I just remembered...

I started writing this somewhere around the beginning of the year when I randomly had an idea, and never finished it. I hope I think of some way to finish it eventually... I think it's half decent.

[Broken heart]

She waited as his footsteps slowly faded, the only sound her laboured breathing, as she sat shivering in her wreck of a car, her knees pulled close to her chest. She gently traced a love heart in the fog her breath had left behind, slowly moving her finger over the broken glass. It was perfect. A jagged crack ran down the middle, splitting it in two. With a trembling hand she reached out again, running her fingers over it several times. A broken heart in all its beauty. Blood trickled down as the cracks slowly spread outwards from the centre, the pieces all falling instantaneously with a loud crash, or at least it appeared that way.

The car represented her life, the heart in the fog how she felt inside... she took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, curled up amongst the broken glass. It was over; he wasn’t coming back.

[Ray of Hope]

She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the scene around her. She hadn’t planned on this; waking up again, the evidence of what had happened surrounding her. She wasn’t sure why but for some reason, even with the blood and shattered glass plainly there for her to see, not allowing her to forget what had transpired, the light reflecting off the glass took away from her broken shell of a life... Maybe time, time that she had wished would cease, had started healing that shell ever so slightly, creating a ray of hope, minimal but in existence nonetheless.

[New Wounds]

Gently, she moved, her expression a grimace of pain as she attempted to uncurl herself. Shards of glass pierced her skin as she worked ever so carefully to reach a sitting position. No matter how tenderly she moved, she could feel stabbing pains all over her body, new wounds forming and the barely healed ones reopening, somehow deeper than before.

Sitting up was hard enough. No, she didn’t even want to think about the task of extracting herself from this mess just yet.

[Always There]

As she hugged herself, shaking with cold, a few rays of light escaped through the dull, grey clouds to reach out to her, and warmth began to spread through her. She looked up at the sky, tears dripping down her face to mingle with dried dirt and blood. Even with tears blurring her vision, the faint golden rays amongst the miserable clouds could not be missed.

Hope is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder.

Opinions...? :)

Also... I know you will never read this, but to the person who wrote this letter to me when I was really screwed up with the bulimia thing... I miss you a lot and I wish we could be friends again, kinda... :S You were always there for me throughout everything back then...

 Read this

Bulimia is overly homosexual, and it hurts me muchly. It’s a fact that 5-10percent of girls and women do it, so you’re not the only one. However it’s still rather strange and queer. I really want you to stop and I’ll help you no matter what. Anyway i can. Many girls don’t like the way they are, but I don’t see why you don’t like what you see in the mirror, Cos your pretty damn cool and if somebody says otherwise, tell me and they will be hurted ? I rate you highly in my friendshipness, your pretty damn awesome and i love you. Remember what I said on the ferry thing back from KI? It’s true, I’m there for you homie. ? Pull through or Ill have to bash you up xD Also this stuff your throwing out of your mouth tastes yucky, ruins your white pretty little teeth and gives you bad breath. It can also kill or damage you if you do it too much, stomach acids like living in the stomach, thats why they are called stomach acids, not acids of wherever you vomit. Yucky.

Also, did you know Each day Americans spend an average of $109 million on dieting and diet related products. Each day man, thats like $39785 million a year.  You’re probably like, yeah talking shit and making numbers again but its actual true. Research girl ?  Also, 50% of girls 8-10 are unhappy with their size, thats pretty wack, their kids for fark sake. Go play with a Barbie. What your doing is silly because they think its the norm, when its not. Freakshow <33

Be smart

Listen to the wiseman. Peace

Protect me?

I just want someone to protect me from all the bad things in this world... If only that was possible... At least someone to be there with me through everything.

Someone who will...

• always try to make time for me.
• love me unconditionally.
• forgive me no matter how many times I push them away.
• wipe away my tears when I cry.
• try to understand me while no one else does.
• never make me doubt their love for me.
• deal with me in insane moods.
• tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts

So many nights I find myself feeling alone and lost... swept up in a whirlwind of emotions... I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until I have nothing left. Mostly I don't tell anyone though. Everyone has enough to deal with without listening to me complain. I doubt there's anyone who would want to look after me each night these feelings overwhelm me. I know people care, but sometimes it just feels as if I have no one, no one at all.

I guess these are just some of the reasons why I find myself like that at night... 

• I want to do some missionary work next year before going to university and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. It's a massive thing to think about, seeing as I don't even have that much confidence with certain people, but there are so many people who are in need. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to just sit back and enjoy the amount of blessings I have? I want to go out into the world and make a real difference.

• I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past. Several times in the past week and a half my mum has mentioned a family on the news who have an anorexic daughter. Mum told me that I was already part of the way there, that I would destroy my family... She doesn't know that I've already been there and that sometimes I still struggle with eating properly. Whenever I'm sad or angry I find it so hard to eat, I just detest the thought of it even more than I usually do. On top of that, when I'm sad or angry and don't eat, my parents get irritated with me, upsetting me even more, so it's like an ongoing cycle. Also, being told that I could destroy my family definitely does not improve my mood. That's the thing. I know that telling my parents what I have done could make a mess of things and being told that just makes me feel even worse... I thought parents were meant to support their kids if they had problems...  It's not like you can click your fingers and get rid of a disorder though, especially because at times the people who have them don't want to get rid of them. At times I am one of them. I want my disorder to continue. It sounds stupid and terrible. I know it's bad though, which is why I am doing everything to change. Maybe it's because at the time it makes you feel better. I guess it's like it's something that you can control in your life, to begin with anyway. Then it gets out of hand, and it gets increasingly dangerous... It's addictive. There's so much more I could say but I'm only going to say one more thing. It's not worth it so don't even attempt it.

• You made me feel as if I was worth so much even after I said horrible things about you and you decided to forgive me. Now I don't even know if you ever cared. Were you just transferring your feelings for her to me temporarily or did you actually care? And now that you have someone else, I don't mean a thing to you... At least it feels that way. If that's not the way it is, then you're going to have to prove it to me. I miss you, though I probably shouldn't...

• And then there's you. You get to spend so much time with him and yet you complain that someone else tags along with you two. At least you still get to spend time with him! I almost screamed that in your face the other day... He never spends time with me. He doesn't seem to care. I don't even know why I'm so jealous of you. It's not like I like him as more than a friend or anything. But it's like all his attention is focused on you, and her... I'm just that person he used to care about...

• My almost complete lack of confidence and ability to speak to certain people. Why is it so hard? Why do I make it so hard? I really want to be good friends with you, but my fear of rejection and people laughing at me is a bit of an obstacle. I don't think I'm amazing. I don't think I'm beautiful or thin. I don't see why some of my friends love me so much. I'm so stupid and I have made so many mistakes. Why would he want to talk to me at all? I know he doesn't know me really well, but why would he want to get to know me in the first place?

• ^^ See above. Insulting myself all the time. I guess it's just how I see myself. Someday I will be different though. I'll be confident and I'll be happy with myself and who I am. Someday...

There are probably other things bothering me at the moment but those are the main ones. I honestly did not mean to write that much. Wow.