You make me sad. Why can't you just do what you said you would? or maybe you just want me to know that you don't care about catching up any more... :(

Also, she's being horrible to him even though he did nothing, and it's making me feel even sadder. Argh, why are people so stupid and horrible???!?! /Gets angry face on. Merrr :( Oh and now I'm worried that he's getting his hopes up way too high, about her still wanting to be friends aoyrfhsdyugsdfjkh

I miss you... I just miss you... I can't even explain it... I don't know... I guess you were one of them that I felt the most comfortable around... I was never nervous about texting you or wanting to talk to you... I never worried that you might find me annoying or my worries stupid or that you might judge me or anything like that...

-Some form of creative title-

Just a note; when I say you it doesn't always refer to the same person, but changes.

I hate that I didn't even get to say hi to you at formal, because your girlfriend was with you practically every single second. You didn't even come up and hug me like you did at valedictory... I mean she'd probably eat your soul if you did. >.< You didn't even talk to some of your closest friends who were girls. Argh, I dislike your girlfriend greatly, just because I didn't even get a hug or a hi or anything. You ignored me all for her sake. Now you're not even replying to my text, and if you haven't run out of credit it's probably because she'd get mad at you for talking to other girls. :@ I don't think you have any idea how much I miss you...

The guy I really miss, when I saw him at formal and almost started crying, you started trying to reassure me and as much as I love you, I don't think I can understand what was going through your mind when you said at one point "He's ugly, it's okay." That definitely did not make me feel any better. There's no way I could have misheard you either right? What even?! iaurkfhsdkf sdfous >.<

Every time you don't reply to one of my messages or texts for hours, I worry that it's because you've gotten sick of me, that I said something stupid or that you really have begun to find me annoying, and that when you said you could never find me annoying because I'm too awesome, you didn't really mean it. I'm also really worried and I kinda have a bad feeling about this... Having late night texting conversations and making plans together and with others... It's too similar, way too similar to when him and I liked each other and were best friends. I don't like this. I just want everything to go away.

It feels like my brain's going to melt when I start processing all of this, and last night when I was talking to her about everything, I think I realised that he may have been a rebound crush... That all that happened because he liked me and he was there for me; he was someone to fill the empty space, because once he was gone too, I missed him even more than I ever did before... Realising all that kinda freaked me out.

I'm still scared. I'm terrified of putting my trust in you, because it's too similar. I just have this bad feeling that things aren't going to end well. It's way too easy to talk to you though, and I don't like it. sdthudfgdflgjdfogl my brain feels like mush.

I'm going to go try and figure out my feelings, even though I know I'll fail miserably. It just feels like there are a million different emotions swirling around inside of me and it's making me feel sick.

I can't even express just how much I miss having a guy best friend... and I still miss you...

Bleh.

Gotta love being excited all day for camping... and then just completely crashing at night. Everything seems horrible/worse again, and now I don't think I'm any better. It seems like this will never go away. Every freaking night, it all comes back to me; mostly the same memories, sometimes with other things that are happening again and again. I don't feel prepared for anything... I feel empty and lost again.

Bleh, I miss him already. It was kinda weird without him today. We're not even heaps good friends, but it was odd not talking to you... :/

All the happiness, excitedness, feeling like I matter, everything good... It felt like it all drained out of me in an instant. I don't want to go any more... I'm scared it'll all be worse at nights with everyone around...  It was bad enough at my friend's sleepover the other day... The movie we watched made me cry because it reminded me of my ex and then two of my friends were talking for ages, and half of it reminded me of him, and him and the other one too... :S :/ and I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't let them notice, although it was kinda upsetting that they weren't able to tell although at the same time I was so relieved... It hurt so much though... At the same time though, I really just want to get away from home. All I do is make a mess of everything.  ARGH @:< /Hating self time. Meerrrr, I'm such a loser. >.<

Oh and also, I've realised it's getting even harder to trust any guys... I don't know why. Yet he was really easy to talk to when we were on that camp at the murray. :S I think I could trust him, but not you. The uncertainty is too much...I can't just tell you why I'm upset just cause you said you don't mind listening or hearing about it... It's just... I tried, I really did, but I couldn't, it was like the words in my head all disappeared in a second... 

Clueless

There are still two people that I miss more than anything... And I don't know how to change that... I don't know how to completely forget them, or become friends with them again, or even acquaintances. With one of them, the main problem is that I don't think I've forgiven myself completely, yet they have forgiven me... although so many people have told me that I did nothing wrong. I wish I had done everything differently though. /Sigh.

Argh, my friend just told me that I've changed his life, that I showed him what real friends mean and that he didn't have any one before he met me. I mean, I guess that's a good thing, that I've been a good friend to him and all but it just makes me feel guilty because I know I didn't end up being a good friend to her. I didn't even try to talk anything out... just got annoyed at her because of what she was doing and didn't speak to her about it. I just ended up telling her straight out what I and others could see/thought. erat98ogiufgiodjsfs Yay for another upset night... merrr.

Felt the need to dedicate a blog to Lollipop...

I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt like I needed to tell you how amazing you are... I've told you countless times before... but I guess I still don't think you are told enough. Sometimes I don't see you for just a few mere hours, but I still miss you. You have no idea how much you mean to me. There aren't enough words to explain just how much. You have kept me from falling apart more times than I can count, just by being there for me, by listening to me and letting me know how much you care. I don't think I've told you before, but I actually admire you... You possess qualities that I wish I had and anyone who has you as a friend should count themselves extremely lucky. I love you.

And well I know it's only been a day but I miss you already... <3

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.

Drones by Rise Against.

This song makes me think of you, both of you... It just started playing and you both popped into my head, merr. :/ I'm almost certain that neither of you think about me at all or care. I probably just don't exist according to you. That line (points to the title) just makes me think... it's what you do even though I never wished you would. If you're happier without me though, I guess that's good...? It doesn't make me feel good or anything but everyone else should always come first anyway right? I feel bad if I think about myself before anyone else, generally... As long as everyone else is happy, I'll go along with things... As much as possible anyway. 

/Sigh. I never thought I would actually get to such a point of procrastination where I actually haven't started an assignment on the night it's due after a four day extension. >.< I should be procrastinating less this year not more. atsgdyufsd was ist das?!?  Ah I guess I'll just be stupid and make notes for now and talk to my teacher tomorrow. D: I'm so stupid, but at the moment I just don't care that much. I just hope it doesn't mean that I fail...

Great, that made me think of the end of year exams. To be completely honest I'm terrified... of change, of ending up with terrible results, never coming back to school again, not seeing my friends almost all the time, doing missionary work, starting university, not being as good as others aspiring to be designers... That's probably one of my greatest fears at the moment. They're all better than me already... I even started teaching myself a program before he did and now he's already so much better than me. It makes me feel so inferior and like I don't have a chance next to him, and probably everyone else...

I can't do anything
I can't do anything without You
But You can do everything
You can do everything You want
I just can't believe
I can't believe that You would love me
After everything
After everything I've done
And I want to love You
Love You more than life itself
And I want to hold You
Even though You can't be held
Because You're so much more
Than everything I've ever known
Anything, anything
I'd give anything
I would give anything to hold You
I want to live for You
For You alone I want to live
When I see Your face
I would do anything to know You
You gave everything
You gave all You have to give

That song kind of made me feel better... but I just found out that I woke my dad up last night because I was screaming in my sleep and that I ruined his sleep. Thanks for making me feel even more guilty, but I didn't do it on purpose... I thought I stopped sleep talking and screaming a while back... I guess I was wrong. At least I don't remember that dream. You make me feel like I'm such a horrible person and like I ruin everything... I'm sorry if I do. I don't mean to be selfish and rude and irritating. I promise I'm trying to be a better person though. I just wish you would believe me when I tell you that I'm trying...

To my mother, to my father

It's your son or it's your daughter

Are my screams loud enough for

You to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere too fast

The silence is what kills me 

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decision

It's kind of odd how the songs that are playing at the moment all seem to be relevant...

I should stop being sad though and appreciate what I have. I mean I do appreciate everything I have, sometimes it's just really hard to show that I do and then you think I don't appreciate you or what you do at all...

Oh and an observation I have made mainly over the past month... People are really stupid. -__- To state the obvious... I mean I've known that for ages, but I never realised before how insanely stupid some people could be, to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode... Also, being shut in a soundproof room by myself today would have been great... Some people drive me insane.

Just to end this blog with something happy, I thought I should mention that I kinda want to get a party bus to formal... Like those old style London double decker buses, but with a dj, karaoke, etc. :) Sounds exciting, and unique, I think, aha. To be honest, I'm not so excited about the actual formal, just the party bus if I get to go in one, and my own dress design being made.

The little things can make such a difference.

Thank you for the random email that made my night.

'I just thought you should know that I love you stacks and think that you're rather amazing (:

xo'

Sometimes the smallest things can make everything seem so much brighter... but then again it works the opposite way too. I hate how some people make a massive fuss over stupid problems when they are nothing compared to what some people are going through; physically and mentally. I should really be starting my powerpoint which is due at 12 tonight, but blogging seemed like a much better idea, so I'd thought I'd just do that instead. Definitely a bad decision but oh well, concentrating on school work with my head full of thoughts just doesn't seem to work out for me.

Just seeing you in the library today while I was there for a whole double made me miss you so much more again, oh yay. :( I'll admit I'm starting to miss you a little less but even so, I have so many regrets when it comes to you, although I don't regret being with you in the first place. I was so young and stupid back then and if only I had thought everything through better... I always think that and then I realise that it wasn't even because of that that our friendship ended up being destroyed... Grah, I just always think that I could have done everything better and tried so much harder and made a massive difference... :S I even dreamt about you not that long ago, stupid though. The possibility that we could become friends again and yeah... even go to formal together? Hah, I hate my imagination/dreams.

On a happier note, being able to talk to Lollipop for just a few minutes this evening did make me smile. I love you <3

I just remembered...

I started writing this somewhere around the beginning of the year when I randomly had an idea, and never finished it. I hope I think of some way to finish it eventually... I think it's half decent.

[Broken heart]

She waited as his footsteps slowly faded, the only sound her laboured breathing, as she sat shivering in her wreck of a car, her knees pulled close to her chest. She gently traced a love heart in the fog her breath had left behind, slowly moving her finger over the broken glass. It was perfect. A jagged crack ran down the middle, splitting it in two. With a trembling hand she reached out again, running her fingers over it several times. A broken heart in all its beauty. Blood trickled down as the cracks slowly spread outwards from the centre, the pieces all falling instantaneously with a loud crash, or at least it appeared that way.

The car represented her life, the heart in the fog how she felt inside... she took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, curled up amongst the broken glass. It was over; he wasn’t coming back.

[Ray of Hope]

She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the scene around her. She hadn’t planned on this; waking up again, the evidence of what had happened surrounding her. She wasn’t sure why but for some reason, even with the blood and shattered glass plainly there for her to see, not allowing her to forget what had transpired, the light reflecting off the glass took away from her broken shell of a life... Maybe time, time that she had wished would cease, had started healing that shell ever so slightly, creating a ray of hope, minimal but in existence nonetheless.

[New Wounds]

Gently, she moved, her expression a grimace of pain as she attempted to uncurl herself. Shards of glass pierced her skin as she worked ever so carefully to reach a sitting position. No matter how tenderly she moved, she could feel stabbing pains all over her body, new wounds forming and the barely healed ones reopening, somehow deeper than before.

Sitting up was hard enough. No, she didn’t even want to think about the task of extracting herself from this mess just yet.

[Always There]

As she hugged herself, shaking with cold, a few rays of light escaped through the dull, grey clouds to reach out to her, and warmth began to spread through her. She looked up at the sky, tears dripping down her face to mingle with dried dirt and blood. Even with tears blurring her vision, the faint golden rays amongst the miserable clouds could not be missed.

Hope is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder.

Opinions...? :)

Also... I know you will never read this, but to the person who wrote this letter to me when I was really screwed up with the bulimia thing... I miss you a lot and I wish we could be friends again, kinda... :S You were always there for me throughout everything back then...

 Read this

Bulimia is overly homosexual, and it hurts me muchly. It’s a fact that 5-10percent of girls and women do it, so you’re not the only one. However it’s still rather strange and queer. I really want you to stop and I’ll help you no matter what. Anyway i can. Many girls don’t like the way they are, but I don’t see why you don’t like what you see in the mirror, Cos your pretty damn cool and if somebody says otherwise, tell me and they will be hurted ? I rate you highly in my friendshipness, your pretty damn awesome and i love you. Remember what I said on the ferry thing back from KI? It’s true, I’m there for you homie. ? Pull through or Ill have to bash you up xD Also this stuff your throwing out of your mouth tastes yucky, ruins your white pretty little teeth and gives you bad breath. It can also kill or damage you if you do it too much, stomach acids like living in the stomach, thats why they are called stomach acids, not acids of wherever you vomit. Yucky.

Also, did you know Each day Americans spend an average of $109 million on dieting and diet related products. Each day man, thats like $39785 million a year.  You’re probably like, yeah talking shit and making numbers again but its actual true. Research girl ?  Also, 50% of girls 8-10 are unhappy with their size, thats pretty wack, their kids for fark sake. Go play with a Barbie. What your doing is silly because they think its the norm, when its not. Freakshow <33

Be smart

Listen to the wiseman. Peace