Unexpected.

Okay, so I was kinda surprised running into you at the hub today... and also really unsure as to how to react. You acted as if you hadn't ignored me at all, and it was kinda weird that you told me to text you and asked how new zealand was... Three people have already told me not to bother with you because you don't deserve my friendship, and I hate to admit it but given the chance... I think I'd still want to be friends with you again. :/ Which yes, I know is stupid... but we were good friends... and it seems like you don't even realise that you upset me and made me worry about what I might have done wrong... :S Although I guess the first thing I should ask is why you ignored me, then not try to be friends with you again...

On a different note, I haven't really been feeling well at all for the past week or so, and I feel really bad for already bailing on several of my friends... My head's already started hurting again and it just makes me want to curl up on the ground and try to shut everything out... On top of that, I've been alone too much the past few days and I'm already sick of it. It was great at first, but I couldn't even concentrate on reading because it hurt my head too much just thinking about it and so I've had way too much time to think. I know it's stupid and although my life is fairly okay at the moment, I couldn't help but start thinking about everything that's happened in the past year and a half, yet again... All of it, what happened with adam, jayden, jeremy, zowtyj, travis, nathan, sophie... and it wasn't even any of that that made me feel so sad I don't think... I just felt kind of empty and like I was going to start crying uncontrollably any second, but I didn't know why... I was just absolutely terrified that people didn't care about me... that I had no one to talk to... I can only remember feeling that way, to an insane extent, two other times in my life... I mean, it's weird, I know there are several people I can talk to... But what was I even supposed to say? Please reassure me that you care about me? I don't even know what's wrong..? suiofusdhfiusdfosd I'm so stupid sometimes...

...I feel like crying again...

I feel like I should add something happy in here, seeing as all I ever seem to blog about most of the time these days is sad/depressing stuff... :S Today ended up being really good. I was able to hang out with two of my favourite people, who made me laugh almost constantly, and when I didn't feel well, they made sure they looked after me and that I'd be alright. :) Only a few of my favourite people were missing, but I get to see most of them tomorrow night, so at least I have something really exciting to look forward to. :)

I have the most amazing friends. <3

You're amazing.

Thank you for deciding to cheer me up every night and making sure that I don't end up being upset every time. That means so much. I'm still surprised that you're actually going to do this every night. You even set an alarm on your phone so that you don't forget, and it's already helped a lot, even just the last two nights. It's lovely receiving an encouraging message regularly and knowing that there is someone thinking of me each night and showing how much they care. I love you so much.

Enjoyance.

I don't care if enjoyance is not a word. I am going to use it anyway.

In the past week, I've gotten to know several people better and I have also realised that seeing my ex doesn't upset me any more. Yes, I do still miss you at times, and wish we were still friends, but it doesn't hurt any more. I didn't even feel anything when I briefly said something to you today. You've definitely made an impact in my life, but I can actually look back at the past now and not, well, regret that much, or feel really down. I can actually treasure the memories still and still be okay. I have to say that it feels amazing, especially after over a year of thinking I would never be able to move on almost entirely.

Today was such a good day, although it definitely didn't feel like it was the last day of Year 12. I don't think that it will really sink in that it's all over until after exams... or maybe even later. There are so many things to look forward to as well. 

1. I'll be able to have a social life again, kind of... I want to make sure I study enough so that I do my best in my exams. /Is determined. Positive thinking and such! 
2. I have the Year 12 breakfast tomorrow, along with the slide show, then going down to the beach. :D 
3. Later, I have my friend's black and white birthday party
4. Camping at Mount Barker after exams are all over
5. Valedictory I think?
6. Formal eventually. :) :) :) 
7. Oh and next year, uni. :D

I'm so happy at the moment. :D Even though I still have several assignments which are due tomorrow D:

My favourite pillow ;P

I just thought that I would write a blog about one of my best fwends, because she is so amazing. :D :D :D :D :D Why she's called my favourite pillow, uhh, long story... Don't ask.

I think our dnm has been going for at least an hour now, lol. I've become even closer to her over the past few weeks and I don't know what I would do without her. She understands everything about me and we can talk about pretty much anything. I love knowing with a certainty that she will always be there for me, and she always has been. There are only maybe 6ish people I can completely be myself around, my family not included. My uhh 'favourite pillow' is one of them. XD 

I promise that I will always be here for you, uhm, favourite pillow. :) Also, I will bash any one if they ever hurt you. I love you so much. <3

P.S. We win at life together. End of story.

Fear.

Right now, I'm sitting alone in a cold empty house, and for some reason I'm completely terrified. I've stayed home at night by myself before and mostly been okay... but I just want to be surrounded by people... I want to hear laughter and loud voices... I'm absolutely scared and I don't like this at all... Maybe it's because I read a couple of murder stories and dad isn't home at the moment. I don't know. I should have gone with him. I'm not gonna get homework done anyway, when I'm so freaked out. Damn it, I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's a combination of all the stress due to school work, the lack of sleep, the murder stories, not being able to do much stuff outside of school and how upset I normally I get every night. Although it's normally later at night when I begin to feel sad... I even feel like randomly bursting into tears. Argh, I want my friends.

On a different topic, although I'm still kinda scared :S There are some things I want to say to a few people.

• You absolutely terrify me sometimes and I just want to run away and hide from you.
• Although most of the time we just argue, I honestly love being friends with you. You're a much better person than several people give you credit for.
• This one's directed at two people in particular. I hope you two will always be a part of my life as you are both so amazing.
• You probably won't realise that this one is directed at you, but you don't seem to have much belief in yourself and believe me when I say that you are an amazing person and you shouldn't doubt yourself or your standing with others.

I have to say that writing that calmed me down a little, but I just wish I had at least one friend here with me right now. I'm so freaking stupid. I hate myself at times like this. Shadows and empty houses haven't scared me in a long time. :S I think I misplaced my courage and gained some new fears instead. Oh gosh, I feel like the biggest idiot writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me... 

XS & Maccas Run = Good Night =]

Thanks to two beautiful girls, tonight I was/am so much happier than I have been in a long long time. I haven't been that hyper or felt that carefree in too long to remember and it was so good being able to spend time with just the two of you and ramble on about pretty much anything. Oh and it kinda feels good to be told how much I'm loved and how cute I am just because of all the stupid things I say and just because I'm being myself. :$

Thank you. You guys are amazing. =]

Felt the need to dedicate a blog to Lollipop...

I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt like I needed to tell you how amazing you are... I've told you countless times before... but I guess I still don't think you are told enough. Sometimes I don't see you for just a few mere hours, but I still miss you. You have no idea how much you mean to me. There aren't enough words to explain just how much. You have kept me from falling apart more times than I can count, just by being there for me, by listening to me and letting me know how much you care. I don't think I've told you before, but I actually admire you... You possess qualities that I wish I had and anyone who has you as a friend should count themselves extremely lucky. I love you.

And well I know it's only been a day but I miss you already... <3

The little things can make such a difference.

Thank you for the random email that made my night.

'I just thought you should know that I love you stacks and think that you're rather amazing (:

xo'

Sometimes the smallest things can make everything seem so much brighter... but then again it works the opposite way too. I hate how some people make a massive fuss over stupid problems when they are nothing compared to what some people are going through; physically and mentally. I should really be starting my powerpoint which is due at 12 tonight, but blogging seemed like a much better idea, so I'd thought I'd just do that instead. Definitely a bad decision but oh well, concentrating on school work with my head full of thoughts just doesn't seem to work out for me.

Just seeing you in the library today while I was there for a whole double made me miss you so much more again, oh yay. :( I'll admit I'm starting to miss you a little less but even so, I have so many regrets when it comes to you, although I don't regret being with you in the first place. I was so young and stupid back then and if only I had thought everything through better... I always think that and then I realise that it wasn't even because of that that our friendship ended up being destroyed... Grah, I just always think that I could have done everything better and tried so much harder and made a massive difference... :S I even dreamt about you not that long ago, stupid though. The possibility that we could become friends again and yeah... even go to formal together? Hah, I hate my imagination/dreams.

On a happier note, being able to talk to Lollipop for just a few minutes this evening did make me smile. I love you <3