If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.

Drones by Rise Against.

This song makes me think of you, both of you... It just started playing and you both popped into my head, merr. :/ I'm almost certain that neither of you think about me at all or care. I probably just don't exist according to you. That line (points to the title) just makes me think... it's what you do even though I never wished you would. If you're happier without me though, I guess that's good...? It doesn't make me feel good or anything but everyone else should always come first anyway right? I feel bad if I think about myself before anyone else, generally... As long as everyone else is happy, I'll go along with things... As much as possible anyway. 

/Sigh. I never thought I would actually get to such a point of procrastination where I actually haven't started an assignment on the night it's due after a four day extension. >.< I should be procrastinating less this year not more. atsgdyufsd was ist das?!?  Ah I guess I'll just be stupid and make notes for now and talk to my teacher tomorrow. D: I'm so stupid, but at the moment I just don't care that much. I just hope it doesn't mean that I fail...

Great, that made me think of the end of year exams. To be completely honest I'm terrified... of change, of ending up with terrible results, never coming back to school again, not seeing my friends almost all the time, doing missionary work, starting university, not being as good as others aspiring to be designers... That's probably one of my greatest fears at the moment. They're all better than me already... I even started teaching myself a program before he did and now he's already so much better than me. It makes me feel so inferior and like I don't have a chance next to him, and probably everyone else...

I can't do anything
I can't do anything without You
But You can do everything
You can do everything You want
I just can't believe
I can't believe that You would love me
After everything
After everything I've done
And I want to love You
Love You more than life itself
And I want to hold You
Even though You can't be held
Because You're so much more
Than everything I've ever known
Anything, anything
I'd give anything
I would give anything to hold You
I want to live for You
For You alone I want to live
When I see Your face
I would do anything to know You
You gave everything
You gave all You have to give

That song kind of made me feel better... but I just found out that I woke my dad up last night because I was screaming in my sleep and that I ruined his sleep. Thanks for making me feel even more guilty, but I didn't do it on purpose... I thought I stopped sleep talking and screaming a while back... I guess I was wrong. At least I don't remember that dream. You make me feel like I'm such a horrible person and like I ruin everything... I'm sorry if I do. I don't mean to be selfish and rude and irritating. I promise I'm trying to be a better person though. I just wish you would believe me when I tell you that I'm trying...

To my mother, to my father

It's your son or it's your daughter

Are my screams loud enough for

You to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere too fast

The silence is what kills me 

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decision

It's kind of odd how the songs that are playing at the moment all seem to be relevant...

I should stop being sad though and appreciate what I have. I mean I do appreciate everything I have, sometimes it's just really hard to show that I do and then you think I don't appreciate you or what you do at all...

Oh and an observation I have made mainly over the past month... People are really stupid. -__- To state the obvious... I mean I've known that for ages, but I never realised before how insanely stupid some people could be, to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode... Also, being shut in a soundproof room by myself today would have been great... Some people drive me insane.

Just to end this blog with something happy, I thought I should mention that I kinda want to get a party bus to formal... Like those old style London double decker buses, but with a dj, karaoke, etc. :) Sounds exciting, and unique, I think, aha. To be honest, I'm not so excited about the actual formal, just the party bus if I get to go in one, and my own dress design being made.