Being yelled at for unintentionally doing something just set me off last night. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a while. Instead of leaving my room to get something like I'd planned, I ended up shutting my door and sliding to the ground. I could so easily have created pain that I could control... It wasn't like I desperately wanted to hurt myself and had no control over it, but it would have felt better right? :/ Sometimes I used hurting myself as a way of stopping myself from saying things when I shouldn't, before I made a situation worse, but I was kind of shocked at how strong the urge to punish myself was last night. I just keep making a mess of things... I was kinda happy and all this evening, until I remembered last night. :S Even with being sick at home yesterday, it wasn't overly bad. I helped mum out quite a bit, watched Naruto, did homework and cleaned a little, so basically things were going well. I was even really proud that I hadn't lost my temper at all and done everything mum had asked me to... And then at night, I just made one little mistake and they were so mad at me. /Sigh. It's not like I intentionally try to ruin people's sleep and do stupid things.
Is she right in saying that I am selfish and vain? She says that I care too much about my looks, I overexercise at times, waste too much time on exercising and that I'm too over the top when it comes to eating healthily... That I don't concentrate enough on helping her, and I only care about myself and my friends... That I don't appreciate her at all. But I do. I'm just not always good at showing my appreciation and how much I care... You know what I hate the most?? When you tell all of us that we won't care when you die... That makes me go insane. Of course we care, don't ever tell me I don't! And don't tell me that you know what I think about everything and that I would choose guys because of their looks... Don't tell me why I'm upset, when in reality you have no idea. You know what else annoys me? When you say that I should never tell any of my friends everything, when you say that they won't always be there for me, that I shouldn't go to them for advice when they know nothing... and tell me that I don't trust you or him. I would trust you if you gave me a reason to... But the times I did decide to trust you and talked to you about certain things, you told him. He doesn't need to know everything. If I want him to know, I'll tell him. How come when I talk to him, he doesn't tell you unless I say it's okay? Argh, why can't you be like that too...?
It feels like you keep dropping me, and there are cracks all over me... If you keep doing this, I'll fall apart eventually. He already did that to me, and now you are? Please... Please stop. I can't last forever.
I almost feel that way again... How did I describe it to Lollipop? Just wanting to let go of everything; emotions, problems, people, school work, you, and leave it all behind... then run and run till I have nothing left, run through the dark until I collapse onto the ground and lie there sobbing full of emptiness.
I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow morning and think how stupid thinking all of this and feeling this way was though... I do that a lot... None of it seems so bad in the early morning.
