want it to be the holidays already, to have everything all completed and out of the way, so that I'll be able to see all my friends again and I'll have more time to actually help mum out at home as much as possible. I'm so so sick of everything at the moment, and I fail so bad; I haven't even written half of an essay that I have due tomorrow. asidfshiud >.<

Figures. Of course you would say that. But still, 'this is how it will have to be from now on - either them or 'you''. Not really too sure why I keep trying. Friendships shouldn't come with conditions either. I'm sure you'll learn someday that life isn't just going to work the way you expect it to. I hope it's soon.

Ah you still make me angry. You're so stupid. Good thing I don't care about you any more, or this would frustrate me so much more :/

I swear no one makes sense these days.

'Liking sensitive groups to make the bitches think your a top bloke.' 
*you're


Funny, sounds exactly like you... but with no sarcasm whatsoever, cause it seems to be completely true in regards to you, sfigsdbvfuy :S

I don't understand how people can be so horrible. I'm glad he's decided to leave you behind, because you're clearly a waste of time and effort and he definitely didn't deserve you playing with his feelings.

Although you still frustrate me and I think you're a complete douche, I had such an amazingly good day today and thinking about you is not going to ruin how happy I am right now. Uni wasn't too bad and I made a fair amount of progress with my assignment, hung out with my uni friends for a bit and then met up with one of my close friends and ended up hanging out with him for ages. It was so much fun making plans with him, being insane together and I laughed so much I think I almost cried at one point. :')

You would rather be cuddling someone than getting action?? You're such a liar, gah.

>.< Just started listening to a new band who are really good, but in one of their songs, literally every single line reminds me of you, and not in a good way. I actually don't think that I can think of a single good thing about you anymore.

/Drowns thoughts out with loud music.

Wish I was on holiday already... Feels like the next few weeks are going to go by very slowly. :/

Please get out of my head. Thanks.

Yup, you're definitely all as bad as each other. You're all just as immature and just as hypocritical. Maybe think about what you're doing/saying before you decide to tell others what they're doing wrong.

I'm the luckiest person in the world.

For one, I have the most amazing friends ever. I could never ask for any better. <3
Don't know how I would have managed without you three last night, and those who looked after me when I was really upset as well.

Second, although I will never understand you and you can get on my nerves, fairly easily at times, at the moment we're able to talk about stuff and I think I can sort of rely on you, which is really good for a change...

And one other thing, my sister's rather wonderful. :)

Wish I could just go on a holiday right now. A break from everything would be great...

Why are you still talking to me?! D': Leave me alone. asgfyisduf

Argh. So angry and stressed right now. I fail at life. D:

I seriously can't do this. I can't do anything right... I just want to get away from everything...

Yay, feeling lonely again... :/

I should continue... I know it's stupid not to, but I really don't feel like it... Doesn't seem worth it.

I honestly have no idea why I'm actually still talking to you... :S :(

Your life is 'shit?' You only brought that upon yourself.

Actually had a fairly decent day today. Uni went by fairly quickly and was pretty good, besides almost falling asleep in my lecture, I've possibly figured out what's going to happen for my eighteenth and I visited my friend's new house and was able to hang out with him for a while. :)

Thinking about you still upsets me though... but I know you're not worth wasting time on.

What even. You're way more of a douche than I ever thought you were capable of being.

cgxuykvgxdfgdu as if that makes me so miserable. why, why the hell does that still affect me so much? :/

Screw this. I thought I was doing at least a bit better dougfsdhyzfui

Not even sure about anything anymore. I give up.

klfhsdif just wanna curl up in a corner and shut everything out somehow. :/

I have this odd feeling that I still care about you too much. :S

I'm really curious as to whether you feel bad because of what you said to me... Guess I'll never know though. Ah well, I guess it doesn't even matter that much. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, so whether we stay friends or not won't stop me from being happy.

You make absolutely no sense... You're acting as if nothing even happened. :|

Bloody hell. How could I have ever been that stupid?!!? I'm so angry with myself... Why did I ever believe you/that things would work out?

I have no idea what I'm doing...

Wish I knew exactly what to do, step by step.

gfdgsdfuisdyfguy I'm not sure how to feel at the moment... :S At least I'm not so emotional now, and I was able to catch up with a friend today who I hadn't talked to for a while, so that was good. :)

Far out... everything's making me cry tonight. asdfhif

I really want to talk to you again... but I shouldn't... It'll just make things so much harder... :(

agrweuarzfsdyubvf I wish you would just stop.

I hate this... I feel like saying I can't do this, but I know I can and should, no matter how much I dislike it... :(

dfykgsdyufhsdiufysdyugfwerui I have nooo idea what to do.

Wow... You've changed... Fairly quickly too... Can't say I expected that. :S

Every time I start to write a blog post, everything I was planning on saying just kinda disappears beyond my reach... I'm not always entirely sure how to feel any more... There are so many things that make me happy at the moment, and then there are others that just ruin my mood completely. :S

So while maybe one thing seems to be getting worse, at least there are several things looking up now. :)

Fine then, don't care... uidgasyudfasgu

I don't think anyone will realise just how much it means to me that we have talked/are talking again. I never thought that this would ever happen. Time really does do a lot more than I thought it would. :)

Wow. Several of the most important parts of my life just fell perfectly into place. I cannot even express how glad I am of that decision and how things just suddenly melded somehow.

Kay, cool... You're more of an idiot than I ever thought possible. -_____________-

I actually cannot stand you about 70% of the time.

Although I still don't think that I'm attractive or that I'm amazing, I don't actually care that much any more about how I look or what others think of me.

Although I disagree with much of what you say and do at the moment, I do still care about you. Now if only you'd prove to me that there is actually a point to me still caring and wanting to be friends... If only you would make the effort for a change.

Definitely enjoying their company over yours, cause it's always the same stupid stuff with you, over and over again.

I don't actually miss you... I feel like I should... But I'm perfectly happy with how things are at the moment... well mainly. There are a couple of people I wish I could see more often, but overall, friendship wise, things are pretty good right now. :)

Starting at a university with absolutely no one I know has actually been so much better than I expected. As good as I thought it would be, it's been even better. I think I've already made a firm group of friends. There are two mainly who I just get along with amazingly well and we've already been making plans to do several different things. It's been amazing just being able to start fresh in a way. :) I've learnt that I'm nowhere near as shy as I used to be. I've gotten to know so many different people and surprisingly not cared what anyone has thought about me.

Wow. What's felt like the longest, most insane, tiring, wonderful and crazy day ever is almost over. I'm so tired I think I could just fall asleep right now.

So much has happened today... making good friends, meeting up with friends from Adelaide uni, just being insane with my best friend, being in a four car pile up, waiting around for a couple hours as things were sorted out, going to flinders for a check up and being stuck there for another couple of hours, parents having to leave me there, and ending up chilling in hungry jacks with one of my best friends... I was actually going to explain what happened on here, but I'm so tired and there's too much effort involved in trying to explain exactly what happened. No one was injured badly in the pile up though, so that's the main thing. My friend and I both had to be drug/alcohol tested, and somehow even after everything that had happened today, we both still had an amazing day, somehow... Also, the adrenalin after the accident was kinda crazy. :S

Sleep time now me thinks.

So over this.

So much excitement. :D

Looks like everything actually adds up... I love that it's already like we'd never stopped being friends, and everything's great again. :D :D :D I never realised how much I'd actually missed you till yesterday... <3

So happy right now. I'm even actually really excited for my uni course now, although I'm still worried about making friends again and such, but :D! I can't wait! My uni schedule means I can catch up with one of my friends a lot more than I have in ages too. Somehow it's more convenient than at the moment. I only have uni for three days a week also, and a couple of my friends who aren't going to uni yet actually plan on coming to the city just to visit me in my breaks. :D :D :D

On top of that, I get to see the happy meal at least two times every week, I've realised which of my friends really matter the most to me, I practically get to start over at uni cause I know no one, we're talking as much as we used to again, I actually have time to just relax and do the things I enjoy the most, my sister's back from placement finally, and countless other things!

I just can't stop smiling right now.

Untrustworthy.

So apparently one of you just never got messages and the other just didn't check theirs because they were getting tonnes of spam... To be honest, I don't believe either of you, but apparently you both want to catch up with me again, so I guess I'll just go along with it for now... As much as I don't believe either of you, I guess I'll just pretend I do... It makes things easier right? At least I've already confronted you about ignoring me. There's not much more I can do... Being friends again can't hurt anyway, unless the same thing happens again... :/

Happyhappyhappy

...Just sayin'. :D

If that's the kind of person you think I am, then you obviously don't know me at all.

I'm glad that I've started getting to know you better recently. We've known each other for a while but we only randomly started talking more about a week ago and it made me realise what an amazing person I'd been missing out on getting to know properly and I'm really glad that I won't be any longer. :)

Okay seriously, just stop telling me I'm vain... I'm way better than I used to be. I don't worry as much as I used to about looking perfect or whatever. At I least I eat properly these days and try to get in shape by exercising instead of stupid methods. And I don't think that even makes me vain... Being vain means having an extremely high opinion of your worth or looks. I know you don't know quite how bad I used to be, but I know I'm better and I would have thought you'd noticed... I do still worry about how I look at times, but I don't care anywhere near as much and I'm proud of myself for that. Sometimes I even believe that I look half decent. Please just stop.

afhuisdyfsdyu rage and such things.

If you start becoming more like him, I don't know what I'll do... But you promised, so you have to keep your word right?

Turns out you know me better than I thought you did... but at the same time you don't know me as well as I thought... :/

Also, I really hope that you meant what you said... But he's probably right and I shouldn't get my hopes up. That way it won't hurt as much when/if they get crushed. :S :(

Unexpected.

Okay, so I was kinda surprised running into you at the hub today... and also really unsure as to how to react. You acted as if you hadn't ignored me at all, and it was kinda weird that you told me to text you and asked how new zealand was... Three people have already told me not to bother with you because you don't deserve my friendship, and I hate to admit it but given the chance... I think I'd still want to be friends with you again. :/ Which yes, I know is stupid... but we were good friends... and it seems like you don't even realise that you upset me and made me worry about what I might have done wrong... :S Although I guess the first thing I should ask is why you ignored me, then not try to be friends with you again...

On a different note, I haven't really been feeling well at all for the past week or so, and I feel really bad for already bailing on several of my friends... My head's already started hurting again and it just makes me want to curl up on the ground and try to shut everything out... On top of that, I've been alone too much the past few days and I'm already sick of it. It was great at first, but I couldn't even concentrate on reading because it hurt my head too much just thinking about it and so I've had way too much time to think. I know it's stupid and although my life is fairly okay at the moment, I couldn't help but start thinking about everything that's happened in the past year and a half, yet again... All of it, what happened with adam, jayden, jeremy, zowtyj, travis, nathan, sophie... and it wasn't even any of that that made me feel so sad I don't think... I just felt kind of empty and like I was going to start crying uncontrollably any second, but I didn't know why... I was just absolutely terrified that people didn't care about me... that I had no one to talk to... I can only remember feeling that way, to an insane extent, two other times in my life... I mean, it's weird, I know there are several people I can talk to... But what was I even supposed to say? Please reassure me that you care about me? I don't even know what's wrong..? suiofusdhfiusdfosd I'm so stupid sometimes...

...I feel like crying again...

I feel like I should add something happy in here, seeing as all I ever seem to blog about most of the time these days is sad/depressing stuff... :S Today ended up being really good. I was able to hang out with two of my favourite people, who made me laugh almost constantly, and when I didn't feel well, they made sure they looked after me and that I'd be alright. :) Only a few of my favourite people were missing, but I get to see most of them tomorrow night, so at least I have something really exciting to look forward to. :)

I have the most amazing friends. <3

The situation's too similar. Way too similar. Whether that's true or not... It's still all too alike. I don't want the same thing to happen all over again. It's actually freaking me out now... :S

I was terrified that I was losing you... I know I saw you when we went out and hung out at people's places, but we didn't really see each other, or talk. It just felt like forever since we had talked properly and I couldn't, and still can't afford to lose you. I have to say that I'm really relieved that we were able to talk properly today, just us, even if it was only for about twenty minutes. It still meant a lot and now you know that I was terrified of losing you, and it turns out you felt the same about me.

I'm so glad that you're all okay now and that we're good friends again. It tore me apart seeing how badly she treated you and how it affected you so much and the relationships you had with the people around you... I don't even know how to express how thankful I am that you found some one else instead, some one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, and how thankful I am that I have you back again as a best friend. I always love every minute that I get to spend with both of you and him as well. Although... I have to admit that I am slightly worried about her trying to get in touch with you again. She has no right to interfere with your life again. :@

Better and worse.

I was so excited when I found out that you have freedom again, well some sort of freedom anyway. I'm so glad that you're able to stay in contact with the people you trust... :) Although now that something is going right... something else has to get worse. It was so awkward being at your house today with them two and you were with her and you didn't even want to be near us because those two dislike her and the way you are with her... You acted as if we were barely friends... euskhfosdifsdhfgsdhglidfu and cancelled our plans to celebrate with her. I thought I mattered to you... enough so that you wouldn't cancel our plans completely just for her. :(

Enrolling for Uni = sdirfgtdfuihosdf

Ugh. The uni enrolment stuff is screwing with my head. sfidshifugsdgiukhs. I'm definitely looking forward to starting a new chapter of my life though. But still... :/ I just feel too tired and worried to even concentrate on trying to make sense out of a jumble of information. 

On a slightly happier note, he's not as submissive as everyone seems to think he is and is actually better at standing up for himself than a lot of people gave him credit for as well. I'm really glad that he said he's trying to make the effort to hang out with others and get to know people better. :) :) 

Oh and an update on the person I was worried about... She lost her phone which is the only reason she didn't reply to any of my texts, thank goodness. But she did say that she had a lot to tell me, which is definitely worrisome. D: