Okay, so I was kinda surprised running into you at the hub today... and also really unsure as to how to react. You acted as if you hadn't ignored me at all, and it was kinda weird that you told me to text you and asked how new zealand was... Three people have already told me not to bother with you because you don't deserve my friendship, and I hate to admit it but given the chance... I think I'd still want to be friends with you again. :/ Which yes, I know is stupid... but we were good friends... and it seems like you don't even realise that you upset me and made me worry about what I might have done wrong... :S Although I guess the first thing I should ask is why you ignored me, then not try to be friends with you again...
On a different note, I haven't really been feeling well at all for the past week or so, and I feel really bad for already bailing on several of my friends... My head's already started hurting again and it just makes me want to curl up on the ground and try to shut everything out... On top of that, I've been alone too much the past few days and I'm already sick of it. It was great at first, but I couldn't even concentrate on reading because it hurt my head too much just thinking about it and so I've had way too much time to think. I know it's stupid and although my life is fairly okay at the moment, I couldn't help but start thinking about everything that's happened in the past year and a half, yet again... All of it, what happened with adam, jayden, jeremy, zowtyj, travis, nathan, sophie... and it wasn't even any of that that made me feel so sad I don't think... I just felt kind of empty and like I was going to start crying uncontrollably any second, but I didn't know why... I was just absolutely terrified that people didn't care about me... that I had no one to talk to... I can only remember feeling that way, to an insane extent, two other times in my life... I mean, it's weird, I know there are several people I can talk to... But what was I even supposed to say? Please reassure me that you care about me? I don't even know what's wrong..? suiofusdhfiusdfosd I'm so stupid sometimes...
...I feel like crying again...
I feel like I should add something happy in here, seeing as all I ever seem to blog about most of the time these days is sad/depressing stuff... :S Today ended up being really good. I was able to hang out with two of my favourite people, who made me laugh almost constantly, and when I didn't feel well, they made sure they looked after me and that I'd be alright. :) Only a few of my favourite people were missing, but I get to see most of them tomorrow night, so at least I have something really exciting to look forward to. :)
I have the most amazing friends. <3
Showing posts with label reminiscing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reminiscing. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I still miss you.
So I decided to keep my blog... Though I doubt many people care/read this, which is probably a good thing in some ways.
Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.
Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.
It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.
I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.
It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.
You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.
I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.
I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'
Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.
And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.
Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.
Uhm... Today I was hanging out with my friend in my double free, as I wasn't feeling very motivated among other reasons. I had been in the library at first; I'd decided to actually get work done because I couldn't afford to procrastinate. As I walked in and sat down, I noticed you sitting at a table and yet again I got that funny feeling and I began to wonder about the possibilities... If we became friends again... If we even talked a little... But no, I know there's no point thinking it.
Sometimes I feel like the stupidest person in the world. When people break up, most of them seem to get over each other after a while. But then there's me... I know how stupid it sounds, but I still love you, the you I knew. I still think I was in love with you... even if it was just a little bit. Even though I don't fully understand what being in love means.
It's been almost two years since I broke up with you, and a year since we stopped talking. Again, to most people that will probably sound stupid... Why did I break up with someone that I think I was in love with? I wish I could say that I don't know... That I just had a stupid reason and people convinced me to go ahead with breaking up with him, which they did, but it wasn't them alone. I wish I didn't care any more. For me, my first reason made complete sense to me, and for that, I hated myself. I was terrified of hurting him, and hated myself more for that, than how I knew I would feel. My feelings meant nothing to me, in comparison to his. If I went into my first reason in detail, it would take far too long to explain, but to write it as simply as possible, I guess I could just say that even though 'opposites attract' as people say, our beliefs were so different that one of us would end up dragging the other down. And then there's my second reason. The really stupid one. The one that I didn't even tell him till the day after I broke with him. I told him that the other reason was that I didn't love myself. I barely cared for myself. I was struggling with an eating disorder and I couldn't be in a relationship when I was like that. Sometimes I think that maybe I just emphasised that more than I should have. Like I was making excuses so it didn't seem like I was breaking up with him because of what he probably thought was a terrible first reason.
I doubt anyone even really wants to read all this. I know I should move on. I know I need to. I've been told that countless times, yet somehow I can't bring myself to, or I don't want to. I'm not even sure. I wish I could understand myself better.
It kind of sucks that right now I only have one good guy friend that I trust... I miss having my group of guy friends, the ones I could almost always lean on, and if one wasn't there, another would be.
You tried to grab my hand as I fell, to stop me from hurting myself, but I deliberately let my hand slip from your grasp as I toppled to the ground. Then, as you tried to pick me up, I angrily pushed you away, hating myself for it, but desperately hoping for them to come to my rescue instead. After some time had passed though, it gradually became colder and then darkness fell. I curled up on the ground, shivering, hugging my knees to my chest. A chill shot through me as I realised that I had to admit to myself what I had never wanted to. They were never going to come. Even so, I thought, maybe I should wait... It's worth it if there's even the slightest chance... right? But when I told you that, you said I was wrong. That I had to stop looking back at the past, and move on. Somehow though, I just can't bring myself to, not entirely.
I know you're right though. Everyone does. Me, most of all.
I had something else to say... But I just lost my train of thought... Damn it. And I'm 99% certain it was important. But then again, so is that pile of homework waiting for me. ^^'
Oh, but just quickly, I want to say that I am so extremely thankful for those friends I do have and I love all of you, so, so much.
And also, I just signed onto msn a few minutes ago, for the first time in ages. I pretty much hate facebook and msn and all that but anyway, my friend started talking to me and he just said that he is proud just being my friend. I don't know why, but somehow due to my upset mood and reminiscing about old friends and so on, it made me feel like crying. It made me happy, but... I don't know... It just made me want to cry.
Maybe I'll be able to untangle my feelings some day... I can only hope.