Caught in a whirlwind of contradicting emotions

Uhm, I just thought I should upload this quick sketch I did the other night. It's really bad, but well it was basically just a combination of my feelings and thoughts at the time and sometimes I find it easier to express my emotions by drawing. The picture doesn't exactly represent what I believe to be true, but mainly what it feels/has felt like to me recently. If you can't tell, uhh, the squigglyish lines on the smaller character's face are supposed to be cracks and he/she feels like they are falling apart, while the character who is monster sized in comparison is holding his/her broken heart and doesn't think that anyone else is good enough and if they ever said that they loved them or anything positive about them, well sorry but those were lies through and through.

I did it again... I did one little thing, which wasn't even going to cause any damage like he seemed to think it would, and he overreacted. He got over it in like 2 seconds, but damn, why do I have to take every little thing so personally?? Every stupid little mistake I make haunts me for ages after. I thought I had built up a wall of resistance to the hurtful things people say and do... I mean, I guess I have. It's just that the bad things or even the jokes somehow penetrate the barrier anyway, it's like it's not even there. They don't affect me so much, but they affect me so much more. I don't even know how to explain this... It kind of makes sense in my head, but now I just sound like a complete and utter idiot. Is it possible to have become immune to something but at the same time it also causes more pain? It's like I don't absorb it so much but it pierces me to the very core still. Argh, I barely know what I'm trying to say... But I suppose if I had to summarise all of this, it would go a little like this. I take a lot of things that are done or said personally and use them to try and prove to the world that I'm not a good person like so many people seem to think. For example, being told that I always screw things up. She had no reason to lie... It feels like I'm running and running but going nowhere yet again, though I've been running even faster and harder... It's taken so much more effort and I can feel it; it's draining my energy. Then I look down, and realise that I haven't even moved a millimetre.

I can't take this any more, and I shouldn't even be complaining. I'm so much better off than so many other people out there. My problems are nowhere near close to being any of the worst in the world. This is meant to be for expressing my feelings though so I guess it's okay...

While I'm on the topic of contradicting feelings, I should mention those that are really strong these days. I hate everything and I really want space and a break from most people and things, but at the same time I want to be surrounded by people who I know care, and dance along the path of life happily. /Confusedface.

Ah I better stop now. Time to get my psychology proposal over and done with. ^^'

I don't deserve you, any of you

I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now. I don't want self pity or people telling me that I'm not everything I say I am. I can't even begin to explain how deep my hatred is for myself right at this very moment and how much I don't want to stop digging my nails into the palm of my hand. Just because I feel terrible and hate everything right now, I have no right to be such a bitch to the people who care about me and weren't even trying to irritate me on purpose, at first anyway... :S I feel like... I don't know... Ripping something, maybe myself to shreds... I feel like I deserve to be punished. I was actually just considering not even eating again for a long while after finishing the forty hour famine tomorrow night. I don't deserve any of what I have. Sometimes I don't understand why anyone loves me at all.

I can't do this

I so badly want to tear my nails into my skin right now... Deep enough so that I bleed, like the last time. But no, I promised I would never do that again. And I shouldn't. It does nothing in the end... I'd just end up with more scars. It's been a while now anyway, and I know it's terrible. It's a stupid, idiotic thing to do. I sound insane. What's wrong with me?? I won't... I won't let myself do something so stupid again, no matter how much I want to.

Damn it. I wish I could hide certain posts because I don't want people to know and I don't want to upset some of them... But I needed to write this somewhere... It's better than actually following through.

Just... don't.

I don't know anything any more... how I manage to mess so many things up, why I can't stop procrastinating, why you don't seem to care about me, why I can't be better, why I just want to curl up in a corner and cry till I can't cry any more... But that would make it the third time today. >.< I don't feel like talking to you, just leave me alone. I feel horrible and sick and my head hurts when I think about how much homework I need to get done yet I can't bring myself to just get it over and done with. I'd even prefer staring at a blank wall... 

I barely do anything and I still manage to do too many things wrong. Damn it. I'm such a bitch. A dumb, whiny bitch. I'm sorry.

Relapse?

Being yelled at for unintentionally doing something just set me off last night. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a while. Instead of leaving my room to get something like I'd planned, I ended up shutting my door and sliding to the ground. I could so easily have created pain that I could control... It wasn't like I desperately wanted to hurt myself and had no control over it, but it would have felt better right? :/ Sometimes I used hurting myself as a way of stopping myself from saying things when I shouldn't, before I made a situation worse, but I was kind of shocked at how strong the urge to punish myself was last night. I just keep making a mess of things... I was kinda happy and all this evening, until I remembered last night. :S Even with being sick at home yesterday, it wasn't overly bad. I helped mum out quite a bit, watched Naruto, did homework and cleaned a little, so basically things were going well. I was even really proud that I hadn't lost my temper at all and done everything mum had asked me to... And then at night, I just made one little mistake and they were so mad at me. /Sigh. It's not like I intentionally try to ruin people's sleep and do stupid things.

Is she right in saying that I am selfish and vain? She says that I care too much about my looks, I overexercise at times, waste too much time on exercising and that I'm too over the top when it comes to eating healthily... That I don't concentrate enough on helping her, and I only care about myself and my friends... That I don't appreciate her at all. But I do. I'm just not always good at showing my appreciation and how much I care... You know what I hate the most?? When you tell all of us that we won't care when you die... That makes me go insane. Of course we care, don't ever tell me I don't! And don't tell me that you know what I think about everything and that I would choose guys because of their looks... Don't tell me why I'm upset, when in reality you have no idea. You know what else annoys me? When you say that I should never tell any of my friends everything, when you say that they won't always be there for me, that I shouldn't go to them for advice when they know nothing... and tell me that I don't trust you or him. I would trust you if you gave me a reason to... But the times I did decide to trust you and talked to you about certain things, you told him. He doesn't need to know everything. If I want him to know, I'll tell him. How come when I talk to him, he doesn't tell you unless I say it's okay? Argh, why can't you be like that too...?

It feels like you keep dropping me, and there are cracks all over me... If you keep doing this, I'll fall apart eventually. He already did that to me, and now you are? Please... Please stop. I can't last forever.

I almost feel that way again... How did I describe it to Lollipop? Just wanting to let go of everything; emotions, problems, people, school work, you, and leave it all behind... then run and run till I have nothing left, run through the dark until I collapse onto the ground and lie there sobbing full of emptiness.

I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow morning and think how stupid thinking all of this and feeling this way was though... I do that a lot... None of it seems so bad in the early morning.

I guess I should start off by explaining my blog title.

Be Yourself by Audioslave.

One of my favourite songs, probably more because of the meaning behind it rather than the music. No one can do any more than trying to be themselves. I know that not every one knows exactly who they are or how they can be themselves and I am one of them. I am searching constantly... Every little thing builds me up into the person I am or will be eventually. Although along the way there are many things that tear me down as well, they make me who I am, as I continue in my journey towards being myself.

Someone falls to pieces
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave
Yeah... 

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Hey...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Yeah..
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Hey...
Be yourself is all that you can do

even when you've paid enough
been put upon or been held up
with every single memory of
the good or bad, faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
i'm sure everything will end up alright
you may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeah...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Ohhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Ohhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can dooooooohoooo