Unexpected.

Okay, so I was kinda surprised running into you at the hub today... and also really unsure as to how to react. You acted as if you hadn't ignored me at all, and it was kinda weird that you told me to text you and asked how new zealand was... Three people have already told me not to bother with you because you don't deserve my friendship, and I hate to admit it but given the chance... I think I'd still want to be friends with you again. :/ Which yes, I know is stupid... but we were good friends... and it seems like you don't even realise that you upset me and made me worry about what I might have done wrong... :S Although I guess the first thing I should ask is why you ignored me, then not try to be friends with you again...

On a different note, I haven't really been feeling well at all for the past week or so, and I feel really bad for already bailing on several of my friends... My head's already started hurting again and it just makes me want to curl up on the ground and try to shut everything out... On top of that, I've been alone too much the past few days and I'm already sick of it. It was great at first, but I couldn't even concentrate on reading because it hurt my head too much just thinking about it and so I've had way too much time to think. I know it's stupid and although my life is fairly okay at the moment, I couldn't help but start thinking about everything that's happened in the past year and a half, yet again... All of it, what happened with adam, jayden, jeremy, zowtyj, travis, nathan, sophie... and it wasn't even any of that that made me feel so sad I don't think... I just felt kind of empty and like I was going to start crying uncontrollably any second, but I didn't know why... I was just absolutely terrified that people didn't care about me... that I had no one to talk to... I can only remember feeling that way, to an insane extent, two other times in my life... I mean, it's weird, I know there are several people I can talk to... But what was I even supposed to say? Please reassure me that you care about me? I don't even know what's wrong..? suiofusdhfiusdfosd I'm so stupid sometimes...

...I feel like crying again...

I feel like I should add something happy in here, seeing as all I ever seem to blog about most of the time these days is sad/depressing stuff... :S Today ended up being really good. I was able to hang out with two of my favourite people, who made me laugh almost constantly, and when I didn't feel well, they made sure they looked after me and that I'd be alright. :) Only a few of my favourite people were missing, but I get to see most of them tomorrow night, so at least I have something really exciting to look forward to. :)

I have the most amazing friends. <3

I wished I was Anywhere But Here

I thought I was treading water, but I realised that I was wrong. I was steadily sinking, the words and emotions pulling me under. Frantically, I tried to swim back to the surface. I tried to break through; to get a breath of air. My anger began to increase, but at the same time my energy began to drain away and I discovered that I didn't want to fight anymore... I stopped struggling and let myself be dragged further down, towards the dark and gloomy ocean bed. Every so often though, I lashed out at whatever was nearby. However, the only result was my energy draining even faster than before. After some time had passed, time that felt like an eternity, my body landed on the ocean bed with barely a sound. I didn't move; just watched as everything appeared to pass me by.

Relapse?

Being yelled at for unintentionally doing something just set me off last night. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a while. Instead of leaving my room to get something like I'd planned, I ended up shutting my door and sliding to the ground. I could so easily have created pain that I could control... It wasn't like I desperately wanted to hurt myself and had no control over it, but it would have felt better right? :/ Sometimes I used hurting myself as a way of stopping myself from saying things when I shouldn't, before I made a situation worse, but I was kind of shocked at how strong the urge to punish myself was last night. I just keep making a mess of things... I was kinda happy and all this evening, until I remembered last night. :S Even with being sick at home yesterday, it wasn't overly bad. I helped mum out quite a bit, watched Naruto, did homework and cleaned a little, so basically things were going well. I was even really proud that I hadn't lost my temper at all and done everything mum had asked me to... And then at night, I just made one little mistake and they were so mad at me. /Sigh. It's not like I intentionally try to ruin people's sleep and do stupid things.

Is she right in saying that I am selfish and vain? She says that I care too much about my looks, I overexercise at times, waste too much time on exercising and that I'm too over the top when it comes to eating healthily... That I don't concentrate enough on helping her, and I only care about myself and my friends... That I don't appreciate her at all. But I do. I'm just not always good at showing my appreciation and how much I care... You know what I hate the most?? When you tell all of us that we won't care when you die... That makes me go insane. Of course we care, don't ever tell me I don't! And don't tell me that you know what I think about everything and that I would choose guys because of their looks... Don't tell me why I'm upset, when in reality you have no idea. You know what else annoys me? When you say that I should never tell any of my friends everything, when you say that they won't always be there for me, that I shouldn't go to them for advice when they know nothing... and tell me that I don't trust you or him. I would trust you if you gave me a reason to... But the times I did decide to trust you and talked to you about certain things, you told him. He doesn't need to know everything. If I want him to know, I'll tell him. How come when I talk to him, he doesn't tell you unless I say it's okay? Argh, why can't you be like that too...?

It feels like you keep dropping me, and there are cracks all over me... If you keep doing this, I'll fall apart eventually. He already did that to me, and now you are? Please... Please stop. I can't last forever.

I almost feel that way again... How did I describe it to Lollipop? Just wanting to let go of everything; emotions, problems, people, school work, you, and leave it all behind... then run and run till I have nothing left, run through the dark until I collapse onto the ground and lie there sobbing full of emptiness.

I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow morning and think how stupid thinking all of this and feeling this way was though... I do that a lot... None of it seems so bad in the early morning.