I can be such a bitch...
You know what makes me dislike myself even more? When I explain to some people why I'm so horrible and undeserving of the family and friends I have, they just say that I'm not. They say that I'm like the nicest person they know and that I probably only get mad easily because of the stress of Year 12... but I know it's not just cause of that. They've never seen me when I've gotten mad and screamed myself hoarse. I need to learn how to control my temper. I always lash out at my family for stupid reasons. Sometimes I don't even know where all the anger comes from, but it's like I can't think of anything else once I feel that way. I just, I don't even know how to explain the feeling. I have to learn how to control my temper and stop acting like/being a stupid dumb bitch.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I was strong enough to control my temper, but once something angers me, I find it so hard to stop yelling, screaming and in general, being a bitch. I don't just wish I was stronger, but I need to be stronger. If I don't become stronger and learn to let go of my anger, I know with a certainty that I am just going to screw everything up so much more.

On a completely different note, I'm considering deleting my blog. I'm just not so sure that it's a good idea for me to write certain things on here and well, I haven't written all my feelings out at times when I felt like it because I'm not too keen on sounding like I constantly complain, and when I get upset, which is most nights, I tend to over think things and probably stretch some out of proportion. :S

I don't deserve you, any of you

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now. I don't want self pity or people telling me that I'm not everything I say I am. I can't even begin to explain how deep my hatred is for myself right at this very moment and how much I don't want to stop digging my nails into the palm of my hand. Just because I feel terrible and hate everything right now, I have no right to be such a bitch to the people who care about me and weren't even trying to irritate me on purpose, at first anyway... :S I feel like... I don't know... Ripping something, maybe myself to shreds... I feel like I deserve to be punished. I was actually just considering not even eating again for a long while after finishing the forty hour famine tomorrow night. I don't deserve any of what I have. Sometimes I don't understand why anyone loves me at all.

Just... don't.

I don't know anything any more... how I manage to mess so many things up, why I can't stop procrastinating, why you don't seem to care about me, why I can't be better, why I just want to curl up in a corner and cry till I can't cry any more... But that would make it the third time today. >.< I don't feel like talking to you, just leave me alone. I feel horrible and sick and my head hurts when I think about how much homework I need to get done yet I can't bring myself to just get it over and done with. I'd even prefer staring at a blank wall... 

I barely do anything and I still manage to do too many things wrong. Damn it. I'm such a bitch. A dumb, whiny bitch. I'm sorry.