You make me sad. Why can't you just do what you said you would? or maybe you just want me to know that you don't care about catching up any more... :(

Also, she's being horrible to him even though he did nothing, and it's making me feel even sadder. Argh, why are people so stupid and horrible???!?! /Gets angry face on. Merrr :( Oh and now I'm worried that he's getting his hopes up way too high, about her still wanting to be friends aoyrfhsdyugsdfjkh

I miss you... I just miss you... I can't even explain it... I don't know... I guess you were one of them that I felt the most comfortable around... I was never nervous about texting you or wanting to talk to you... I never worried that you might find me annoying or my worries stupid or that you might judge me or anything like that...

-Some form of creative title-

Just a note; when I say you it doesn't always refer to the same person, but changes.

I hate that I didn't even get to say hi to you at formal, because your girlfriend was with you practically every single second. You didn't even come up and hug me like you did at valedictory... I mean she'd probably eat your soul if you did. >.< You didn't even talk to some of your closest friends who were girls. Argh, I dislike your girlfriend greatly, just because I didn't even get a hug or a hi or anything. You ignored me all for her sake. Now you're not even replying to my text, and if you haven't run out of credit it's probably because she'd get mad at you for talking to other girls. :@ I don't think you have any idea how much I miss you...

The guy I really miss, when I saw him at formal and almost started crying, you started trying to reassure me and as much as I love you, I don't think I can understand what was going through your mind when you said at one point "He's ugly, it's okay." That definitely did not make me feel any better. There's no way I could have misheard you either right? What even?! iaurkfhsdkf sdfous >.<

Every time you don't reply to one of my messages or texts for hours, I worry that it's because you've gotten sick of me, that I said something stupid or that you really have begun to find me annoying, and that when you said you could never find me annoying because I'm too awesome, you didn't really mean it. I'm also really worried and I kinda have a bad feeling about this... Having late night texting conversations and making plans together and with others... It's too similar, way too similar to when him and I liked each other and were best friends. I don't like this. I just want everything to go away.

It feels like my brain's going to melt when I start processing all of this, and last night when I was talking to her about everything, I think I realised that he may have been a rebound crush... That all that happened because he liked me and he was there for me; he was someone to fill the empty space, because once he was gone too, I missed him even more than I ever did before... Realising all that kinda freaked me out.

I'm still scared. I'm terrified of putting my trust in you, because it's too similar. I just have this bad feeling that things aren't going to end well. It's way too easy to talk to you though, and I don't like it. sdthudfgdflgjdfogl my brain feels like mush.

I'm going to go try and figure out my feelings, even though I know I'll fail miserably. It just feels like there are a million different emotions swirling around inside of me and it's making me feel sick.

Today's been decent so far... Yes, there were a couple of fights like usual, but I didn't make a big deal out of something stupid or get fired up easily at all... But now I just feel like a rag doll being tossed about in an ocean while there is a storm raging. I feel little, lost and alone once more. I feel like I'm just going to fall apart again, any second. I want to be surrounded by my friends again. It made me feel happier.

I still don't feel like I'll ever be close to a guy again... I don't understand you either. You seem to get mad or upset with me just because I say that I might not talk to you till the next time I actually see you, like at valedictory tomorrow evening. Is it such a big deal that I might not want to bother going on facebook for a few days? It's not like you don't have other friends that you can talk to when you're not talking to me. You don't NEED to talk to me constantly or anything. What they said has kinda been playing on my mind... I don't know if you made some stuff up and if you did, making me think that I made you hurt yourself, that's... that's just too much. Gah, I don't understand people. :S

Bleh.

Gotta love being excited all day for camping... and then just completely crashing at night. Everything seems horrible/worse again, and now I don't think I'm any better. It seems like this will never go away. Every freaking night, it all comes back to me; mostly the same memories, sometimes with other things that are happening again and again. I don't feel prepared for anything... I feel empty and lost again.

Bleh, I miss him already. It was kinda weird without him today. We're not even heaps good friends, but it was odd not talking to you... :/

All the happiness, excitedness, feeling like I matter, everything good... It felt like it all drained out of me in an instant. I don't want to go any more... I'm scared it'll all be worse at nights with everyone around...  It was bad enough at my friend's sleepover the other day... The movie we watched made me cry because it reminded me of my ex and then two of my friends were talking for ages, and half of it reminded me of him, and him and the other one too... :S :/ and I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't let them notice, although it was kinda upsetting that they weren't able to tell although at the same time I was so relieved... It hurt so much though... At the same time though, I really just want to get away from home. All I do is make a mess of everything.  ARGH @:< /Hating self time. Meerrrr, I'm such a loser. >.<

Oh and also, I've realised it's getting even harder to trust any guys... I don't know why. Yet he was really easy to talk to when we were on that camp at the murray. :S I think I could trust him, but not you. The uncertainty is too much...I can't just tell you why I'm upset just cause you said you don't mind listening or hearing about it... It's just... I tried, I really did, but I couldn't, it was like the words in my head all disappeared in a second... 

I can be such a bitch...
You know what makes me dislike myself even more? When I explain to some people why I'm so horrible and undeserving of the family and friends I have, they just say that I'm not. They say that I'm like the nicest person they know and that I probably only get mad easily because of the stress of Year 12... but I know it's not just cause of that. They've never seen me when I've gotten mad and screamed myself hoarse. I need to learn how to control my temper. I always lash out at my family for stupid reasons. Sometimes I don't even know where all the anger comes from, but it's like I can't think of anything else once I feel that way. I just, I don't even know how to explain the feeling. I have to learn how to control my temper and stop acting like/being a stupid dumb bitch.

But wishes generally don't come true...

I wish ...

• people weren't so bitchy. 
• I was beautiful.
• we had chances to actually hang out more than once a week.
• you cared about me more.
• that things work out for you.
• I could get a job.
• I knew exactly who really cares and who doesn't. Some I can easily pick, others I can't...
• you lived closer.
• that for once you would stop being so over dramatic and selfish.
• that I could stay friends with you forever
• I was smart enough.
• I was better at photography and design. If I'm not good enough, I won't get anywhere in the design industry.
• that school wasn't over just yet, kinda...
• camping was sooner.
• that you'd stop bringing up stuff that's happened between me and my friends. It's none of your business. Sorry, but it really isn't. At all. Also, don't bring up stuff and then ignore me completely after I get mad. I've told you countless times not to bring up certain topics.
• we had the chance to be friends again. I think if we had just a little more time, we might have been again. 
• I was some one that people could look up to.
• that I was a better person.
• I knew how to organise doing missionary work and I wish I could do it sooner.
• I was a better friend.
• things were slightly different.
• I was motivated.

I don't understand... All I mentioned was that I had to return something to her, and you start going on about what I could have said/done that's so bad that she doesn't want to be friends with me any more, and you expect me to stay calm when you always say stuff like that? Just shut up, you don't know anything. I still miss her... Just not as much any more, because I know she no longer cares.

On a completely different note, yesterday ended up being a reaaaallly good day. :D Although I didn't say goodbye properly to a few people I wanted to, I got to hang out with people I don't normally spend much time with, was insanely happy for a while, relearnt how to play Halo XD and just generally had a great time. :)

Enjoyance.

I don't care if enjoyance is not a word. I am going to use it anyway.

In the past week, I've gotten to know several people better and I have also realised that seeing my ex doesn't upset me any more. Yes, I do still miss you at times, and wish we were still friends, but it doesn't hurt any more. I didn't even feel anything when I briefly said something to you today. You've definitely made an impact in my life, but I can actually look back at the past now and not, well, regret that much, or feel really down. I can actually treasure the memories still and still be okay. I have to say that it feels amazing, especially after over a year of thinking I would never be able to move on almost entirely.

Today was such a good day, although it definitely didn't feel like it was the last day of Year 12. I don't think that it will really sink in that it's all over until after exams... or maybe even later. There are so many things to look forward to as well. 

1. I'll be able to have a social life again, kind of... I want to make sure I study enough so that I do my best in my exams. /Is determined. Positive thinking and such! 
2. I have the Year 12 breakfast tomorrow, along with the slide show, then going down to the beach. :D 
3. Later, I have my friend's black and white birthday party
4. Camping at Mount Barker after exams are all over
5. Valedictory I think?
6. Formal eventually. :) :) :) 
7. Oh and next year, uni. :D

I'm so happy at the moment. :D Even though I still have several assignments which are due tomorrow D:

Positive outlook? :)

If you really care or miss me like you say you do, you would make the effort to spend time with me... Ah well, it's not like I expected much more, so I've decided that I will just stay positive and not worry about silly things that I can't change, which also means that when I do spend time with you or say hello, I'll just go with it and make the most of it. There's no need for me to get so worked up over you just not caring, because every time before it just made it hurt so much more each time when you let go of me. That's all in the past now though, and hopefully that's where it will stay. Anyway, my attitude of optimism in this case seems to be working well so far. :)

On another note, high school is almost over forever!!! There's only three days left of school, and even though I still have exams later on, I can't wait till Wednesday. No more having to stress about assignments, and reaaaally late nights, for a while anyway. And there are three things I'm really looking forward to at the moment. :D Going to the beach after our Year 12 breakfast on Wednesday, camping at Mount Barker with a group of awesome friends and formal closer to the end of the year, although at the moment that's just because I get to dress up in an effort to look pretty, and well, we're coming home in a party bus. :D :D I don't think I'm really all that excited for the formal itself at the moment... :S

Clueless

There are still two people that I miss more than anything... And I don't know how to change that... I don't know how to completely forget them, or become friends with them again, or even acquaintances. With one of them, the main problem is that I don't think I've forgiven myself completely, yet they have forgiven me... although so many people have told me that I did nothing wrong. I wish I had done everything differently though. /Sigh.

Argh, my friend just told me that I've changed his life, that I showed him what real friends mean and that he didn't have any one before he met me. I mean, I guess that's a good thing, that I've been a good friend to him and all but it just makes me feel guilty because I know I didn't end up being a good friend to her. I didn't even try to talk anything out... just got annoyed at her because of what she was doing and didn't speak to her about it. I just ended up telling her straight out what I and others could see/thought. erat98ogiufgiodjsfs Yay for another upset night... merrr.

Realisation.

Okay, so I'm just a little bit scared of hanging out with you again. I was terrified of even saying hi to you... on msn. I'm pathetic, and I lied. I'm not just a little bit scared. I'm really scared. :( I hate that no matter how much I want to, I can't seem to completely trust a guy. I mean, I guess there is one I completely trust. It's probably more that I find it really hard to actually tell them everything even if I trust them. I've been thinking about all this a lot lately... and I noticed that every single guy who has said that they will always be there for me in the past and made promises to me went back on their word. And... well, I guess it's just kinda like there's always something stopping me from becoming as close to a guy like I used to be able to... There are three people in particular that I have been so close to, that I didn't think that anything could ever tear us apart, yet so many things did. I don't know how to explain any of this any more, so I'm just gonna leave it now and explain my title for this blog.

The other day I was looking through all my old photos and I found heaps of photos from when I went to India with my family at the end of Year 9. I think that was the year I started thinking that I was too fat and began throwing up or just not eating. My view of myself was so different then to how it is now... Looking back at the pictures, I was actually terrified of how thin I was, and I remember thinking that I just wasn't thin enough yet. I mean, I still don't think I'm thin enough these days, but I don't think I'm fat any more, and I wouldn't try to change that the way I used to, as much as I want to at times. I don't even know how to begin explaining just how much it terrifies me, which may seem stupid, but it's just... I was so close... so close to becoming so much worse.

Ah I can't even finish this blog... meh. There are just a few people I really wanna spend time with at the moment... although I reaaaally want to go back to camp as well. It was from Friday evening till Sunday afternoon at El Shaddai, where we all went for year 8 camp. It's so nice over there. I'm so glad I decided to go, even though the rest of my family didn't. I even talked to new people, which is generally hard for me, and got to know others better. :)

I still miss you.

So I decided to keep my blog... Though I doubt many people care/read this, which is probably a good thing in some ways.

Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.

Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.

It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.

I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.

It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.



You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.



I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.


I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'

Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.

And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.

Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.

Hmm...

I don't even know where to begin with listing what I do wrong and what's wrong with me... but she's told me several times that I'm the most selfish person she's ever met. Gotta love how she's always good at improving my days. >.< Although in a way I can kind of understand where she's coming from, because I can be really forgetful and say that I'll help out by doing something and forget two seconds later, but I swear I don't do it on purpose. She also said that I spend so much time on myself and my friends, yet I won't make time for other things, which I guess is true... Instead of procrastinating and all, I could help her out instead. I honestly am really and truly sorry. One thing that's stupid though is when you tell me that you only make assumptions because I tell you nothing, which although partly the truth is not entirely. I've tried to explain some things to you before, but you basically act as if you never heard any of it and keep making assumptions...

But, Youth Opps training stuff... I have to own the problem! XD

So today I decided that I am going to change and do my best to stop procrastinating; maybe do housework instead as a form of procrastination, hah. :/ stick to the one day of socialising a week I had decided on, plan when I am going to do homework for each subject and so on. Speaking of which, it's about time I actually continued my classics essay.

/Decides to send stars to everyone, instead of black holes =P

Fear.

Right now, I'm sitting alone in a cold empty house, and for some reason I'm completely terrified. I've stayed home at night by myself before and mostly been okay... but I just want to be surrounded by people... I want to hear laughter and loud voices... I'm absolutely scared and I don't like this at all... Maybe it's because I read a couple of murder stories and dad isn't home at the moment. I don't know. I should have gone with him. I'm not gonna get homework done anyway, when I'm so freaked out. Damn it, I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's a combination of all the stress due to school work, the lack of sleep, the murder stories, not being able to do much stuff outside of school and how upset I normally I get every night. Although it's normally later at night when I begin to feel sad... I even feel like randomly bursting into tears. Argh, I want my friends.

On a different topic, although I'm still kinda scared :S There are some things I want to say to a few people.

• You absolutely terrify me sometimes and I just want to run away and hide from you.
• Although most of the time we just argue, I honestly love being friends with you. You're a much better person than several people give you credit for.
• This one's directed at two people in particular. I hope you two will always be a part of my life as you are both so amazing.
• You probably won't realise that this one is directed at you, but you don't seem to have much belief in yourself and believe me when I say that you are an amazing person and you shouldn't doubt yourself or your standing with others.

I have to say that writing that calmed me down a little, but I just wish I had at least one friend here with me right now. I'm so freaking stupid. I hate myself at times like this. Shadows and empty houses haven't scared me in a long time. :S I think I misplaced my courage and gained some new fears instead. Oh gosh, I feel like the biggest idiot writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me... 

XS & Maccas Run = Good Night =]

Thanks to two beautiful girls, tonight I was/am so much happier than I have been in a long long time. I haven't been that hyper or felt that carefree in too long to remember and it was so good being able to spend time with just the two of you and ramble on about pretty much anything. Oh and it kinda feels good to be told how much I'm loved and how cute I am just because of all the stupid things I say and just because I'm being myself. :$

Thank you. You guys are amazing. =]

I just remembered...

I started writing this somewhere around the beginning of the year when I randomly had an idea, and never finished it. I hope I think of some way to finish it eventually... I think it's half decent.

[Broken heart]

She waited as his footsteps slowly faded, the only sound her laboured breathing, as she sat shivering in her wreck of a car, her knees pulled close to her chest. She gently traced a love heart in the fog her breath had left behind, slowly moving her finger over the broken glass. It was perfect. A jagged crack ran down the middle, splitting it in two. With a trembling hand she reached out again, running her fingers over it several times. A broken heart in all its beauty. Blood trickled down as the cracks slowly spread outwards from the centre, the pieces all falling instantaneously with a loud crash, or at least it appeared that way.

The car represented her life, the heart in the fog how she felt inside... she took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, curled up amongst the broken glass. It was over; he wasn’t coming back.

[Ray of Hope]

She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the scene around her. She hadn’t planned on this; waking up again, the evidence of what had happened surrounding her. She wasn’t sure why but for some reason, even with the blood and shattered glass plainly there for her to see, not allowing her to forget what had transpired, the light reflecting off the glass took away from her broken shell of a life... Maybe time, time that she had wished would cease, had started healing that shell ever so slightly, creating a ray of hope, minimal but in existence nonetheless.

[New Wounds]

Gently, she moved, her expression a grimace of pain as she attempted to uncurl herself. Shards of glass pierced her skin as she worked ever so carefully to reach a sitting position. No matter how tenderly she moved, she could feel stabbing pains all over her body, new wounds forming and the barely healed ones reopening, somehow deeper than before.

Sitting up was hard enough. No, she didn’t even want to think about the task of extracting herself from this mess just yet.

[Always There]

As she hugged herself, shaking with cold, a few rays of light escaped through the dull, grey clouds to reach out to her, and warmth began to spread through her. She looked up at the sky, tears dripping down her face to mingle with dried dirt and blood. Even with tears blurring her vision, the faint golden rays amongst the miserable clouds could not be missed.

Hope is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder.

Opinions...? :)

Also... I know you will never read this, but to the person who wrote this letter to me when I was really screwed up with the bulimia thing... I miss you a lot and I wish we could be friends again, kinda... :S You were always there for me throughout everything back then...

 Read this

Bulimia is overly homosexual, and it hurts me muchly. It’s a fact that 5-10percent of girls and women do it, so you’re not the only one. However it’s still rather strange and queer. I really want you to stop and I’ll help you no matter what. Anyway i can. Many girls don’t like the way they are, but I don’t see why you don’t like what you see in the mirror, Cos your pretty damn cool and if somebody says otherwise, tell me and they will be hurted ? I rate you highly in my friendshipness, your pretty damn awesome and i love you. Remember what I said on the ferry thing back from KI? It’s true, I’m there for you homie. ? Pull through or Ill have to bash you up xD Also this stuff your throwing out of your mouth tastes yucky, ruins your white pretty little teeth and gives you bad breath. It can also kill or damage you if you do it too much, stomach acids like living in the stomach, thats why they are called stomach acids, not acids of wherever you vomit. Yucky.

Also, did you know Each day Americans spend an average of $109 million on dieting and diet related products. Each day man, thats like $39785 million a year.  You’re probably like, yeah talking shit and making numbers again but its actual true. Research girl ?  Also, 50% of girls 8-10 are unhappy with their size, thats pretty wack, their kids for fark sake. Go play with a Barbie. What your doing is silly because they think its the norm, when its not. Freakshow <33

Be smart

Listen to the wiseman. Peace

Protect me?

I just want someone to protect me from all the bad things in this world... If only that was possible... At least someone to be there with me through everything.

Someone who will...

• always try to make time for me.
• love me unconditionally.
• forgive me no matter how many times I push them away.
• wipe away my tears when I cry.
• try to understand me while no one else does.
• never make me doubt their love for me.
• deal with me in insane moods.
• tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts

So many nights I find myself feeling alone and lost... swept up in a whirlwind of emotions... I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until I have nothing left. Mostly I don't tell anyone though. Everyone has enough to deal with without listening to me complain. I doubt there's anyone who would want to look after me each night these feelings overwhelm me. I know people care, but sometimes it just feels as if I have no one, no one at all.

I guess these are just some of the reasons why I find myself like that at night... 

• I want to do some missionary work next year before going to university and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, etc. It's a massive thing to think about, seeing as I don't even have that much confidence with certain people, but there are so many people who are in need. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to just sit back and enjoy the amount of blessings I have? I want to go out into the world and make a real difference.

• I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past. Several times in the past week and a half my mum has mentioned a family on the news who have an anorexic daughter. Mum told me that I was already part of the way there, that I would destroy my family... She doesn't know that I've already been there and that sometimes I still struggle with eating properly. Whenever I'm sad or angry I find it so hard to eat, I just detest the thought of it even more than I usually do. On top of that, when I'm sad or angry and don't eat, my parents get irritated with me, upsetting me even more, so it's like an ongoing cycle. Also, being told that I could destroy my family definitely does not improve my mood. That's the thing. I know that telling my parents what I have done could make a mess of things and being told that just makes me feel even worse... I thought parents were meant to support their kids if they had problems...  It's not like you can click your fingers and get rid of a disorder though, especially because at times the people who have them don't want to get rid of them. At times I am one of them. I want my disorder to continue. It sounds stupid and terrible. I know it's bad though, which is why I am doing everything to change. Maybe it's because at the time it makes you feel better. I guess it's like it's something that you can control in your life, to begin with anyway. Then it gets out of hand, and it gets increasingly dangerous... It's addictive. There's so much more I could say but I'm only going to say one more thing. It's not worth it so don't even attempt it.

• You made me feel as if I was worth so much even after I said horrible things about you and you decided to forgive me. Now I don't even know if you ever cared. Were you just transferring your feelings for her to me temporarily or did you actually care? And now that you have someone else, I don't mean a thing to you... At least it feels that way. If that's not the way it is, then you're going to have to prove it to me. I miss you, though I probably shouldn't...

• And then there's you. You get to spend so much time with him and yet you complain that someone else tags along with you two. At least you still get to spend time with him! I almost screamed that in your face the other day... He never spends time with me. He doesn't seem to care. I don't even know why I'm so jealous of you. It's not like I like him as more than a friend or anything. But it's like all his attention is focused on you, and her... I'm just that person he used to care about...

• My almost complete lack of confidence and ability to speak to certain people. Why is it so hard? Why do I make it so hard? I really want to be good friends with you, but my fear of rejection and people laughing at me is a bit of an obstacle. I don't think I'm amazing. I don't think I'm beautiful or thin. I don't see why some of my friends love me so much. I'm so stupid and I have made so many mistakes. Why would he want to talk to me at all? I know he doesn't know me really well, but why would he want to get to know me in the first place?

• ^^ See above. Insulting myself all the time. I guess it's just how I see myself. Someday I will be different though. I'll be confident and I'll be happy with myself and who I am. Someday...

There are probably other things bothering me at the moment but those are the main ones. I honestly did not mean to write that much. Wow.