-Some form of creative title-

Just a note; when I say you it doesn't always refer to the same person, but changes.

I hate that I didn't even get to say hi to you at formal, because your girlfriend was with you practically every single second. You didn't even come up and hug me like you did at valedictory... I mean she'd probably eat your soul if you did. >.< You didn't even talk to some of your closest friends who were girls. Argh, I dislike your girlfriend greatly, just because I didn't even get a hug or a hi or anything. You ignored me all for her sake. Now you're not even replying to my text, and if you haven't run out of credit it's probably because she'd get mad at you for talking to other girls. :@ I don't think you have any idea how much I miss you...

The guy I really miss, when I saw him at formal and almost started crying, you started trying to reassure me and as much as I love you, I don't think I can understand what was going through your mind when you said at one point "He's ugly, it's okay." That definitely did not make me feel any better. There's no way I could have misheard you either right? What even?! iaurkfhsdkf sdfous >.<

Every time you don't reply to one of my messages or texts for hours, I worry that it's because you've gotten sick of me, that I said something stupid or that you really have begun to find me annoying, and that when you said you could never find me annoying because I'm too awesome, you didn't really mean it. I'm also really worried and I kinda have a bad feeling about this... Having late night texting conversations and making plans together and with others... It's too similar, way too similar to when him and I liked each other and were best friends. I don't like this. I just want everything to go away.

It feels like my brain's going to melt when I start processing all of this, and last night when I was talking to her about everything, I think I realised that he may have been a rebound crush... That all that happened because he liked me and he was there for me; he was someone to fill the empty space, because once he was gone too, I missed him even more than I ever did before... Realising all that kinda freaked me out.

I'm still scared. I'm terrified of putting my trust in you, because it's too similar. I just have this bad feeling that things aren't going to end well. It's way too easy to talk to you though, and I don't like it. sdthudfgdflgjdfogl my brain feels like mush.

I'm going to go try and figure out my feelings, even though I know I'll fail miserably. It just feels like there are a million different emotions swirling around inside of me and it's making me feel sick.

This is insane. I woke up this morning and was like everything seems so much better in the morning... but you're all depressed again. I've noticed that as much as I encourage and tell you not to focus on all the negative things, your mood just drags me down, a lot further than I ever expected. I can't not be affected by your feelings because I care about you so much and I have to say that I definitely prefer you venting than keeping everything bottled up inside, although I prefer not to talk to any one, because I personally don't want to drag any one else down, but I prefer you dragging me down if it helps you. In all seriousness though, when I talk to you these days, when I listen to how negative you are, it's like waves of sadness just continually sweep through me. I can't just not be there for you... I have to help you somehow. I understand though, I really do. I understand the feeling of wanting that one person who will always love you no matter what, who will always be there for you and not judge you, who will always be there to listen to you, to try and make you feel better, someone who will be by your side for life.

I wished I was Anywhere But Here

I thought I was treading water, but I realised that I was wrong. I was steadily sinking, the words and emotions pulling me under. Frantically, I tried to swim back to the surface. I tried to break through; to get a breath of air. My anger began to increase, but at the same time my energy began to drain away and I discovered that I didn't want to fight anymore... I stopped struggling and let myself be dragged further down, towards the dark and gloomy ocean bed. Every so often though, I lashed out at whatever was nearby. However, the only result was my energy draining even faster than before. After some time had passed, time that felt like an eternity, my body landed on the ocean bed with barely a sound. I didn't move; just watched as everything appeared to pass me by.

I wish I had superpowers...

Actually, no... I'd rather just be magic. :)

• First, I would fix certain friendships
• Open his eyes to what he's blind to
• Fast forward to the end of Year 12
• Improve my design skills
• Make sure that she will be happy
• Get both of them to talk to me again
• Maybe make him care about me again
• Build my self confidence
• Stop all the fights and arguments
• Make a difference in someone's life
• Have enough money to help people in need
• Make myself better again... I can't even go to school when I want to :(

Wow, farmer wants a wife... >.< What a stupid show... Trying to set up a 'happily ever after'. I don't understand shows like that. It seems so stupid and pointless... Might just be because I'm sick and sort of merr aofsdifdh but it just makes me kinda annoyed. :S

I hope I can be back at school tomorrow. I really wanted to go this morning, but I sounded like an old man or something... :/ That can't be normal. Not entirely sure if feeling like everything is tilting or like I'm about to fall over randomly is normal either... :S I don't know... I just want to be better again, so I can see people and not fall behind with school work.

Oh, and Lollipop, what I forgot to mention in my last blog is that you've helped make me the person I am today. Thank you. :)

Uhm okay... I don't think I will ever understand you. Any one want to volunteer to protect me? /Sigh. If only I could shield myself from feelings sometimes... like right now. Ugh.