Bleh.

Gotta love being excited all day for camping... and then just completely crashing at night. Everything seems horrible/worse again, and now I don't think I'm any better. It seems like this will never go away. Every freaking night, it all comes back to me; mostly the same memories, sometimes with other things that are happening again and again. I don't feel prepared for anything... I feel empty and lost again.

Bleh, I miss him already. It was kinda weird without him today. We're not even heaps good friends, but it was odd not talking to you... :/

All the happiness, excitedness, feeling like I matter, everything good... It felt like it all drained out of me in an instant. I don't want to go any more... I'm scared it'll all be worse at nights with everyone around...  It was bad enough at my friend's sleepover the other day... The movie we watched made me cry because it reminded me of my ex and then two of my friends were talking for ages, and half of it reminded me of him, and him and the other one too... :S :/ and I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't let them notice, although it was kinda upsetting that they weren't able to tell although at the same time I was so relieved... It hurt so much though... At the same time though, I really just want to get away from home. All I do is make a mess of everything.  ARGH @:< /Hating self time. Meerrrr, I'm such a loser. >.<

Oh and also, I've realised it's getting even harder to trust any guys... I don't know why. Yet he was really easy to talk to when we were on that camp at the murray. :S I think I could trust him, but not you. The uncertainty is too much...I can't just tell you why I'm upset just cause you said you don't mind listening or hearing about it... It's just... I tried, I really did, but I couldn't, it was like the words in my head all disappeared in a second...