I still miss you.

So I decided to keep my blog... Though I doubt many people care/read this, which is probably a good thing in some ways.

Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.

Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.

It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.

I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.

It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.



You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.



I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.


I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'

Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.

And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.

Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.

Hmm...

I don't even know where to begin with listing what I do wrong and what's wrong with me... but she's told me several times that I'm the most selfish person she's ever met. Gotta love how she's always good at improving my days. >.< Although in a way I can kind of understand where she's coming from, because I can be really forgetful and say that I'll help out by doing something and forget two seconds later, but I swear I don't do it on purpose. She also said that I spend so much time on myself and my friends, yet I won't make time for other things, which I guess is true... Instead of procrastinating and all, I could help her out instead. I honestly am really and truly sorry. One thing that's stupid though is when you tell me that you only make assumptions because I tell you nothing, which although partly the truth is not entirely. I've tried to explain some things to you before, but you basically act as if you never heard any of it and keep making assumptions...

But, Youth Opps training stuff... I have to own the problem! XD

So today I decided that I am going to change and do my best to stop procrastinating; maybe do housework instead as a form of procrastination, hah. :/ stick to the one day of socialising a week I had decided on, plan when I am going to do homework for each subject and so on. Speaking of which, it's about time I actually continued my classics essay.

/Decides to send stars to everyone, instead of black holes =P

Just... don't.

I don't know anything any more... how I manage to mess so many things up, why I can't stop procrastinating, why you don't seem to care about me, why I can't be better, why I just want to curl up in a corner and cry till I can't cry any more... But that would make it the third time today. >.< I don't feel like talking to you, just leave me alone. I feel horrible and sick and my head hurts when I think about how much homework I need to get done yet I can't bring myself to just get it over and done with. I'd even prefer staring at a blank wall... 

I barely do anything and I still manage to do too many things wrong. Damn it. I'm such a bitch. A dumb, whiny bitch. I'm sorry.

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.

Drones by Rise Against.

This song makes me think of you, both of you... It just started playing and you both popped into my head, merr. :/ I'm almost certain that neither of you think about me at all or care. I probably just don't exist according to you. That line (points to the title) just makes me think... it's what you do even though I never wished you would. If you're happier without me though, I guess that's good...? It doesn't make me feel good or anything but everyone else should always come first anyway right? I feel bad if I think about myself before anyone else, generally... As long as everyone else is happy, I'll go along with things... As much as possible anyway. 

/Sigh. I never thought I would actually get to such a point of procrastination where I actually haven't started an assignment on the night it's due after a four day extension. >.< I should be procrastinating less this year not more. atsgdyufsd was ist das?!?  Ah I guess I'll just be stupid and make notes for now and talk to my teacher tomorrow. D: I'm so stupid, but at the moment I just don't care that much. I just hope it doesn't mean that I fail...

Great, that made me think of the end of year exams. To be completely honest I'm terrified... of change, of ending up with terrible results, never coming back to school again, not seeing my friends almost all the time, doing missionary work, starting university, not being as good as others aspiring to be designers... That's probably one of my greatest fears at the moment. They're all better than me already... I even started teaching myself a program before he did and now he's already so much better than me. It makes me feel so inferior and like I don't have a chance next to him, and probably everyone else...

I can't do anything
I can't do anything without You
But You can do everything
You can do everything You want
I just can't believe
I can't believe that You would love me
After everything
After everything I've done
And I want to love You
Love You more than life itself
And I want to hold You
Even though You can't be held
Because You're so much more
Than everything I've ever known
Anything, anything
I'd give anything
I would give anything to hold You
I want to live for You
For You alone I want to live
When I see Your face
I would do anything to know You
You gave everything
You gave all You have to give

That song kind of made me feel better... but I just found out that I woke my dad up last night because I was screaming in my sleep and that I ruined his sleep. Thanks for making me feel even more guilty, but I didn't do it on purpose... I thought I stopped sleep talking and screaming a while back... I guess I was wrong. At least I don't remember that dream. You make me feel like I'm such a horrible person and like I ruin everything... I'm sorry if I do. I don't mean to be selfish and rude and irritating. I promise I'm trying to be a better person though. I just wish you would believe me when I tell you that I'm trying...

To my mother, to my father

It's your son or it's your daughter

Are my screams loud enough for

You to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere too fast

The silence is what kills me 

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decision

It's kind of odd how the songs that are playing at the moment all seem to be relevant...

I should stop being sad though and appreciate what I have. I mean I do appreciate everything I have, sometimes it's just really hard to show that I do and then you think I don't appreciate you or what you do at all...

Oh and an observation I have made mainly over the past month... People are really stupid. -__- To state the obvious... I mean I've known that for ages, but I never realised before how insanely stupid some people could be, to the point where my brain feels like it's going to explode... Also, being shut in a soundproof room by myself today would have been great... Some people drive me insane.

Just to end this blog with something happy, I thought I should mention that I kinda want to get a party bus to formal... Like those old style London double decker buses, but with a dj, karaoke, etc. :) Sounds exciting, and unique, I think, aha. To be honest, I'm not so excited about the actual formal, just the party bus if I get to go in one, and my own dress design being made.

The little things can make such a difference.

Thank you for the random email that made my night.

'I just thought you should know that I love you stacks and think that you're rather amazing (:

xo'

Sometimes the smallest things can make everything seem so much brighter... but then again it works the opposite way too. I hate how some people make a massive fuss over stupid problems when they are nothing compared to what some people are going through; physically and mentally. I should really be starting my powerpoint which is due at 12 tonight, but blogging seemed like a much better idea, so I'd thought I'd just do that instead. Definitely a bad decision but oh well, concentrating on school work with my head full of thoughts just doesn't seem to work out for me.

Just seeing you in the library today while I was there for a whole double made me miss you so much more again, oh yay. :( I'll admit I'm starting to miss you a little less but even so, I have so many regrets when it comes to you, although I don't regret being with you in the first place. I was so young and stupid back then and if only I had thought everything through better... I always think that and then I realise that it wasn't even because of that that our friendship ended up being destroyed... Grah, I just always think that I could have done everything better and tried so much harder and made a massive difference... :S I even dreamt about you not that long ago, stupid though. The possibility that we could become friends again and yeah... even go to formal together? Hah, I hate my imagination/dreams.

On a happier note, being able to talk to Lollipop for just a few minutes this evening did make me smile. I love you <3