I still miss you.

So I decided to keep my blog... Though I doubt many people care/read this, which is probably a good thing in some ways.

Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.

Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.

It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.

I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.

It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.



You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.



I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.


I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'

Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.

And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.

Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.

Caught in a whirlwind of contradicting emotions

Uhm, I just thought I should upload this quick sketch I did the other night. It's really bad, but well it was basically just a combination of my feelings and thoughts at the time and sometimes I find it easier to express my emotions by drawing. The picture doesn't exactly represent what I believe to be true, but mainly what it feels/has felt like to me recently. If you can't tell, uhh, the squigglyish lines on the smaller character's face are supposed to be cracks and he/she feels like they are falling apart, while the character who is monster sized in comparison is holding his/her broken heart and doesn't think that anyone else is good enough and if they ever said that they loved them or anything positive about them, well sorry but those were lies through and through.

I did it again... I did one little thing, which wasn't even going to cause any damage like he seemed to think it would, and he overreacted. He got over it in like 2 seconds, but damn, why do I have to take every little thing so personally?? Every stupid little mistake I make haunts me for ages after. I thought I had built up a wall of resistance to the hurtful things people say and do... I mean, I guess I have. It's just that the bad things or even the jokes somehow penetrate the barrier anyway, it's like it's not even there. They don't affect me so much, but they affect me so much more. I don't even know how to explain this... It kind of makes sense in my head, but now I just sound like a complete and utter idiot. Is it possible to have become immune to something but at the same time it also causes more pain? It's like I don't absorb it so much but it pierces me to the very core still. Argh, I barely know what I'm trying to say... But I suppose if I had to summarise all of this, it would go a little like this. I take a lot of things that are done or said personally and use them to try and prove to the world that I'm not a good person like so many people seem to think. For example, being told that I always screw things up. She had no reason to lie... It feels like I'm running and running but going nowhere yet again, though I've been running even faster and harder... It's taken so much more effort and I can feel it; it's draining my energy. Then I look down, and realise that I haven't even moved a millimetre.

I can't take this any more, and I shouldn't even be complaining. I'm so much better off than so many other people out there. My problems are nowhere near close to being any of the worst in the world. This is meant to be for expressing my feelings though so I guess it's okay...

While I'm on the topic of contradicting feelings, I should mention those that are really strong these days. I hate everything and I really want space and a break from most people and things, but at the same time I want to be surrounded by people who I know care, and dance along the path of life happily. /Confusedface.

Ah I better stop now. Time to get my psychology proposal over and done with. ^^'

XS & Maccas Run = Good Night =]

Thanks to two beautiful girls, tonight I was/am so much happier than I have been in a long long time. I haven't been that hyper or felt that carefree in too long to remember and it was so good being able to spend time with just the two of you and ramble on about pretty much anything. Oh and it kinda feels good to be told how much I'm loved and how cute I am just because of all the stupid things I say and just because I'm being myself. :$

Thank you. You guys are amazing. =]

I wish I had superpowers...

Actually, no... I'd rather just be magic. :)

• First, I would fix certain friendships
• Open his eyes to what he's blind to
• Fast forward to the end of Year 12
• Improve my design skills
• Make sure that she will be happy
• Get both of them to talk to me again
• Maybe make him care about me again
• Build my self confidence
• Stop all the fights and arguments
• Make a difference in someone's life
• Have enough money to help people in need
• Make myself better again... I can't even go to school when I want to :(

Wow, farmer wants a wife... >.< What a stupid show... Trying to set up a 'happily ever after'. I don't understand shows like that. It seems so stupid and pointless... Might just be because I'm sick and sort of merr aofsdifdh but it just makes me kinda annoyed. :S

I hope I can be back at school tomorrow. I really wanted to go this morning, but I sounded like an old man or something... :/ That can't be normal. Not entirely sure if feeling like everything is tilting or like I'm about to fall over randomly is normal either... :S I don't know... I just want to be better again, so I can see people and not fall behind with school work.

Oh, and Lollipop, what I forgot to mention in my last blog is that you've helped make me the person I am today. Thank you. :)

Uhm okay... I don't think I will ever understand you. Any one want to volunteer to protect me? /Sigh. If only I could shield myself from feelings sometimes... like right now. Ugh.