>.< I don't know why I have to care so much. I actually trust you but really, you're just letting yourself be completely screwed over and again and again if you're keeping her as the most important person in your life and if you ignore all your other friends when she's talking to you.  sidfgskhdfuisf I would love to punch her in the face so much right now.

-Some form of creative title-

Just a note; when I say you it doesn't always refer to the same person, but changes.

I hate that I didn't even get to say hi to you at formal, because your girlfriend was with you practically every single second. You didn't even come up and hug me like you did at valedictory... I mean she'd probably eat your soul if you did. >.< You didn't even talk to some of your closest friends who were girls. Argh, I dislike your girlfriend greatly, just because I didn't even get a hug or a hi or anything. You ignored me all for her sake. Now you're not even replying to my text, and if you haven't run out of credit it's probably because she'd get mad at you for talking to other girls. :@ I don't think you have any idea how much I miss you...

The guy I really miss, when I saw him at formal and almost started crying, you started trying to reassure me and as much as I love you, I don't think I can understand what was going through your mind when you said at one point "He's ugly, it's okay." That definitely did not make me feel any better. There's no way I could have misheard you either right? What even?! iaurkfhsdkf sdfous >.<

Every time you don't reply to one of my messages or texts for hours, I worry that it's because you've gotten sick of me, that I said something stupid or that you really have begun to find me annoying, and that when you said you could never find me annoying because I'm too awesome, you didn't really mean it. I'm also really worried and I kinda have a bad feeling about this... Having late night texting conversations and making plans together and with others... It's too similar, way too similar to when him and I liked each other and were best friends. I don't like this. I just want everything to go away.

It feels like my brain's going to melt when I start processing all of this, and last night when I was talking to her about everything, I think I realised that he may have been a rebound crush... That all that happened because he liked me and he was there for me; he was someone to fill the empty space, because once he was gone too, I missed him even more than I ever did before... Realising all that kinda freaked me out.

I'm still scared. I'm terrified of putting my trust in you, because it's too similar. I just have this bad feeling that things aren't going to end well. It's way too easy to talk to you though, and I don't like it. sdthudfgdflgjdfogl my brain feels like mush.

I'm going to go try and figure out my feelings, even though I know I'll fail miserably. It just feels like there are a million different emotions swirling around inside of me and it's making me feel sick.

Realisation.

Okay, so I'm just a little bit scared of hanging out with you again. I was terrified of even saying hi to you... on msn. I'm pathetic, and I lied. I'm not just a little bit scared. I'm really scared. :( I hate that no matter how much I want to, I can't seem to completely trust a guy. I mean, I guess there is one I completely trust. It's probably more that I find it really hard to actually tell them everything even if I trust them. I've been thinking about all this a lot lately... and I noticed that every single guy who has said that they will always be there for me in the past and made promises to me went back on their word. And... well, I guess it's just kinda like there's always something stopping me from becoming as close to a guy like I used to be able to... There are three people in particular that I have been so close to, that I didn't think that anything could ever tear us apart, yet so many things did. I don't know how to explain any of this any more, so I'm just gonna leave it now and explain my title for this blog.

The other day I was looking through all my old photos and I found heaps of photos from when I went to India with my family at the end of Year 9. I think that was the year I started thinking that I was too fat and began throwing up or just not eating. My view of myself was so different then to how it is now... Looking back at the pictures, I was actually terrified of how thin I was, and I remember thinking that I just wasn't thin enough yet. I mean, I still don't think I'm thin enough these days, but I don't think I'm fat any more, and I wouldn't try to change that the way I used to, as much as I want to at times. I don't even know how to begin explaining just how much it terrifies me, which may seem stupid, but it's just... I was so close... so close to becoming so much worse.

Ah I can't even finish this blog... meh. There are just a few people I really wanna spend time with at the moment... although I reaaaally want to go back to camp as well. It was from Friday evening till Sunday afternoon at El Shaddai, where we all went for year 8 camp. It's so nice over there. I'm so glad I decided to go, even though the rest of my family didn't. I even talked to new people, which is generally hard for me, and got to know others better. :)

Relapse?

Being yelled at for unintentionally doing something just set me off last night. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a while. Instead of leaving my room to get something like I'd planned, I ended up shutting my door and sliding to the ground. I could so easily have created pain that I could control... It wasn't like I desperately wanted to hurt myself and had no control over it, but it would have felt better right? :/ Sometimes I used hurting myself as a way of stopping myself from saying things when I shouldn't, before I made a situation worse, but I was kind of shocked at how strong the urge to punish myself was last night. I just keep making a mess of things... I was kinda happy and all this evening, until I remembered last night. :S Even with being sick at home yesterday, it wasn't overly bad. I helped mum out quite a bit, watched Naruto, did homework and cleaned a little, so basically things were going well. I was even really proud that I hadn't lost my temper at all and done everything mum had asked me to... And then at night, I just made one little mistake and they were so mad at me. /Sigh. It's not like I intentionally try to ruin people's sleep and do stupid things.

Is she right in saying that I am selfish and vain? She says that I care too much about my looks, I overexercise at times, waste too much time on exercising and that I'm too over the top when it comes to eating healthily... That I don't concentrate enough on helping her, and I only care about myself and my friends... That I don't appreciate her at all. But I do. I'm just not always good at showing my appreciation and how much I care... You know what I hate the most?? When you tell all of us that we won't care when you die... That makes me go insane. Of course we care, don't ever tell me I don't! And don't tell me that you know what I think about everything and that I would choose guys because of their looks... Don't tell me why I'm upset, when in reality you have no idea. You know what else annoys me? When you say that I should never tell any of my friends everything, when you say that they won't always be there for me, that I shouldn't go to them for advice when they know nothing... and tell me that I don't trust you or him. I would trust you if you gave me a reason to... But the times I did decide to trust you and talked to you about certain things, you told him. He doesn't need to know everything. If I want him to know, I'll tell him. How come when I talk to him, he doesn't tell you unless I say it's okay? Argh, why can't you be like that too...?

It feels like you keep dropping me, and there are cracks all over me... If you keep doing this, I'll fall apart eventually. He already did that to me, and now you are? Please... Please stop. I can't last forever.

I almost feel that way again... How did I describe it to Lollipop? Just wanting to let go of everything; emotions, problems, people, school work, you, and leave it all behind... then run and run till I have nothing left, run through the dark until I collapse onto the ground and lie there sobbing full of emptiness.

I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow morning and think how stupid thinking all of this and feeling this way was though... I do that a lot... None of it seems so bad in the early morning.