Bleh.

Gotta love being excited all day for camping... and then just completely crashing at night. Everything seems horrible/worse again, and now I don't think I'm any better. It seems like this will never go away. Every freaking night, it all comes back to me; mostly the same memories, sometimes with other things that are happening again and again. I don't feel prepared for anything... I feel empty and lost again.

Bleh, I miss him already. It was kinda weird without him today. We're not even heaps good friends, but it was odd not talking to you... :/

All the happiness, excitedness, feeling like I matter, everything good... It felt like it all drained out of me in an instant. I don't want to go any more... I'm scared it'll all be worse at nights with everyone around...  It was bad enough at my friend's sleepover the other day... The movie we watched made me cry because it reminded me of my ex and then two of my friends were talking for ages, and half of it reminded me of him, and him and the other one too... :S :/ and I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't let them notice, although it was kinda upsetting that they weren't able to tell although at the same time I was so relieved... It hurt so much though... At the same time though, I really just want to get away from home. All I do is make a mess of everything.  ARGH @:< /Hating self time. Meerrrr, I'm such a loser. >.<

Oh and also, I've realised it's getting even harder to trust any guys... I don't know why. Yet he was really easy to talk to when we were on that camp at the murray. :S I think I could trust him, but not you. The uncertainty is too much...I can't just tell you why I'm upset just cause you said you don't mind listening or hearing about it... It's just... I tried, I really did, but I couldn't, it was like the words in my head all disappeared in a second... 

But wishes generally don't come true...

I wish ...

• people weren't so bitchy. 
• I was beautiful.
• we had chances to actually hang out more than once a week.
• you cared about me more.
• that things work out for you.
• I could get a job.
• I knew exactly who really cares and who doesn't. Some I can easily pick, others I can't...
• you lived closer.
• that for once you would stop being so over dramatic and selfish.
• that I could stay friends with you forever
• I was smart enough.
• I was better at photography and design. If I'm not good enough, I won't get anywhere in the design industry.
• that school wasn't over just yet, kinda...
• camping was sooner.
• that you'd stop bringing up stuff that's happened between me and my friends. It's none of your business. Sorry, but it really isn't. At all. Also, don't bring up stuff and then ignore me completely after I get mad. I've told you countless times not to bring up certain topics.
• we had the chance to be friends again. I think if we had just a little more time, we might have been again. 
• I was some one that people could look up to.
• that I was a better person.
• I knew how to organise doing missionary work and I wish I could do it sooner.
• I was a better friend.
• things were slightly different.
• I was motivated.

Positive outlook? :)

If you really care or miss me like you say you do, you would make the effort to spend time with me... Ah well, it's not like I expected much more, so I've decided that I will just stay positive and not worry about silly things that I can't change, which also means that when I do spend time with you or say hello, I'll just go with it and make the most of it. There's no need for me to get so worked up over you just not caring, because every time before it just made it hurt so much more each time when you let go of me. That's all in the past now though, and hopefully that's where it will stay. Anyway, my attitude of optimism in this case seems to be working well so far. :)

On another note, high school is almost over forever!!! There's only three days left of school, and even though I still have exams later on, I can't wait till Wednesday. No more having to stress about assignments, and reaaaally late nights, for a while anyway. And there are three things I'm really looking forward to at the moment. :D Going to the beach after our Year 12 breakfast on Wednesday, camping at Mount Barker with a group of awesome friends and formal closer to the end of the year, although at the moment that's just because I get to dress up in an effort to look pretty, and well, we're coming home in a party bus. :D :D I don't think I'm really all that excited for the formal itself at the moment... :S