I can be such a bitch...
You know what makes me dislike myself even more? When I explain to some people why I'm so horrible and undeserving of the family and friends I have, they just say that I'm not. They say that I'm like the nicest person they know and that I probably only get mad easily because of the stress of Year 12... but I know it's not just cause of that. They've never seen me when I've gotten mad and screamed myself hoarse. I need to learn how to control my temper. I always lash out at my family for stupid reasons. Sometimes I don't even know where all the anger comes from, but it's like I can't think of anything else once I feel that way. I just, I don't even know how to explain the feeling. I have to learn how to control my temper and stop acting like/being a stupid dumb bitch.

My favourite pillow ;P

I just thought that I would write a blog about one of my best fwends, because she is so amazing. :D :D :D :D :D Why she's called my favourite pillow, uhh, long story... Don't ask.

I think our dnm has been going for at least an hour now, lol. I've become even closer to her over the past few weeks and I don't know what I would do without her. She understands everything about me and we can talk about pretty much anything. I love knowing with a certainty that she will always be there for me, and she always has been. There are only maybe 6ish people I can completely be myself around, my family not included. My uhh 'favourite pillow' is one of them. XD 

I promise that I will always be here for you, uhm, favourite pillow. :) Also, I will bash any one if they ever hurt you. I love you so much. <3

P.S. We win at life together. End of story.

Protect me?

I just want someone to protect me from all the bad things in this world... If only that was possible... At least someone to be there with me through everything.

Someone who will...

• always try to make time for me.
• love me unconditionally.
• forgive me no matter how many times I push them away.
• wipe away my tears when I cry.
• try to understand me while no one else does.
• never make me doubt their love for me.
• deal with me in insane moods.
• tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts

So many nights I find myself feeling alone and lost... swept up in a whirlwind of emotions... I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until I have nothing left. Mostly I don't tell anyone though. Everyone has enough to deal with without listening to me complain. I doubt there's anyone who would want to look after me each night these feelings overwhelm me. I know people care, but sometimes it just feels as if I have no one, no one at all.

I guess these are just some of the reasons why I find myself like that at night... 

• I want to do some missionary work next year before going to university and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. It's a massive thing to think about, seeing as I don't even have that much confidence with certain people, but there are so many people who are in need. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to just sit back and enjoy the amount of blessings I have? I want to go out into the world and make a real difference.

• I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past. Several times in the past week and a half my mum has mentioned a family on the news who have an anorexic daughter. Mum told me that I was already part of the way there, that I would destroy my family... She doesn't know that I've already been there and that sometimes I still struggle with eating properly. Whenever I'm sad or angry I find it so hard to eat, I just detest the thought of it even more than I usually do. On top of that, when I'm sad or angry and don't eat, my parents get irritated with me, upsetting me even more, so it's like an ongoing cycle. Also, being told that I could destroy my family definitely does not improve my mood. That's the thing. I know that telling my parents what I have done could make a mess of things and being told that just makes me feel even worse... I thought parents were meant to support their kids if they had problems...  It's not like you can click your fingers and get rid of a disorder though, especially because at times the people who have them don't want to get rid of them. At times I am one of them. I want my disorder to continue. It sounds stupid and terrible. I know it's bad though, which is why I am doing everything to change. Maybe it's because at the time it makes you feel better. I guess it's like it's something that you can control in your life, to begin with anyway. Then it gets out of hand, and it gets increasingly dangerous... It's addictive. There's so much more I could say but I'm only going to say one more thing. It's not worth it so don't even attempt it.

• You made me feel as if I was worth so much even after I said horrible things about you and you decided to forgive me. Now I don't even know if you ever cared. Were you just transferring your feelings for her to me temporarily or did you actually care? And now that you have someone else, I don't mean a thing to you... At least it feels that way. If that's not the way it is, then you're going to have to prove it to me. I miss you, though I probably shouldn't...

• And then there's you. You get to spend so much time with him and yet you complain that someone else tags along with you two. At least you still get to spend time with him! I almost screamed that in your face the other day... He never spends time with me. He doesn't seem to care. I don't even know why I'm so jealous of you. It's not like I like him as more than a friend or anything. But it's like all his attention is focused on you, and her... I'm just that person he used to care about...

• My almost complete lack of confidence and ability to speak to certain people. Why is it so hard? Why do I make it so hard? I really want to be good friends with you, but my fear of rejection and people laughing at me is a bit of an obstacle. I don't think I'm amazing. I don't think I'm beautiful or thin. I don't see why some of my friends love me so much. I'm so stupid and I have made so many mistakes. Why would he want to talk to me at all? I know he doesn't know me really well, but why would he want to get to know me in the first place?

• ^^ See above. Insulting myself all the time. I guess it's just how I see myself. Someday I will be different though. I'll be confident and I'll be happy with myself and who I am. Someday...

There are probably other things bothering me at the moment but those are the main ones. I honestly did not mean to write that much. Wow.